Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part One

I had a conversation the other day regarding movies and was asked, what would seem to be a simple question, "What is your favorite movie?"

With that I stumbled.

For starters I'm the most indecisive person of all time.  I'm extremely incapable of making a decision and I love a lot of movies, so the combination isn't a good one. So, for me to pick a favorite would be like congress agreeing on something.

I  think my final response was something like "uhhhhhhh, I mean, uhhhhhh, I don't really have one."

A look of confusion over came my friend. She had her favorite movie, everyone at the table had their favorite movie. And there I sat, perplexed about how someone could just pick one movie. I love the art of cinema, the art of acting,  and being a writer I adore flawless script writing: hoping one day to be able to do the same. Nothing makes a good movie great like the perfect fitting musical score, or the right lighting for the mood of a scene. Or the right actor for a role, or the proper director to lead the film.

Maybe it is these things that caused another good friend of mine to call me a "movie snob" (she also called me a music snob, maybe she is just jelly? You jelly AF? I know you is!). I'm not a snob. Just because I hate the movie Step Brothers and everything that Will Farrell does. The guy isn't even funny in the slightest I just wish I could go to his house and punch him in the face. He even almost ruined Wedding Crashers with his horrible cameo. Thankfully the rest of the cast and film was funny enough to save it.

Sorry, tangent over.

Not having an answer for my friend at dinner she then asked "what movie, if it is on, would you stop to watch every time."

To this I didn't really have an answer because, once again, there was so many. So, I did what any other human being incapable of decision making would do. I just started naming movies until the table got tired of hearing me list names and we moved on from the conversation, or they made fun of me. I don't know which it was. I'm sure it was some sort of combination of the two things.

Which brings me, finally, to the topic of today's blog. "Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part One."

Maybe I should shorten the title? We will see what I put in the title bar before I post this. Anyway here we go, the first ten in which may or may not being a monthly post. It depends how I feel. These are in order of year of release and not in order of my favorite or top ten or nonsense like that, because as you know that would not be possible for me.


M (1931)- Fritz Lang; Nero-Film AG

This is, in my mind, is Fritz Lang's masterpiece. Peter Lorre plays a child murderer in modern Berlin being hunted by both police and the criminal underworld. Lorre's performance is still one of my favorite performances by an actor in motion picture history. The lighting used in this film, credit to cinematographer Fritz Arno Wagner, set the mood perfectly in each scene and was far more advanced than any american films of the time. All around a brilliant film.

Casablanca (1941)- Michael Curtiz; Warner Brothers

Humphery Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Claude Rains, and the always creepy Peter Lorre: what else would you need? I don't even think I have to say anything else, but I will. The film depicts a love triangle in French Morocco, which though unoccupied was part of  the Nazi puppet French government. Bogart must decide his future, and the fate of most are in his hands.

The Third Man (1949)- Carol Reed; Carol Reed's Production, London Film Productions

The greatest Film-Noir I have ever seen. 

Cinematographer Robert Krasker (who won an Academy Award for his work) sets the mood as Carol Reed shows us a man (Joseph Cotten) arriving in Vienna following WWII on an invite from his friend (Orson Welles), who he finds was killed in an accident shortly before his arrival. He investigates his "third man" theory. Writing to much will give away the film and I'm not about to do that. Just go watch it. Also, if any of you find the non blu-ray DVD for sale please let me know, it is out of print and virtually impossible to find. Other wise I will have to go buy a blu-ray player just for this film it is that good.

Diabolique (1955)- Henri-Georges Clouzot; Filmsonor

A spectacular suspense film about a woman and her husband's mistress plotting and executing the mans murder with enough twists and turns that would have made Hitchcock jealous. The lovely Vera Clouzot (husband of Director Henri-Georges) puts in an award worthy performance as the timid, scared wife with a weak heart (something parallel to her real life). A film for all who love a good twist, superb acting, or who appreciate the art of lighting.

