Recently we received a letter from a young girl asking if Santa Claus was real. Well young Virginia it is time for you to know the truth.
Each year on December 25th children across the globe rush to their Christmas trees to view the packages that were left underneath for them. It is understood by most of these children that the gifts were left by a jolly, magical, obese, cookie fiend who lives at the snowy North Pole with an army of little people who spend the 364 days (365 in a leap year) other than Christmas eve building toys that when opened read “Mattel”, “Playstation”, and other name brands.
On Christmas Eve, this man flies from roof top to roof top of all children who belong to certain sects of Christianity on a sleigh pulled by a team of flying rangifer tarandus, better known as reindeer. After landing the sleigh, all the reindeer, all the toys, and his not so light self onto the roof without it collapsing underneath the weight, which in itself may be more fantastic and magical than a team of caribou flying and pulling a sleigh around the globe in one evening, he enters the home. Now in most states this is considered breaking and entering a crime subject to fines and time in prison where Saint Nick would most likely not fare well.
Now once inside the house he plants these mystery boxes strategically under the pine tree, or pipe cleaners sticking out of an aluminum pole to create the illusion of a pine tree. Parents constantly tell their children not to talk with, or take anything from strangers, yet here is a stranger who is leaving boxes full of unknown components, yet parents don’t stop these from being received. When the boxes are being unwrapped just pray Santa wasn’t having a bad day, and that ticking noise coming from the package is really just that new watch you had hoped for. The world better pray Mrs. Claus does not leave her husband or we are in for a red Christmas.
After dropping off the hopefully not dangerous gifts he defies all laws of gravity and makes it back the roof top, where his reindeer wait for him, missing their opportunity to escape their life of slavery. He does this over and over until he visits the home of every child on his nice list. The list which was created by months of watching other people’s children sleep, also known as pedophilia, also a crime. How he watches the children of the world is not know, but before going to sleep children should check their teddy’s eye ball to make sure it isn’t a secret camera.
So, Virginia, if you want to believe that this overweight child watcher is bringing you gifts each Christmas morning you are more than welcome, just remember that Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of prostitutes as well as children.
You can tell your friends this: there is a Santa Claus, but he is not a person he is instead the embodiment of the holiday spirit.
