Driving on the highways in New Jersey can be a real pain in the ass at times, usually its because of the other morons on the road. I like driving, I really do: cruising with the windows down, feeling the cool air on my face, while jamming out to some tunes, but those other assclowns on the road seem to interrupt it. While driving down the road there are certain signals that make it known that someone is going to be an awful motorist, or as the great Larry David would call them; Schmohawks. The following is a list of these schmohawk warning signals.
1. Blue Platers
People driving around with this license plate, even though its 2014 and the states fine prisoners stopped producing this back in the very early 90s. This is a seems to be a New Jersey exclusive, though NY has a similar situation, people who still have the license plate with the Statue of Liberty on them, tend to be worse than the ones with the hideous orange ones, though "worse" is a relative term, because as far as my experience goes NY drivers suck, usually the people behind the wheel of the blue plated cars are ancient artifacts who think they are speeding along even though they are going well under the speed limit. Just know if you are stuck behind one of these ancients that you will be in for a long ride, but you can take solitude in knowing they wont be long for this world and won't be clogging our roadways for much longer.
2. Coexist
While this message is one of world unity and peace is a nice thought at its core principle, it usually means the driver is a fucking hippy who is stanking of body odor and marijuana, who likes to change lanes without signalling, drive in two lanes at once because they can't because they cant just exist in one lane, but they want to coexist with a couple of them. Some times I just wish I can run theses peoples Geo's off the road Grand Theft Auto Style.
3. Jesus Fishy
This is not just the stupid Jesus fish, but also people with the "Keep Christ In Christmas" stickers as well. These people are to busy trying to convert the tailgaters, and jamming out to the Jesus Pop jams that they tend to be unable to hole a constant speed, often fluctuating from the speed limit, well below and well above. I wish that these people would listen to that Carrie Underwood song and just like Jesus take the wheel, because I bet that dude could drive like Jeff Gordon.
4. Family Ties
First off: no one gives a flying fuck how many times you have reproduce.
Second: No one gives two flaming shits about how many cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, or gold fish you have.
Third: the only thing we want from you is to go back to the DMV, pick up a drivers manual, and learn how to operate a motor vehicle properly.
And please, for the love of god, hire a professional to teach those stick figure offspring of yours how to drive, because if they drive half as awful as you then were all screwed.
5. Homer's Odyssey
Not all Mini-Van drivers drive like turds, in fact most of them zip along and follow traffic rules, this is probably due to the fact that their kids are pissing them off and they just want to get home quickly and safely so they can beat them in the privacy of their own home, but for some reason, the drivers of a certain mini van drive like Andrea Bargnani taking it to the hole.
These particular mini vans are the Honda Odyssey. I'm not sure what happens when you get behind the wheel of one of these that makes them into complete and utter disasters. It could be that it seems like 60% of the owners of the Odyssey are of Asian decent and, as we all know, they cant drive. Is that racist if its true? Or at that point is it a fact? Not sure, but I'll stick to it.
6. Pennsyltucky
Perhaps, the worst drivers on the New Jersey roads are those syphilis ridden dick holes that come from the west to work in our fair state and in NY: Pennsylvanians. Every single god damn thing to piss another driver off these asshats do. They love to sit in the left lane and not move over when they have finished passing someone: BREAKING NEWS: THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, SO PASS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. And if you try to pass them on the right (which may be illegal, but since they won't move, its the only option left) they just speed up to not let you pass them, or if you do successfully pass them they speed up and pass you again and then slow down again. Its called speed control; its also called something people from Pennsylvania don't get. Seriously, how hard is it to maintain a speed, switch lanes with a signal when not passing and not drive like a turd sandwich? I really wish they would all just take a fucking bus, or not drive like they were taught how to operate a motor vehicle by Helen Keller.
In conclusion; if you get stuck behind an Jesus freak Asian driving a Honda Odyssey from Pennsylvania with a large family who just wants everyone to get along you're fucked
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