Hello beautiful people and you ug-mos too —I don't want to discriminate— welcome to the second installment of Bro-Codology, where I delve deep into the mind of man and deep into the history books to bring you the laws of the bro. Laws which all brothers and friends must follow. Failure to do so will lead a public flogging in Times Square. If you have not read Volume one please do so, or I will personally come to your home and burn it down like my name was Left Eye.
If your Bro calls you and needs your help right away you must go to him, because he would do the same for you. It doesn't matter what you're doing or who you're doing, you drop that shit like your name was Terrell Owens and help your buddy out. If you're watching your children, don't actually drop them— that's how brain damage occurs. If you ARE watching your dumb kids you still must respond to the Bro-mergency, sit your kid down in the car and go. Duct tape works well for this, so get a roll and secure that baby.... on second thought use a car seat. If cops pull you over I think they may frown upon taped babies, there are all these odd laws regarding child abuse, this may constitute “abuse”, but I am not a lawyer, so you may want to check with one to find out for sure. I guess you wouldn't tape down your beer, so why do it to a baby?
Ok, went a little off track, so back to the rule. Basically help him out in his time of need; this could be something small like a lift home from the bar or if he needs your help in disposing of his wife's body. I suppose she would be his ex-wife now, or would he still technically be married until her body is found? If he pretends to be upset, wears his wedding ring, gets a tattoo in her honor and no one knows about his Russian mistress I guess in the view of the world they are still married. Actually, she is dead he is a widow; that was a silly thought of mine. Either way in due time he will get caught and will be the wife/property of a massive bald Neo-Nazi named Shep who will destroy his tootsie roll until it looks like it sat in the sun for months.
Wait just one second, where was I?
Now this rule has been touched upon by many outlets. The late great Big L even referenced it on his classic song "Casualties of a Dice Game". For those who know the song please skip following paragraph.
Now in this song Big L just won big at a local dice game (I think Ashy Larry was present at the game). The other rollers were very upset so they set out to kill Mr. L. They were following him so L Called up his friend Bones and asked him for assistance. His buddy said he couldn't help because he was upstairs getting it in. Big L was forced to deal with his newly acquired enemies all by himself. He disposed of those two hooligans, but he was severely hurt in the altercation. This would not of happened if that Lazy Bones* (let us see if anyone gets that reference) just helped his brother in need. Long story shortened, Big L killed Bones and beat the whore he was with as if Big was actually the Sham-Wow guy; sadly L died because of his injuries.
That is an extreme case of not helping your Bro when he requires assistance. In most of the cases death isn’t the result, but keep that in your mind next time your friend needs help and you deny him. As with all the rules there is a historical background that led to the development of the rule. Rule 4 is no different, so let us hop into our phone booth and visit a couple prominent historical figures, shall we?
The year was 1939; a year of extreme historical importance in the Eastern hemisphere, a year where a woman named Ethyl gave birth to a man who decades later would provide a market for televised paternity tests*; a year in which the inventor of basketball (a white relatively short man… oh how the game has changed) took his final free throw; a summer where the Wizard of Oz had amazed American audiences, but on the other side of the pond, something more sinister than a hanging midget was brewing— something deadlier and not has funny. A cloud darker than Wesley Snipes was beginning to form over Eastern Europe; A Jew killing tyrannical cloud known as the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterparte¸this cloud was fueled by a Charlie Chaplin look alike.
Now, the world knew that the German Führer was up to something, he wanted revenge for the wrongs he felt that were suffered by the German people after WWI . . . also he wanted to kill all of the people of Jewish faith, but that is off topic. Now his plans were to invade Poland and Edward Rydz-Śmigły, the General Inspector of Armed Forces (the highest Polish military position) knew that this day would be coming. Rydz-Śmigły prepped by mobilizing the Polish military on August 30 to prepare for the invasion, while the pussyfooted French tried to tell him to back down in hopes of a diplomatic solution— meanwhile Hitler’s troops were already ready for invasion along the Germany-Poland border. The French should be involved in anything military like a cat should get involved in a kangaroo boxing match; it just makes no sense stick to the pastries you beret wearing douches.
Rydz-Śmigły, knew that he had an ally in Great Britain, so he figured he would give Neville Chamberlain a ring on the telephone:
“Good evening, Prime Minister.”
“Who the bloody hell is this?”
“This is Edward Rydz-Śmigły, General Inspector of Armed Forces of Poland!”
“Say Eddie, does that last name come in English?”
“Sir, I am calling you for my great nation of Poland is about to be attacked by Germany. I would like the support of the British military in order to maintain my country’s sovereignty.”
“Is this a joke? Williams is this you?”
“Sir, I assure you this is no joke. We have met on several occasions.”
“Tell you what my good chap, I will help later Charlie Chaplin won't invade just yet, I’ll have my people call you. Now I must attend tea, for it is customary. Cheers Eddie.”
On September 1st Germany initiated the invasion of Poland and on the 3rd Britain and France declared war on Germany, but did as little as possible to assist Poland. After over a month Poland was conquered by Germany and its Soviet allies. One must wonder if Britain sent troops to aid the Polish army would they have stood more of a chance?
If you get a call from a buddy, whether it be about military action about to take place in his bedroom or if he needs you to call a bails bondsman, you drop everything; if you don’t it could cost nearly $288 billion dollars (in 40’s money, not this inflated crap we have now) and kill over 60 million people. Now, if you can live with that shit on your brain pal don’t be a bro: ignore the call.
As Sean Connery once said “Here endeth the lesson”.
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