Bro Codeology Volume I

Since the first two men stood upright (to celebrate this I am sure they created some sort of personalized, secret handshake and grunted a lot, some things sure don't change), there has been the existence of a secret law, well ok not secret but it is a sacred law: The Bro Code. A time honored tradition of a pact between all men which is accepted at the time they first hit puberty. It is understood that men all across the globe, regardless of culture (except those weird ones, you know who I am talking about...... Germany and Finland you odd bastards) that the laws of the code are to be followed.

To not obey these rules one faces dire consequences which can range from the electric chair to a swift kick in the dangling diamonds*. Several of these rules involve the female species because, well because we do most things to try and attract a spouse, or just a rumba partner*, whichever. In this first installment of my monthly (or not, I don't like schedules so I will write the second installment whenever I feel like it so go suck on that pancake*) Laws of The Bro-mocracy. For my swinging dick readers this should just be a brush up on the laws, but for my beautiful female readers a warning: this is a one way ticket into the mind of a man (a crazy one at that) once you begin to read you will not be able to turn back, so what I'm trying to say is enjoy and I love you, except you know who, they know who so I won't say who (not targeted to any who actually just sounded cool).

Now these rules are in no general order, after rule one the rest can go at any number, so I am just putting them in whatever order I feel like, you don't like it? Well you can go and drink bleach.

           Shall we begin our adventure? No? Really? Go fuck yourself, I'm starting without you.

Rule #1 aka the golden rule- BROS BEFORE HOES, EXCEPT AFTER C

There is no rule in modern society that is more important than this one. Your buddies come before your lady or ladies.

The rule originated in Ancient Rome during the reign of Julius Caesar. Mr. Caesar (inventor of a very tasty salad and dressing) was going steady (in ancient Rome it was termed "I'm the emperor, you can't say no, so your coming to the orgy") with a young lady who he began putting before all of his male friends, he soon had not time to go to the orgies with the homies, it was all was spent with some "bimbo from the boot", as she began being called because he place of birth was at the bottom of the country. Enough was enough, so his bro's, and yes his good friend Brutus, plotted him murder. On the Ides of March the plot came to fruition and Caesar was stabbed to death. The history books remember Caesar’s final words, "Et Tu Brute?" Translated loosely as, "you too Brutus, you filthy sonova bitch, chicken feces eating eunuch!!" This is what history remembers; but few recall Brutus' words before his blade plunged into his leader and friend, "foeminis viri", or "men before woman...... asshole".

Caesar broke the rule and paid the price, once he began getting his hot dog mustarded* by a fine young lady, he forgot about his friends. A man has friends forever and he cannot forget then regardless of how awesome the company of such a female is bros before hoes. Now there are exceptions to his rule, as there are most rules, except ones against murder.... wait scratch that even that has exceptions i.e., if you are rich (OJ Simpson), or the police (cops who killed Sean Bell). Anyway, the one main exception is if you bro is married.

This is known as the "Wife Before Life Exception". Yes, it would be nice if they could tell their wife that they don't care what they say he is going to the strip club with single Pete, the man's best friend whom she has because something "is off about him", but he can't do this. If the man and women were only dating yes he could go out with Pete and throw singles while trying to avoid getting a concussion by a pair of double D Duracell’s*, but in a marriage this leads to trouble. While dating you break up, but in marriage you divorce. Divorce can be ugly, it makes children cry, it shrinks the video game and strip club budget, and it forces you to live off of spam: sound fun? Yeah I didn't think so. So if your bro is married you must respect the wife and be grateful whenever she lets him come out and play, and don't take him to a strip club, that won't end well. Go golf or something without broads around, which is a good bro thing to do.

Another exception is the "Family Ties or Dies Exception", now this is a simple exemption. If a bro makes plans and some family issues arise and they happen to conflict with your bro-date and he has to bail, you cannot get mad. You make plans for another day then play some Xbox alone for the night, or whatever you do, I don't know you or your gay hobbies and masturbation schedules, so just do you.

Damn, rule one took up a lot of space. On to rule 2? Ok, you are the boss here we go....

Rule #2- No Thrift Store Shopping

This rule is similar to rule 1 in that it also has to do with the woman and their relationship with you and your bros. basically this is the rule that bars exes from the mating game. Also known as the "No Double Dipping", "Ex-ney On The Ex-ey", and "Sloppy Seconds? No, Thank You" rule.

Now the origins of this rule are a tad bit more mysterious, there are many theories that have been formulated by the world’s top thinkers, including myself. The following origin story is my theory and it has been based upon years of research and analysis.

