Bro Codeology Volume I

Since the first two men stood upright (to celebrate this I am sure they created some sort of personalized, secret handshake and grunted a lot, some things sure don't change), there has been the existence of a secret law, well ok not secret but it is a sacred law: The Bro Code. A time honored tradition of a pact between all men which is accepted at the time they first hit puberty. It is understood that men all across the globe, regardless of culture (except those weird ones, you know who I am talking about...... Germany and Finland you odd bastards) that the laws of the code are to be followed.

To not obey these rules one faces dire consequences which can range from the electric chair to a swift kick in the dangling diamonds*. Several of these rules involve the female species because, well because we do most things to try and attract a spouse, or just a rumba partner*, whichever. In this first installment of my monthly (or not, I don't like schedules so I will write the second installment whenever I feel like it so go suck on that pancake*) Laws of The Bro-mocracy. For my swinging dick readers this should just be a brush up on the laws, but for my beautiful female readers a warning: this is a one way ticket into the mind of a man (a crazy one at that) once you begin to read you will not be able to turn back, so what I'm trying to say is enjoy and I love you, except you know who, they know who so I won't say who (not targeted to any who actually just sounded cool).

Now these rules are in no general order, after rule one the rest can go at any number, so I am just putting them in whatever order I feel like, you don't like it? Well you can go and drink bleach.

           Shall we begin our adventure? No? Really? Go fuck yourself, I'm starting without you.

Rule #1 aka the golden rule- BROS BEFORE HOES, EXCEPT AFTER C

There is no rule in modern society that is more important than this one. Your buddies come before your lady or ladies.

The rule originated in Ancient Rome during the reign of Julius Caesar. Mr. Caesar (inventor of a very tasty salad and dressing) was going steady (in ancient Rome it was termed "I'm the emperor, you can't say no, so your coming to the orgy") with a young lady who he began putting before all of his male friends, he soon had not time to go to the orgies with the homies, it was all was spent with some "bimbo from the boot", as she began being called because he place of birth was at the bottom of the country. Enough was enough, so his bro's, and yes his good friend Brutus, plotted him murder. On the Ides of March the plot came to fruition and Caesar was stabbed to death. The history books remember Caesar’s final words, "Et Tu Brute?" Translated loosely as, "you too Brutus, you filthy sonova bitch, chicken feces eating eunuch!!" This is what history remembers; but few recall Brutus' words before his blade plunged into his leader and friend, "foeminis viri", or "men before woman...... asshole".

Caesar broke the rule and paid the price, once he began getting his hot dog mustarded* by a fine young lady, he forgot about his friends. A man has friends forever and he cannot forget then regardless of how awesome the company of such a female is bros before hoes. Now there are exceptions to his rule, as there are most rules, except ones against murder.... wait scratch that even that has exceptions i.e., if you are rich (OJ Simpson), or the police (cops who killed Sean Bell). Anyway, the one main exception is if you bro is married.

This is known as the "Wife Before Life Exception". Yes, it would be nice if they could tell their wife that they don't care what they say he is going to the strip club with single Pete, the man's best friend whom she has because something "is off about him", but he can't do this. If the man and women were only dating yes he could go out with Pete and throw singles while trying to avoid getting a concussion by a pair of double D Duracell’s*, but in a marriage this leads to trouble. While dating you break up, but in marriage you divorce. Divorce can be ugly, it makes children cry, it shrinks the video game and strip club budget, and it forces you to live off of spam: sound fun? Yeah I didn't think so. So if your bro is married you must respect the wife and be grateful whenever she lets him come out and play, and don't take him to a strip club, that won't end well. Go golf or something without broads around, which is a good bro thing to do.

Another exception is the "Family Ties or Dies Exception", now this is a simple exemption. If a bro makes plans and some family issues arise and they happen to conflict with your bro-date and he has to bail, you cannot get mad. You make plans for another day then play some Xbox alone for the night, or whatever you do, I don't know you or your gay hobbies and masturbation schedules, so just do you.

Damn, rule one took up a lot of space. On to rule 2? Ok, you are the boss here we go....

Rule #2- No Thrift Store Shopping

This rule is similar to rule 1 in that it also has to do with the woman and their relationship with you and your bros. basically this is the rule that bars exes from the mating game. Also known as the "No Double Dipping", "Ex-ney On The Ex-ey", and "Sloppy Seconds? No, Thank You" rule.

Now the origins of this rule are a tad bit more mysterious, there are many theories that have been formulated by the world’s top thinkers, including myself. The following origin story is my theory and it has been based upon years of research and analysis.