The Seventh Seal (1957)- Ingmar Bergman; Svensk Filmindustri

The third Foreign Language and fourth non-american film so far (The Third Man coming to us from the UK). European directors had more freedoms artistically then in Hollywood whose directors were limited by the brilliant (sarcastic) Motion Picture Code.

Coming from Sweden, Bergman's The Seventh Seal a knight during the black plague searches for answers regarding human existence as he plays Death in a game of chess to buy himself more time to find the answers he seeks. A plot that his been copied in TV and movies since the films release. Powered by Max von Sydow as the knight and Bengt Ekerot as the chilling and iconic Grim Reaper this film will keep you thinking and watching as it moves along as it tries to delve into our existence.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)- Stanley Kubrick; Columbia Pictures, Hawk Films

The first and only comedy on today's edition (there will be plenty of comedies on forthcoming editions). Led by the always zany Peter Sellers this film takes a satirical look at the cold war and the threat of nuclear war. A general (Sterling Hayden) perceives a false threat from the USSR and sets planes carrying nuclear bombs to attack soviet targets while politicians as well as high ranking military men try to stop it from escalating. With a supporting cast coming from a lot of fantastic actors, most memorably from George C. Scott, this film will keep you laughing from beginning to end while looking at the absurdity of those who are in charge of the worlds fate. There may not be fighting in the war room, but there are laughs aplenty. 

The Godfather (1972)- Francis Ford Coppola; Paramount, Alfran Productions

I don't think The Godfather needs any words written about it because it is a film that most people have already seen, or are aware of. Brando's Oscar winning performance along with Al Pacino, James Caan, and Robert Duvall (whom were all nominated for best supporting actor, losing to Joel Grey in Cabaret) navigating their way through the Mario Puzo and Coppola's Academy Award Winning screenplay (based off of Puzo's acclaimed novel). A story about family, loyalty, and respect set to the background of the Italian-American mafia. 

Taxi Driver (1976)- Martin Scorsese; Columbia Pictures, Bill/Phillips, Italo/Judeo Productions 

Robert DeNiro plays Travis Bickle, a Vietnam vet trying to return to normalcy in New York City. He suffers from insomnia and gets work as a late night cabby. These are the hours when the city is showing its worse. Bickle takes it upon himself to do something about the scum ridden city. DeNiro brings the brilliant script of Paul Schader to life, guided by the genius of Scorsese's camera and the fantastic supporting cast comprised of  Cybill Shepard, Peter Boyle, Albert Brooks, Harvey Keitel, and a young Jodie Foster. Scorsese does a wonderful job, but the script is so powerful and the acting superb that he could have just turned on and pointed the camera in the right direction and let the story unfold.

Road To Perdition (2002)- Sam Mendes; Dreamworks

Tom Hanks and Paul Newman, in his final on screen role, fuel this beautifully directed film by Mendes. Hanks plays Michael Sullivan a hit-man for an Irish-American mafia that is headed by John Rooney (Newman). When Michael Sullivan's son witnesses his father and the younger Rooney (Daniel Craig) killing a man a chain reaction begins as Sullivan and his son must flee and make their way to Perdition, while avoiding a hit-man (Jude Law) sent after them. The film is well done and provides one of my favorite scenes of all time, telling you which one will give away some of the film so I will refrain. After you watch it then we can discuss it. Though I will tell you that the Thomas Newman's musical score is beyond brilliant and makes the film that much better.

There Will Be Blood (2007); Paul Thomas Anderson; Paramount Vantage, Miramax, Ghoulardi Film Company

Paul Thomas Anderson took the first few pages from Upton Sinclair's novel Oil! and ran with them taking creative freedom to bring us this modern day classic. Oil! (though I'm not quite done reading it just yet) is more focused on the political and socioeconomically side of the oil boom that occurred in California during the early 1900's and the class warfare that was being waged, whereas Anderson's screenplay is focused on a story of a man, his son, and their relationship. Which makes for better cinema than the original source material. Daniel Day-Lewis gives the best performance of his career (obviously in my humble opinion) as Daniel Plainview a wealthy independent oil man, who battles with the big oil conglomerates along with a vengeful Evangelical Eli Sunday (played fantastically by Paul Dano) all the while trying to do right for himself and his son. Anderson delivers a cinematic masterpiece in every sense of the word and it should have won the Academy Award for Best Picture, but it was beat out by No Country for Old Men. Though No Country is a great film it is no where near the level of There Will Be Blood.