In the year 202 BC, yeah I'm using BC fuck whatever they call it these days, I learned BC and I stick to it (side note, Pluto you are still a planet to me, fuck you NASA), one year after the end of Second Punic War a young Carthaginian was finally returning home to his wife and child after he had been held prisoner by the Romans for over a year (whether he escaped or was released in a prisoner transfer is still unknown to me). Excited to see their faces since he had been away fighting for so long, his child's innocent face would be quite the contrast from the blood and death he had become accustomed to in recent years.

He was barring a gifts from Rome for his family (not sure what but I think Frankincense, that shit was popular back in the day, I still don't know what the fuck it is or why anyone would want it, I assume it was an old school music player, the pre cursor to the walkman). As he approached his door he heard his wife's soft giggle, his heart began to beat quickly and a smile formed on his face, but it was soon quickly negated—A voice, a familiar voice, a voice of a man.

He dropped the gifts and burst into his home to see his wife with his best friend. Now, calmer heads prevailed and instead of ripping his friends testicles off and smacking his wife with them, which I am sure he thought about, he sat and cried for a bit. It was soon reviled to him that it had been reported he was killed in a battle, meaning his wife was free to re-marry; she did to his best friend. He was heartbroken and perplexed, why she chose his best friend of all people. He sat and thought about it for a few moments then his anger began to bubble over and he murdered them both, and then killed himself. His child was soon sacrificed to the gods in Exchange for a good harvest.

From then on it spread throughout Carthage that if you ever slept with your friends, current or ex wife the ghost of this man would come to your home and rip your internal organs out and feed them to the gods with a side of pickled beets.

So what began as folk lore soon became bro code, though it has altered in recent years to include any woman, from ones a friend has dated to ones they have had a kindergarten crush on. As long as you remain friends those women are untouchables or you risk losing a friend over. One must remember friends are more important that a silly female.

Rule 3- A Spade is a Spade, and if She Gets Paid, She Gets Paid

This rule is a mouth full, but its meaning is simple, if your bro says your girl is a whore, she is most likely a whore. Seriously, if your good friends tell you that she has had more plumbing in her than a home depot, you should heed his words or you will end up with a rash that can't be cured with some aloe.

This rule dates back to Mesopotamia when there was two bros, one of them a stone worker, the other a trader. Now the trader was known to frequent with prostitutes, while the stone worker was happily married and did not frequent the ladies of the night as often (it was Mesopotamia, they all banged hooks). One evening on the trader’s usual rendezvous with the whore he spotted the stone workers wife: she was a streetwalker. When he told his friend about it the stone worker refused to believe it.

For years this pattern continued, yet the stone worker did not buy that his beloved wife, the mother of his children, and another expected, was a pavement princess (obviously not pavement but roads were made of dirt, but "dirt princess" doesn't sound right, or does it?). He soon was forced to believe it when news began to spread that the leader decided that whore who were pregnant would be killed, and if any of them were found to be whoreing while married their husbands would be banished to the desert. Long story short, the stone worker's wife never came home and he was completely Keanu Reveesed*, and in a month’s time he died of an unknown cause, today we know this unknown cause as syphilis.

So moral of the story? If your bro says your girl is a $5 floozy, listen to him and dump her, or you will get aids and die.

Ok this will be the end of installment number one of Bro Codeology. Want more? If this is popular maybe I’ll write another on eventually. If it isn't popular I may write another one eventually just because I enjoyed writing it. Now let us review the three rules, always put dicks before chicks, except when dicks are hitched; never horizontal boogie* with a bro's ex, and don't sleep with prostitutes.... well you can sleep with them (with required helmet for your Johnson) if that's your thing, but never marry them when warned they get paid to lay by your buddies. Have a good evening and remember fellows, live by the code or die by a vicious STD or pissed off ghost. (I think they call std's something else these days too, I hate how the workday is trying to change everything I have ever learned, next thing you know they will tell me the triceratops wasn't its own dinosaur, damn these wingels* who run things)

GLOSSARY

Ok I am sure you were wondering what all the asterisks were for, right? Well those are words and phrases that I shall provide a small glossary for those who want to expand their phraseology.

Dangling diamonds- Testicles. They are precious like diamonds, if only they were as strong.

Duracell’s- Breasticles; watch out for those 9 volts; plastic surgeons make mistakes and it is not pretty

Hot dog mustarded- Getting laid, getting laid

Keanu Reveesed- Pauly Shored*

Pauly Shored- Perplexed

Rear admiral- Pitcher in the gay relationship, he navigates the seas

Rumba partner- A super Smash Brothers partner*

Suck on that pancake- Put your lips up to a large flat round areole and commence sucking

Super Smash Brothers partner- A sex partner, with no strings attached

Wingel- Catcher in a gay relationship, partner of the Rear admiral*

Osama Bin Blogin

I have no clue why it looks like two different fonts, i was typing in word and it magically turned like that, so fuck you Bill Gates, I blame you. Excuse the gramatical errors for now I was in such a rush to get this posted, I am editing it as I read it. Sorry for any difficulty this provides.

