How Not to Strangle a Customer

Based on popular demand her is the unedited version of my "How To" class assignment. Everyone who has ever worked in any industry in which you are forced to deal with the moronic public will understand this post.

Those who have worked within the retail industry have all at one point wanted to put their hands around a customer’s throat and squeeze, but this is the real world and that kind of thing leads to prison time.  Since murder is not a logical answer to handling an idiot customer here are few other steps one can take to deal with them.

                When you sense that a customer is becoming a nuisance to you and your day the best and most logical step is to pawn the customer off on a co-worker. Choose a coworker you secretly hate, tell them you have to go to the bathroom and have them handle the customer. If there is not a coworker whom you have distaste for, just give the customer to the nearest employee and run off to the bathroom like your bladder is full of a gallon of Kool-Aid.

                What if you are alone? Good question. If step one is not possible or if your coworkers know your diabolical scheme it is time to take other measures to prevent a complete meltdown.  The first thing you must do is breath. Take a deep breath and relax, because if you do not breathe you will turn blue and faint—if you can hold your breath long enough to pass out, do so and you will be exempt from helping the customer; if you don’t have good health coverage though, just breath and continue with the next step.  Taking deep breathes should relax you to a point where you can focus on not turning into Mike Tyson and serving the customer with a right uppercut.

                Now that you have prevented yourself from delivering the knockout punch it is time for step two. While the customer is talking, which most likely will sound like the adults from the peanuts cartoons, put the image of you hurting them, physically or verbally, in your brain. This will bring a smile to your face which will make the customer think that you are truly happy to help them. You should be able to keep the smile on your face long enough to satisfy the customer, whether or not you actually help them is not your problem; if they wanted to be helped they shouldn’t have been an annoying ignoramus in the first place.

                If the first two steps fail and you are growing angrier with the customer with each word they spew out of their stupid mouth, don’t curse them off just yet there is another option. Just say to the customer “excuse me for a moment”, “let me look in the back”, or “let me ask the manager”, and walk away. Now that you are away from the customer, take a moment to collect yourself, now what you do to do this is up to you. A few suggestions are: scream and curse loudly, breath, punch anything in your sight, or just sit down for a moment. Once you have re centered yourself, walk back out to the problem and start over with the steps.

                If these steps do not help you deal a bothersome customer, just scream and curse at them; after all getting fired is still better than murder.