*All production credits came from IMDB.com

Throwback Thursday- Avoiding Dysentery

I was going to write the most inspirational blog post ever written I was going to change all of your lives forever. I was going to talk to you about major strides in my life and guide you into doing the same. This was going to be as big as the Camp David Accords. Bigger than the fall of the USSR. More important than the polio vaccine.

THIS WAS GOING TO BE BIG!

Then this happened. . .

I found The Oregon Trail. You remember the times in elementary school where you didn't work, but instead you stared at the screen and tried to make it to Oregon City without dying of dysentery: it was a grueling trip, yes it may have had some sort of educational value, but we knew it as the greatest time of the school year. 

I found it in the midst of changing the world and said fuck it and distracted myself into an adventure.

Since My roommates were floating around and I was showing them my great discovery I let them join me in the trip on The Oregon Trail. So, I, the leader, Jess, Shaun, Steph, and our trusty servant, Jeffery- a former prince from England whom we kidnapped back east, started our journey.

It was going well I hunted, to keep out bellies full to keep illness away while we rushed the trail at Grueling pace. I shot deer, bison, bear, rabbits, and whatever the hell the tiny fast brown thing was. A squirrel? I was a true wagon leader. We were all in good health. When Jess broke her leg we took a few days to rest. We were well on our way westward where I had a cushy job lined up running a general store. Shaun was going to head out and mine for gold. While Steph and Jess were all set for the best job a woman could have: working in a brothel. 

We had a slight accident when the fire Jess made to make some of her people's knishes got out of hand and tore through the wagon. Luckily no one was hurt: Jeffery the Englishman suffered several burns which made his fair British skin swell up and puss for most of the rest of the trip. He kept saying something about infections, but we didn't know we weren't doctors. 

But then it got bad. First, some no good Indian came out and stole my oxen. I knew it was an Indian because I saw him. I didn't stop him because he sent his Wife or daughter or Native American whore to distract me. It worked I've always been partial to a woman with color.

After the night where we lost an ox, I did what any man would do in that situation: I went out and killed a fucking bear or some other living creature. It made me feel superior. Then we were back on the road again.

 We cruised until it got worse:

Not being the carpenter from Ohio I wasn't able to fix the wagon tongue. And considering this wasn't the first time this happened I was out of extras. We were stuck until someone wanted to trade a tongue for some food. With the wagon tongue repaired we were on our way again.

Then we got to The Dalles, which is so close to the finish. At this part of the trail I had to navigate a raft which my wagon was on through a river full of rocks. Let's just say I was distracted by real life hit a rock and. . . well. . . I was in the wagon all alone.

Which is fine, I was going to kill them and eat their corpses anyway. Don't judge. Food is scarce out on the Oregon Trail and you must do what you have to do to survive.

Then. . . . BAM another rock and I drown like the rest of my wagon party.

Thus ended this adventure. I will keep on playing because I am a child of the 90s and this is one of my fondest memories. Try your own adventure and don't get the killer shits and become another victim of The Oregon Trail.

Looking Toward The New Year

2014 is quickly coming to a close. I feel like the year as flew by (except for the forty hours a week spent at work; the time there dragged). It was pretty much a duplicate of my 2013: same pointless job, same lack of dedication to my writing, pants, same relationship status, same debt, same doubts, same everything. I did get a sweet new ride, but other than that 2014 was 13's twin. There was one major difference is my wonderful nephew was with us for a full calendar year. He is fantastic and I love him dearly. He's an adorable bundle of joy and I'm blessed and honored to be the his Godfather.