Was struggling to come up with a good topic, then a group of brave American seals put a bullet through Osama Bin Laden’s skull so with the suggestion coming from Christina Bosco (find the link to her blog at the top of my page people). I decided to go in on this topic and give MY thoughts. I do not expect you to agree with me, I do expect you to read, analyze and think about what I say and if you disagree I expect a educated discussion in the comments. If you catch any historical inaccuracies feel free to point them out to me, I am NOT a historian, just a man with an opinion, though I tend to know a lot about history. I wanted to post something funny but the current events occurring changed that. I will post something funny later on this week, maybe a fiction piece or nonfiction, but something light hearted.

Killing one man will not spell the end to this conflict. I think that our celebration of Bin Laden's death, though warranted, is a futile and pointless thing. He was nothing but one man, flesh and bone; the thing we are fighting is not man, it is something greater, it is an idea, a concept—Something that cannot be defeated. I will not give this topic the justice it deserves but I need to discuss, our misunderstandings about this man, and our blatant disrespect of the Islamic faith following 9/11. Our efforts in this war are nothing but a waste of American lives and money, chasing a man who, yes was a figurhead for Islamic Radicalism, is just that: a man.

                September 11, 2001, a day which defined our generation. I think every American remembers where they were when they heard the news that two hijacked planes slammed into the Twin Towers in the World Trade Center, another into the Pentagon and a fourth crashing in the middle of Pennsylvania. I was a freshman and I recall sitting in lunch (yes, I had lunch at like 10:30 am, 4^th period lunch, worst lunch period ever) when they made an announcement of the terrorist attacks over the loud speaker. I don’t think I will ever forget where I was, it is engraved in my memory. Our discussion went from random high school jargon to a more serious discussion; war. We knew, even as freshmen that our great nation would not sit back and let some shit brained terrorists kill thousands of Americans without any repercussion.  

When I got home and turned on the TV, the images of planes crashing into those building played over and over on every channel. People running covered in dust, running away from the crumbling towers. Images of this horrific day played all day, and night for days. These images are as clear in my mind now as they were the day I first saw them.  The man responsible: Osama Bin Laden, he was harbored by the Taliban controlled government in Afghanistan.  So in order to capture the man who devised the deadliest terror attack on American soil, we had to enter a war in Afghanistan.  This is a country where the people have only known war; since 1979 the Afghan people have been fighting outside invaders and one another.

                In 1979, the Soviet Union invaded this desolate, poor nation. Now this was during the heart of the cold war, so we saw this as an opportunity to give our hated enemy a defeat similar to ours in Vietnam. At the start we invested little money and weapons for these so called “Freedom Fighters”, but as the war between the Soviets and Afghanistan progressed our financial involvement grew. We began providing better weapons more money and training done by the Pakistanis ISA.

SIDE NOTE- Just a curious point, bin laden and his fellow Al-Qaeda were trained by Pakistan, the same place where he was hiding in his compound. Just interesting, that the Pakistani government didn’t know. Maybe it is just me though.

We began providing anti aircraft rockets to shoot down Soviet helicopters, which was a turning point in this war. Now I am not going to go into a history lesson about this war, you can research it on your own and formulate your own thoughts. Just know this, our money and weapons assisted these fighters, who we now call terrorists, which included one Osama Bin Laden. He assisted in “our” toppling of the Soviet Union arguably more than most Americans care to acknowledge. Bellow is an excerpt from an essay by rapper/political activist Immortal Technique which I feel fits my discussion, I will put a link to his full essay at the bottom of the page. I suggest you read it in order to hear a different opinion on Bin Laden, most may not agree with him (I don’t agree with everything he has to say either), though he makes several valid points. I believe strongly it is important to get as many POV’s as possible on any topic so you can form your own opinion.

