Throwback Thursday- Tears of a 90's Kid

It was past midnight on a Wednesday, I suppose technically Thursday, and I sat trying to find and buy my childhood on the internet. As you may our may not know I'm a sucker for the 90's, so what started as a simple unbearably difficult search for perhaps the greatest childhood game of all time– Top Corner Hockey–  turned into a trip down memory lane, me wanting to buy everything I saw, then realizing I'm poor and can't afford a damn thing, (I have a birthday coming up though *wink wink*.)

As stated above it started with me searching for the elusive and wonderful Top Corner Hockey tabletop rod hockey game. Now I can see you sitting here reading this saying "Dan, just go and buy some other table top hockey games, what’s the difference? To that I would like to tell you to sit on it and rotate; Top Corner was the only table top game with real slap shot action, I would lift the puck high over the net into my brother’s face, and what’s better than assaulting your siblings with flying pieces of plastic? Nothing, that's what. I spent about an hour pursing sites far and wide, only locating one Top Corner Hockey game in the Frenchiest corners of the Western Hemisphere: Quebec.

Upon failing to find any of these up for sale in the United States, I gave up and started a venture through all other toys and games from my youth.

One I really think I'm going to get is Crossfire. That was one bad ass, pointless, game. For those of you who don't remember the game would recognize the totally 90's commercial for it. The concept you would fire steel marbles and these plastic thing-a-ma-bobs until you get the opponents off of the board, (why is it 94% of the toys from when we were growing up could be doubled as a weapon against siblings whom just kicked your ass at said game?) The only reason I ever wanted it as a kid was so I can send off my opponent spinning into the lightning ridden night– now that is badassery at its finest. 

The next few moments of my dumb, time consuming search was of games such as Don't Wake Daddy, Icebreakers, Kerplunk, Perfection, Guess Who?, so and on and so on. Damn toys were just so much better when we were kids. The youth today have no idea what they are missing; they’re too consumed with their video games to realize what fun they are missing. Not only were our toys worlds better, they all had memorable commercials where we can actually sing into our parents ears until they bought the toys for us (same goes for candy, that damn whats in a Wonder Ball song still gets stuck in my noggin from time to time. . . fuck I just put it there now, here's to a long day). Sometimes I feel bad for this generation, then one of them annoys me at the store and I loathe them. Do kids these days even still play with Hot Wheels?? OR damn Micro Machines? Legos? (All hold the ability to hurt someone and all make nice birthday presents for someone turning 27.)

OR Slot cars for Jesus Herbert Christ's sake; Fucking SLOT CARS!

I am buying a set of Slot cars and an excess of racetrack with loops, crossovers, high bank turns, and I will be having a damn tournament to end all tournaments. I know you will all want to come and I will destroy you all like you're flying  first class on Malaysia Airlines.

In the end what I really gained was a deepening anger that I, as a young lad, didn't have the foresight to realize that games would go down the shitter and that I would miss all my destroyed games. Fuck you pre-teen Dan, you ruined everything you jerk. I sitting here on the brink of 27 and I just wish I could play all the games from when I was 12; life is a strange thing that way; it just makes me want to cry.

So, I'll end this post as I pour out some St. Ides to my long lost love Top Corner Hockey: may we meet again one day soon

What games did I miss? Lets reminisce below.