Christopher David Perrucci Jr. is the cutest child of all time. Watching him grow over this past year was one of the only highlights of my year. He grew from a cone headed baby to a running, curious one year old. And I'm glad I've been there through it all. I'm excited to watch him continue to grow next year as well.

I tried to open myself up and I met a woman who I thought complimented me well, and it seemed like something that may have worked, but then BAM nothingness. 

So goes it: all my friends are in relationships, some of the getting married, yet I’m sitting here thinking how awesome my sheets smell and wish it was economical to wash them every day. 

Not that I’m dying to meet someone. I’m ok alone: it’s cheaper that way. Love is way too difficult to ascertain; being alone with cats is more up my alley. Maybe 2015 will I’ll me someone I can stand to be around, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I really need to focus on other things before meeting any broads.

One of those things is getting out of my current place of employment. My job is awful. It’s super monotonous and I get bored out of my mind doing it. Not to mention all the moronic people that I talk to on the phones all day long. Other than that it’s not bad, my boss isn't a dick, the hours are OK, the pay and benefits aren't terrible, but at the same time I’m 2 years in and I think it’s time for me to move on to something that I enjoy. That is my main goal in this upcoming year: find a new job. I am smart, hardworking, and to toot my own horn, pretty damn talented at times.

Seems like an easy enough goal to accomplish.

I also really just want to lose three pounds.

Moving out of 2014 I need to start taking my writing more seriously. I need to work on and hone my craft so maybe one day I can be published. I kind of lost my way and gave up writing, in fact this is the first thing I have written in nearly three months. I just lost my will to write. I lost faith in my talent. I was not in the right mind state to accomplish much of anything. 

This upcoming year, starting now, I am going to rededicate myself and improve. I will try to post more of my work here on this blog; along with the many, many, stories that are being written with the goal of getting them published somewhere.

Now with my goals clearly outlined its time to go finish my coffee grab a beer and get to making shit happen. Friends make sure you keep on me and make sure I’m applying to jobs and writing on a consistent basis.

I hope to provide you guys with more in 2015, so keep your eyes peeled to this blog. Until that time comes here is my Album of the year: The Roots “. . . and then you shoot your cousin.”

You Know You Suck at Driving If. . .

Driving on the highways in New Jersey can be a real pain in the ass at times, usually its because of the other morons on the road. I like driving, I really do: cruising with the windows down, feeling the cool air on my face, while jamming out to some tunes, but those other assclowns on the road seem to interrupt it. While driving down the road there are certain signals that make it known that someone is going to be an awful motorist, or as the great Larry David would call them; Schmohawks. The following is a list of these schmohawk warning signals.

1. Blue Platers

People driving around with this license plate, even though its 2014 and the states fine prisoners stopped producing this back in the very early 90s. This is a seems to be a New Jersey exclusive, though NY has a similar situation, people who still have the license plate with the Statue of Liberty on them, tend to be worse than the ones with the hideous orange ones, though "worse" is a relative term, because as far as my experience goes NY drivers suck, usually the people behind the wheel of the blue plated cars are ancient artifacts who think they are speeding along even though they are going well under the speed limit. Just know if you are stuck behind one of these ancients that you will be in for a long ride, but you can take solitude in knowing they wont be long for this world and won't be clogging our roadways for much longer.

2. Coexist

While this message is one of world unity and peace is a nice thought at its core principle, it usually means the driver is a fucking hippy who is stanking of body odor and marijuana, who likes to change lanes without signalling, drive in two lanes at once because they can't because they cant just exist in one lane, but they want to coexist with a couple of them. Some times I just wish I can run theses peoples Geo's off the road Grand Theft Auto Style.