After the collapse of the Dr. Najibullah’s regime, the loss of countless Afghan lives and over 20,000 Russian soldiers, Usāmah bin Muhammad bin Awad bin Lādin [there is no direct translation from Arabic to English so this is one of the many ways to spell his name, perhaps the closest translation possible] became another unpronounceable name that, to be quite honest and veer from the formal manner of journalism, nobody here gave a fuck about in 1989. The U.S. and its allies will downplay his roll, saying he just raised money, that he was not a great fighter. But he was a link, and a recognizable one that was considered as an asset to the CIA and to other intelligence services like the Pakistani ISI. In other words, he did to the Russians what we would call terrorism if it were done to us now. (Immortal Technique)

                I feel, now this is completely opinion I am not sure how I can prove it without entering the mind of Osama and the other Afghan Freedom Fighters, that we assisted in this decade long fight against Soviet invaders, and once the final Soviet soldiers retreated, so did our funding.  Now I can only help but to wonder if we put the same amount of money into the rebuilding of this poor nation as we did to help destroy it, would we have become the enemies of such a number of, now called, Terrorists. We left Afghanistan with an internal struggle for power, a struggle that would lead to civil war. Now is this the reason for us becoming radical Islam’s number one target? Or was it when the first American troops arrived in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait during the first gulf war? Regardless of the reasons, these freedom fighters were now called terrorists by the American Government.

                When we shared a common enemy with these people, they were freedom fighters, defending their home from the Bastard Communist invaders, yet once we no longer have a common enemy, they are terrorists. Then 9/11 occurred and the whole country began a rally to fight terrorism. President George W. Bush declared a war on terrorism, American citizens rallied behind this idea by waving the American flag outside their homes, on their cars and on the roads: Patriotism began to spread like wildfire. Now I just want to look at the term used for this war, “The War on Terrorism”.  This is a war with no clear enemy (though the media and government made Bin Laden the figurehead for the “enemy” in this war), it is a war fighting an idea not an actual enemy. It is similar to the fight against Communism after WWII; yes we gave the enemy label to the Soviet Union because it was the largest, most powerful Communist nation, but it was the idea of a communist state that the U.S. government was against.  

Side note—The eerie similarity between the Soviets and Osama, each was our “ally” turned enemy, the soviets during WWII, and perhaps without them making Germany Fight a two front war we would have struggled to win the war, and Osama during his fight vs. the Soviets. Shows that when there is a common enemy you will be the American Government’s friend, but when it is time for us to look good on the global stage we will declare you our enemy. A similar situation is occurring with the uprisings throughout the Middle East now, which I suppose is another blog entirely.

                Who was our enemy? The American Public, as stupid and naive as they are, decided that since these particular terrorists were Muslims all Muslims were terrorists. Irrefutable logic right? While these morons began to treat Muslim Americans differently they seem to forget that Islam is a religion of peace. Yes, there are Islamic people who are terrorists, but most of them are hard working, religious people, who would never harm anyone. Yet these Americans became singled out and harassed. For the Men the beards they grew as a symbol of their devotion to god became a way for stupid racists to spot them and harass them. The head dress worn by many woman of the faith to show their love for Allah became a symbol of how this religion oppresses women.   The faith of Islam became the public’s enemy. This country which was founded on the belief of religious freedom was now persecuting people because of their faith.

                Though this discrimination has died down recently, there have been two major controversies discriminating people of the Islamic faith. The first happened right here in our backyard.  I am sure everyone remembers the Mosque controversy in NYC, if not I shall recap what occurred. Last summer there was a proposal to purchase an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory and turn the Building into a Mosque/Community center. While the group was trying to raise funds to purchase the property the plans came to light in the public eye. Now this shouldn’t be a big deal, but this vacant building was different then all others: this was hallowed ground.

 Hold on. I have to pause and laugh at that asinine statement.

                This purposed site was two blocks away from the spot where the Twin Towers fell. Now within that same neighborhood there is an OTB (off-track betting) and a strip club. Yet Americans are fine with gambling and naked women occupying their “hallowed ground”, because what’s more American than that? Well religious freedom for one thing.  The ignorant public took this and ran with it, fueled by the moronic mass media.

SIDE NOTE- Mind you while all this was occurring, the group raising the money was not even close to the amount of money needed for the project.

                During demonstration and protests against the mosque (which was unnecessary in my mind, but it is the right of Americans to protest and if I refuse to take away the religious freedom of people, I would definitely not want to take away their right to freedom of speech and assembly) the side fighting against the mosque had no legitimate argument for the building not to be converted into a community center, so they resorted to racist rants, showing their ignorance and stupidity.  They referred to the people behind the mosque as, according to one protestor, "the same people who took down the twin towers," And that “it should be put in the Middle East” (quotes attributed to Steve Ayling, taken from a Foxnews.com Article, link at bottom). Really Steve? That is perhaps the most un-American thing you could say. You are trying to take away their right to follow the religion of their choosing. It is their right granted by the constitution, yet it is sad that these were not just the thoughts of Mr. Ayling, but of a whole group of Americans. These people were no different than the protestor’s except for their skin color and religious beliefs; they are not terrorists, they are not illegal immigrants, they are hard working Americans. Yet the protestors only saw something they did not understand, so they feared. They lumped in all people of the Islamic faith with those Islamic extremists. Instead of thinking about the situation in a logical way they allowed the hate to fuel their argument. They had no valid argument against an abandoned store becoming something meaningful to the Islamic community.