In the year 202 BC, yeah I'm using BC fuck whatever they call it these days, I learned BC and I stick to it (side note, Pluto you are still a planet to me, fuck you NASA), one year after the end of Second Punic War a young Carthaginian was finally returning home to his wife and child after he had been held prisoner by the Romans for over a year (whether he escaped or was released in a prisoner transfer is still unknown to me). Excited to see their faces since he had been away fighting for so long, his child's innocent face would be quite the contrast from the blood and death he had become accustomed to in recent years.

He was barring a gifts from Rome for his family (not sure what but I think Frankincense, that shit was popular back in the day, I still don't know what the fuck it is or why anyone would want it, I assume it was an old school music player, the pre cursor to the walkman). As he approached his door he heard his wife's soft giggle, his heart began to beat quickly and a smile formed on his face, but it was soon quickly negated—A voice, a familiar voice, a voice of a man.

He dropped the gifts and burst into his home to see his wife with his best friend. Now, calmer heads prevailed and instead of ripping his friends testicles off and smacking his wife with them, which I am sure he thought about, he sat and cried for a bit. It was soon reviled to him that it had been reported he was killed in a battle, meaning his wife was free to re-marry; she did to his best friend. He was heartbroken and perplexed, why she chose his best friend of all people. He sat and thought about it for a few moments then his anger began to bubble over and he murdered them both, and then killed himself. His child was soon sacrificed to the gods in Exchange for a good harvest.

From then on it spread throughout Carthage that if you ever slept with your friends, current or ex wife the ghost of this man would come to your home and rip your internal organs out and feed them to the gods with a side of pickled beets.

So what began as folk lore soon became bro code, though it has altered in recent years to include any woman, from ones a friend has dated to ones they have had a kindergarten crush on. As long as you remain friends those women are untouchables or you risk losing a friend over. One must remember friends are more important that a silly female.

Rule 3- A Spade is a Spade, and if She Gets Paid, She Gets Paid

This rule is a mouth full, but its meaning is simple, if your bro says your girl is a whore, she is most likely a whore. Seriously, if your good friends tell you that she has had more plumbing in her than a home depot, you should heed his words or you will end up with a rash that can't be cured with some aloe.

This rule dates back to Mesopotamia when there was two bros, one of them a stone worker, the other a trader. Now the trader was known to frequent with prostitutes, while the stone worker was happily married and did not frequent the ladies of the night as often (it was Mesopotamia, they all banged hooks). One evening on the trader’s usual rendezvous with the whore he spotted the stone workers wife: she was a streetwalker. When he told his friend about it the stone worker refused to believe it.

For years this pattern continued, yet the stone worker did not buy that his beloved wife, the mother of his children, and another expected, was a pavement princess (obviously not pavement but roads were made of dirt, but "dirt princess" doesn't sound right, or does it?). He soon was forced to believe it when news began to spread that the leader decided that whore who were pregnant would be killed, and if any of them were found to be whoreing while married their husbands would be banished to the desert. Long story short, the stone worker's wife never came home and he was completely Keanu Reveesed*, and in a month’s time he died of an unknown cause, today we know this unknown cause as syphilis.

So moral of the story? If your bro says your girl is a $5 floozy, listen to him and dump her, or you will get aids and die.

Ok this will be the end of installment number one of Bro Codeology. Want more? If this is popular maybe I’ll write another on eventually. If it isn't popular I may write another one eventually just because I enjoyed writing it. Now let us review the three rules, always put dicks before chicks, except when dicks are hitched; never horizontal boogie* with a bro's ex, and don't sleep with prostitutes.... well you can sleep with them (with required helmet for your Johnson) if that's your thing, but never marry them when warned they get paid to lay by your buddies. Have a good evening and remember fellows, live by the code or die by a vicious STD or pissed off ghost. (I think they call std's something else these days too, I hate how the workday is trying to change everything I have ever learned, next thing you know they will tell me the triceratops wasn't its own dinosaur, damn these wingels* who run things)

GLOSSARY

Ok I am sure you were wondering what all the asterisks were for, right? Well those are words and phrases that I shall provide a small glossary for those who want to expand their phraseology.

Dangling diamonds- Testicles. They are precious like diamonds, if only they were as strong.

Duracell’s- Breasticles; watch out for those 9 volts; plastic surgeons make mistakes and it is not pretty

Hot dog mustarded- Getting laid, getting laid

Keanu Reveesed- Pauly Shored*

Pauly Shored- Perplexed

Rear admiral- Pitcher in the gay relationship, he navigates the seas

Rumba partner- A super Smash Brothers partner*

Suck on that pancake- Put your lips up to a large flat round areole and commence sucking

Super Smash Brothers partner- A sex partner, with no strings attached

Wingel- Catcher in a gay relationship, partner of the Rear admiral*