3. Jesus Fishy

This is not just the stupid Jesus fish, but also people with the "Keep Christ In Christmas" stickers as well. These people are to busy trying to convert the tailgaters, and jamming out to the Jesus Pop jams that they tend to be unable to hole a constant speed, often fluctuating from the speed limit, well below and well above. I wish that these people would listen to that Carrie Underwood song and just like Jesus take the wheel, because I bet that dude could drive like Jeff Gordon.

4. Family Ties

First off: no one gives a flying fuck how many times you have reproduce.

Second: No one gives two flaming shits about how many cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, or gold fish you have.

Third: the only thing we want from you is to go back to the DMV, pick up a drivers manual, and learn how to operate a motor vehicle properly.

And please, for the love of god, hire a professional to teach those stick figure offspring of yours how to drive, because if they drive half as awful as you then were all screwed.

5. Homer's Odyssey

Not all Mini-Van drivers drive like turds, in fact most of them zip along and follow traffic rules, this is probably due to the fact that their kids are pissing them off and they just want to get home quickly and safely so they can beat them in the privacy of their own home, but for some reason, the drivers of a certain mini van drive like Andrea Bargnani taking it to the hole.

These particular mini vans are the Honda Odyssey. I'm not sure what happens when you get behind the wheel of one of these that makes them into complete and utter disasters. It could be that it seems like 60% of the owners of the Odyssey are of Asian decent and, as we all know, they cant drive. Is that racist if its true? Or at that point is it a fact? Not sure, but I'll stick to it.

6. Pennsyltucky

Perhaps, the worst drivers on the New Jersey roads are those syphilis ridden dick holes that come from the west to work in our fair state and in NY: Pennsylvanians. Every single god damn thing to piss another driver off these asshats do. They love to sit in the left lane and not move over when they have finished passing someone: BREAKING NEWS: THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, SO PASS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. And if you try to pass them on the right (which may be illegal, but since they won't move, its the only option left) they just speed up to not let you pass them, or if you do successfully pass them they speed up and pass you again and then slow down again. Its called speed control; its also called something people from Pennsylvania don't get. Seriously, how hard is it to maintain a speed, switch lanes with a signal when not passing and not drive like a turd sandwich? I really wish they would all just take a fucking bus, or not drive like they were taught how to operate a motor vehicle by Helen Keller.



In conclusion; if you get stuck behind an Jesus freak Asian driving a Honda Odyssey from Pennsylvania with a large family who just wants everyone to get along you're fucked

Throwback Thursday- Tears of a 90's Kid

It was past midnight on a Wednesday, I suppose technically Thursday, and I sat trying to find and buy my childhood on the internet. As you may our may not know I'm a sucker for the 90's, so what started as a simple unbearably difficult search for perhaps the greatest childhood game of all time– Top Corner Hockey–  turned into a trip down memory lane, me wanting to buy everything I saw, then realizing I'm poor and can't afford a damn thing, (I have a birthday coming up though *wink wink*.)

As stated above it started with me searching for the elusive and wonderful Top Corner Hockey tabletop rod hockey game. Now I can see you sitting here reading this saying "Dan, just go and buy some other table top hockey games, what’s the difference? To that I would like to tell you to sit on it and rotate; Top Corner was the only table top game with real slap shot action, I would lift the puck high over the net into my brother’s face, and what’s better than assaulting your siblings with flying pieces of plastic? Nothing, that's what. I spent about an hour pursing sites far and wide, only locating one Top Corner Hockey game in the Frenchiest corners of the Western Hemisphere: Quebec.

Upon failing to find any of these up for sale in the United States, I gave up and started a venture through all other toys and games from my youth.

One I really think I'm going to get is Crossfire. That was one bad ass, pointless, game. For those of you who don't remember the game would recognize the totally 90's commercial for it. The concept you would fire steel marbles and these plastic thing-a-ma-bobs until you get the opponents off of the board, (why is it 94% of the toys from when we were growing up could be doubled as a weapon against siblings whom just kicked your ass at said game?) The only reason I ever wanted it as a kid was so I can send off my opponent spinning into the lightning ridden night– now that is badassery at its finest. 