                Then in France just recently they placed a ban on women wearing anything that covers their face, this was targeted at the some 2,000 Muslim women who reside in France. The Niqab and the Burqa, are two of the headdresses worn by Muslim women as part of their religious beliefs. France’s Islamphobia led them to this ridiculous ban. In a country where Islam is the second largest religion (though not close to the Catholic population, about 5 million Muslims reside in the country) it does not appear that the government ready to acknowledge this. These women have chosen to wear the headdresses on their own will, yet France sees it as a danger. This is wrong in every way I could think of, bigotry at its finest. This would be similar if they were to ban yamakas, or not allow people to wear a cross around their neck; to take this away is to take away a person’s right to worship.

 I am still appalled that these things can occur in developed nations, and I apologize for that rant, but I feel it is necessary to show how anti-Muslim the post 9/11 world has become. But I shall return to the matter at hand, Osama Bin Laden, a man who helped the United States defeat the Soviet Union, now (and since the Clinton administration) our most wanted. Now since the Early 90’s the U.S. Government has been on a hunt for Bin Laden, but after the attacks on September 11, the hunt intensified. Bush began the deployment of American troops into Afghanistan, with the objective to overthrow the Taliban Government and to find and capture/kill Bin Laden.

After news that Bin Laden was killed, Facebook began be covered with “go America”, and “Osama’s dead” status.  Which is of course all well and dandy, because our troops have been hunting this man for years, and we finally got him; it is time to celebrate. Then I saw a status were the poster rambled for a few hundred characters and then posted this gem “We know Obama is trying to take credit for this . . . we do have stupid Americans who think he did this. Maybe we should give Bush a call and thank him”. I thought to myself really, thank Bush? I agree that Obama did nothing but listen to intelligence and give the green light on the mission— he does not deserve the credit for the killing of Osama. It was not Obama, nor was it Bush, in fact in my mind this would have been accomplished years ago if President Bush did not begin the pointless war in Iraq. This war took away crucial money, troops and weapons away from our campaign in Afghanistan, making it more difficult to find Osama. So let us not thank any politician, but let us thank the brave men and women fighting these two wars.  Not just the group of Navy Seals who actually carried out the mission, but to ever single solider who has stepped foot onto the barren landscape risking their lives for a cause which most don’t actually understand. I personally want to thank every single person in our military, you are the true heroes in all of this, and it is just a shame that politicians will use your sacrifices in order to seek their re-election. If Obama wants applause from the American public he will bring as many troops home as possible (though I know it is impossible to bring them all home because in order to help these two countries rebuild we must keep presence there.)

So Osama Bin Laden is dead what now? Is this the End of the war? No. As I said earlier this is a war without the possibility of victory, as Immortal Technique puts it,

Bin Laden may be the face of radical Islam, but he was not its only leader. His death leaves a vacuum, a place for others that may wish to find fame and at the same time satisfy their supposedly pious Muslim ego in “accepting their duty” to engage in a Jihad against someone who is occupying their country. This person who wishes to be a singular entity must remember, only a few of those have ever held true power. (Immortal Technique)

                With the death of one, another takes his place. If we were to pursue a war on this it would not end, there is a never ending supply of people that could be brainwashed into this wrong interpretation of Islam. The government would continue to ship our young men and women across the seas to fight, to kill, to destroy, to die. How many American lives are our politicians willing to waste on a futile effort? Our objective was Bin Laden and we, supposedly still waiting for proof, got him. It took ten years, and thousands of lives, but we finally have a bullet in his head. So this should be the end. We should now focus all the money on our own problems, other internal wars.

Whatever the result of the death of Bin Laden, let us never forget all those who perished on 9/11. Let us remember all the brave soldiers who gave their life. Whether you agree or disagree with the war, whether you believe the stories of what actually happened on 9/11 or if you are one of those conspiracy theorist, regardless of your skin color, regardless of your religious beliefs, regardless of your political views, and regardless of your social standing: Never forget.

Further reading----http://www.xxlmag.com/features/2011/05/the-legacy-of-bin-laden-by-immortal-technique/

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/08/22/supporters-opponents-ground-zero-mosque-hold-dueling-rallies/