The next few moments of my dumb, time consuming search was of games such as Don't Wake Daddy, Icebreakers, Kerplunk, Perfection, Guess Who?, so and on and so on. Damn toys were just so much better when we were kids. The youth today have no idea what they are missing; they’re too consumed with their video games to realize what fun they are missing. Not only were our toys worlds better, they all had memorable commercials where we can actually sing into our parents ears until they bought the toys for us (same goes for candy, that damn whats in a Wonder Ball song still gets stuck in my noggin from time to time. . . fuck I just put it there now, here's to a long day). Sometimes I feel bad for this generation, then one of them annoys me at the store and I loathe them. Do kids these days even still play with Hot Wheels?? OR damn Micro Machines? Legos? (All hold the ability to hurt someone and all make nice birthday presents for someone turning 27.)

OR Slot cars for Jesus Herbert Christ's sake; Fucking SLOT CARS!

I am buying a set of Slot cars and an excess of racetrack with loops, crossovers, high bank turns, and I will be having a damn tournament to end all tournaments. I know you will all want to come and I will destroy you all like you're flying  first class on Malaysia Airlines.

In the end what I really gained was a deepening anger that I, as a young lad, didn't have the foresight to realize that games would go down the shitter and that I would miss all my destroyed games. Fuck you pre-teen Dan, you ruined everything you jerk. I sitting here on the brink of 27 and I just wish I could play all the games from when I was 12; life is a strange thing that way; it just makes me want to cry.

So, I'll end this post as I pour out some St. Ides to my long lost love Top Corner Hockey: may we meet again one day soon

What games did I miss? Lets reminisce below.

Future Road

"What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of my life?"

I received this text from a friend of mine mainly because she knew that I would be able to relate to her sense of an unknown future.

So, this got me thinking (thanks a lot) seriously; what the fuck am doing with my life? I'm 26 and have accomplished basically nothing. I have friends becoming successful in careers, relationships, and I'm sitting like a rat turd rotting away in the wall.

What do I want to do?

Beats the hell out of me, I always just thought something would come along and I would figure out what to do when I grew up. Well, I'm grown up and I don't have a career, nor do I have a goal for one. I obviously have dreams to be a writer and make a living doing that, but let's face it I'm not the most talented writer to grace this earth; shit I'm not even the most talented writer I know. With that being said; can I become a successful writer? Maybe, I mean this IS America where people with no talent become successful, so there is hope for me considering I do have some talent (or I like to pretend I do sometimes). A major problem for me as a writer is my brain. It is constantly turning with new ideas for short stories, full blown novels, poems, screenplays, and other various nonsensical ramblings. This is my asset as a creative person, but it also serves as a detriment because it creates a problem sticking to a project and seeing it through. Those of you who are still waiting on the first complete draft of my kick ass screenplay “Slothcano” know exactly what I mean. This is a project which was started and over a third completed when my mind switched gears and went to another project that was less humorous and one where my mind was in a place to work on. My mind needs to be in a particular state to write something, and with it switching so often I lose the mindset to work on certain projects: “Slothcano” being the most infamous of these.

The main issue is that I have absolutely no deadlines. If I were to have deadlines I could finish any project of any length in the given time, which, I suppose, bodes well for me in the world of professional writing and editing. It’s a deadline based game and I work well under pressure, so it’s a seemingly perfect fit. As far as my creative writing there is no time table to complete anything which is why nothing of importance ever seems to come to fruition.

How can I really be a successful writer with an inability to finish a project longer than 5000 words? Beats me; I mean I can write short stories and I have posted several on this blog (Example 1, 2, 3, and my favorite 4), but they have little or nothing to do with each other thematically to assemble together as a collection. Maybe I’ll just say “fuck it” with that logic and do it anyway, but even doing that would require my mind to stay focused on selecting a group of stories, ordering them, fully editing, and rewriting them which is easier said than done. In all reality I can't really put all my eggs into that basket, because what are the odds I can join the small percentage of “writers” in this world to make it. I need to find a career; I need to essentially find myself.

Who am I?

That's an easy one.

I know who I am.

Now that we clearly know who I am I can now proceed with my post.

What am I capable to do? I can write, when I feel like it I can, believe it or not, edit, and outside of that I’m not really qualified for squat. I hate almost all people; which tends to create quite the problem in most customer service jobs. Though I am a fantastic actor and can fake the shit out of polite communication with the moronic inhabitants of this planet, so maybe my true destiny is to head west for L.A. and become Hollywood’s next heartthrob/fantastic actor.

Watch out Mr. Gosling here I come.

And in advance I would like to thank the Academy, my family, my friends, and most importantly the ultimate power that makes all of this possible: myself.

Shit, I went off topic again: this is the crap I was talking about. I just can never stay focused on the task at hand; my mind wanders aimlessly and it’s hard to find like Malaysia Flight 370. Even the writing of this short rambling piece took me over a week to get my mind on topic.

Anyway, as I was saying before I went on my Hollywood daydream is that I am capable to do customer service jobs, but it is not my first choice . . . or second . . . or third . . . or . . . you get the idea it’s just not a field I want to stay within. It’s just mind numbing and doesn’t provide me with any type of challenges.

In conclusion, as my resume bombards potential employers/rejecters I shall keep my fingers crossed that I can land a job that makes me not despise waking up in the morning, and I'll hope that it is a job outside of the realm of direct customer service. In the mean time I will keep writing and hopefully staying focused long enough to finish something that will be published for the world to read, or maybe I will finish “Slothcano” by my own self imposed July deadline and I can finally sleep on a pile of SyFy TV movie money.

P.S.

For you Hollywood big wigs reading this I want you to know one thing about me…

For All the Single Ladies. . . The Club is Jumpin' Jumpin'

I've been single for a long time now and I am reminded of it on a near daily basis. My friends will point it out by saying I should pursue this woman or that woman, (only once it being said about someone I actually had any desire to date and I should probably actively see if that could go anywhere. I'm sure it won't, but that is neither here nor there) or there will be jokes about my balls drying out and disintegrating into nothingness, which if I'm not mistaken would defy all laws of physiology, but don't quote me on that one: I'm not a doctor I only pretend to be one.

Point is this gets as obnoxious as watching back to back to back Pauly Shore movies. This is due mainly to the fact that they have been in stable relationships for a long time, which makes me the habitual extra wheel. I'm just a spare tire sitting in a trunk waiting to be put to some use on an nice American automobile. And how do some of my friends think I should get myself pulled out and hooked on to a nice axle? 

Online dating. 

I have no desire to do such anything, but I have had one say they will secretly make me a profile, set me up on dates, then tell me to meet them somewhere and then when I arrive, kablamo, I'm on a date! My reply to this is always the same: "go fuck yourself". They haven't done this yet so I'm banking on the fact that they are too damn lazy to actually go through that much trouble over my nonexistent love life. I can't knock online dating because I know a number of people whom have met someone on there; I just don't think that's for me. This is basically due to the fact that it seems like way too much trouble to cycle through all the morons, ugmos, fatties, shitheads, creepers, and skanks to locate anyone worth my time. 

But if I did find it worth my very, very, very, valuable time what would my profile look like? The goal of a dating profile is to make you seem super awesome, super duper attractive, and seem like just a plain old hootenanny. In reality I'm only one of those things (I'll allow the reader to choose which one). 

This brings me, finally, to the point of this blog post; this is what my dating profile would look like (ladies email me your numbers, and not all at once we don't want to crash Google's servers). 

 

Sup ladies,

My name is Dan: I'm 26, single and looking to mingle. I am pretty sure that is how you start these things out. It seems like a great and not cheesy at all, not in the slightest, way to draw you into the words that are typed onto this internet website doohickey.

Now after that brilliant opening I just have one question for you potential lady friends: "Would you f*** me? I'd to f*** me. I'd f*** me hard. I'd f*** me so hard."

And if you don’t get that reference, move on because you clearly are not one for me. Click over to some other profile and on your way over there make sure to go to hell, don't pass Go, and definitely  DO NOT COLLECT YOUR $200

I'm sure you see my sexy picture and want to get to know that homeless looking bearded dream boat just a tad bit more, and that's what I'll do for you! 

To date me you would have many perks, outside of the sexual of course (boom, wink face bam!!!) I cook, and my opinion pretty damn well, that is if you like Italian food, and I usually cook with pants on! I also am a tad bit anal when it comes to cleaning which is an activity I do without the aforementioned pants. Though I do both these things it would be wonderful if you cooked and cleaned as well; doing so without a shirt would be even better, but certainly is not a requirement. Messes piss me off so if you make a mess I am liable to freak out, well maybe not freak out, but I may go on a cleaning rampage. 

So, if you are sitting there, reading this, and you are surrounded by clutter please move on to some other turd on this site, because I would want to hit you with a rolled up magazine if we dated.

Now I'm a pretty damn wild person, so I need someone who can keep up with my super wildness. I love to sit at home watching sports and movies. I'm a huge movie person so if you love to hear movie quotes all day I'm your guy. 50% of my conversation is just random quotes and with certain friends that percentage increases exponentially. And I say this not joking in the slightest; I'll quote movies that range from Citizen Kane on to Mean Girls. Oh and Tommy Wiseau's classic abortion "The Room" can and will get quoted daily, so you would have to waste 99 minutes of your life watching this "film", and trust me you cannot un-watch this movie.

Oh, it is also very important to know that I wear pink ONLY on Wednesdays and I swear to god if you wear sweatpants on a fucking Monday you cannot, and will not, sit with me.  
(If that reference went over your head you had better go and reevaluate your life, because you ain't worthy.)

Sometimes I like to mix it up and quote some SpongeBob. 

Yes, I am 26 and watch SpongeBob. . . 

Daily.

Why don't you leave your stupid comments in your pocket?

There are times in the day when I will break out in random song, usually from SpongeBob, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or just some good solid 90's tunes like Joan Osborne, because, seriously, what if God WAS one of us? Just a slob like the people who stopped reading this a few paragraphs ago? Just some stranger on a bus trying to make his way home?

I also would like to make it extremely clear that I am indeed the Dayman, fighter of the Nightman, champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! 

When I'm not watching movies, cartoons, or singing the songs that I like I'm usually reading or writing. I like to think of myself as a rather intelligent creature (though I think of myself as all around awesome, you call it narcissistic I call it being Dan Perrucci). So, please, for the love of god, if you are stupid keep moving because there is nothing in this world I can stand less than stupid people. Stupid is the one thing I hate the most in humans, other than the fact that they are people, I hate that too: I prefer cats.

As you may have gathered by my unkempt profile picture and by reading this far on this profile I also hate doing social things with other human beings. Especially ones in places where the service blows more than a ceiling fan and where the music is louder than a fat woman screaming because she found a slice a cake in a fat roll. These places make me want to rip all the other patrons’ collar bones out. That is not something I want to do, I'm getting to old do those things and go to jail. I do, however, enjoy a nice get-together at my house where I can relax in basketball shorts and wear my worn out ripped slippers. I like this because I can control who shows up and I rarely have to engage in false pleasantries with new people. Though I must say I am brutally honest I rarely try to fake being nice, except at work where I am a master and faking kindness,

And before I wrap this up I just want you to know that I make some of the most inappropriate jokes of all time and I love to make fun of people, so if you can't handle that go fuck yourself you god damn square. 

So if you like eating, reading, movies, SpongeBob, sports, inappropriate jokes and an nice healthy antisocial living give me a call and let's meet.

And please no fatties. I'm a thin guy and don't want to die by getting crushed to death because you picked a Big Mac over a salad.