A Different Christmas

I was prepping a jolly Christmas post, well not jolly it was about an earthling who was the only survivor of a colony on a distant planet who finds himself seeking out a mysterious light around Christmas time, but that isn't getting posted.

Last night on December 24th I lost my lovely wonderful grandma.

I'll miss you. I really don't know how to deal with this, but I'm going to do it like I do with most things and that is by writing about it.

Grandma,

I just want to let you know how much I love you and how much you have meant to me throughout my life.  I am going to miss our long conversations about great literature,  our political discussions, and our other life talks, but most of all I'll just miss sitting on an adjacent couch from you and laughing. 

While I am utterly heartbroken with losing you, I am happy to know you are spending this Christmas with Grandpa. May you have a Manhattan and catch up on the years without him.

Life will never be the same  without you in it, but I love you with all my heart and will have you on my mind everyday and with every word I write.

g

Love,
Danny

A Western End

part 1, part 3, part 4, part 5

Part 2

“I’m just plain tired of it.” Shelby slumps forward in his chair spinning the Colt Dragoon resting on the table.

“We’s gone be fine like always Shelby.”

 
Shelby doesn’t look at his younger brother Odum as he tried to comfort him. Odum was barely 22 yet he has see more than most criminals roaming the territory. His smile was that of an innocent man, yet his mind was darkened by with the souls of many people taken at his hands. His hair was light blonde and his eyes a deep blue, when in Red Creek and all the similar dirt towns he is favored by the women and despised by the men.

“Maybe it is jus’ time to let that old marshal get me. Jus’ ride to town an’ let him have me hung. It’s tha only endin’ that I deserve.” Shelby stands up, walks over to the cabin window, and stares out over the frosted plains. Shelby is not as handsome as his younger brother. His hair is a dark blonde and his eyes an eerie grey, but what he lacks in the looks department he makes up for in intelligence. 

“Don’ go talkin’ like tha’ wha’ would mama say?”

“Mama would say we’s givin’ the Kindel’s a bad name. Sometime I’m glad she ain’t alive to watch what I have become an’ the path I led you down.” Shelby leans his head against the filthy glass window, “I wish I could change my path; I wish I could have made mama proud.

“Mama is proud, we ain’t poor no more.” Odum stands up and walks over to his brother placing his hand on Shelby’s shoulder. “Remember where we was when mama died, you saved us an’ all the boy’s dat’s why we loyal to ya an’ believe in where ya take us.”

“Sure I remember.”

Shelby went deep into his memory and watched as the plains turned into the bustling streets of Paterson. 

Snow covered the trees and the Great Falls were nearly frozen over, young Shelby stood by the shore of the Passaic River staring out at the blooming city above. Odum came stumbling down the hill.

“We can’t stay here. We ain’t got nothin’ left.” Shelby spoke without turning around at his brother.

“We gots Auntie Beatrice.” Odum tried to force a smile.

“She can’t even take care of her own how you think she take care of us?”

“But she said mama tol’ her dat we will stay wit her.”

“Mama is dead, Odum,” Shelby turned to face his brother, “look at us. Tha way we dressed there no way we survive winter here.”

Odum looked down at himself he was wearing a torn grey frock coat that once belonged to Shelby and a pair of faded black pants that were once their older brother who was rotting somewhere in the filth of a Manhattan jail awaiting his meeting with the hangman. He looked back at Shelby who was wearing just a plain green button down shirt without a jacket, his face was red from the winter wind.

“Where we gonna go Shel?” Odum began to cry, “Manhattan?”

“We don’ wanna go there. I went to visit Matthew an’ saw where he was livin’. The Five Points ain’t made for no human livin’. We gotta go west.”

“West?”

Shelby wiped his brother’s tears from his cheek and embraced him. He ran his hand through Odum’s blonde hair. “Yea. we gotta go west. I got us some money so we will take a train out to St. Louis an’ make our way from there.”

“How you gets money for a train?”

“I killed a man.” Shelby let go of his brother and turned back around to the river. “I stabbed him in tha neck an’ tooks his money and pocket watch an’ left him to die alone.”

Odum started to cry heavily.

“I ain’t have no choice, ain’t noone gonna take care of us but me.” Tears rolled down Shelby’s cheeks past the scar that he got from working in the mill when he was younger. “It jus’ us.”

“Ain’t ya worried about hell?”

“Hell is where we livin now. I ain’t worried bout nothin’ but getting us out of bein’ poor.”

The cabin door opens and the mills of Paterson turn back into the frosted plains.

“You right Odum, mama would be proud, maybe not of the ways we lived, but that we taken care of each other.” Shelby smiles and walks back over to take a seat at the table.

“Any sign of the ole marshal?”

“Nah, sir, we gots no sign of him.” Norwood Lyle speaks as he piles firewood into the stove.  “If any of tha fellas see someone dey sure run to tell us.”

“Put some coffee on fo’ the boys. Have em come in fo’ breakfast.”

“But boss whas bout dat marshal?” Norwood asks as he starts the coffee.

“Cummings ain’t gone kill no man while eatin’ eggs. He a man of God an’ ain’t gonna kill no one that ain’t out to harm him.”

Norwood wiped his black hands on his gray shirt and heads to the door. he shouts out “Fellas we’s gone have some breakfas’.” Norwood makes his way back to the stove and starts cracking the eggs the gang stole from a nearby ranch.

“Maybe we should move from here Shel.” Odum takes the seat next to his brother at the table. “Maybe we go north ta Canada, they ain’t got no idea who we are there, maybe we can start again.”

“Till Marshal Cummings is out of the way we ain’t gonna be safe no wheres.” Shelby plucks the Colt off the table storing it safely in the holster on his hip. “We gonna stan’ an’ fight. Sides he ain’t gonna be wit no one.”

“How you know he ain’t gonna have no posse?”

“Ain’t no one in that town he can trus’, bunch of crooks and thieves that never forgave him fo’ killin’ Elsworth Sloane.”

Three men walk into the cabin lead by Archie Bruff a muscle bound man who has a flair for flannel shirts and the lumberjack beard to match, following behind him was Walton McMurry a short anger filled Irishman, and Moses Hagerman a plain looking young kid no more than 16 who joined the gang after escaping an orphanage. They take seats around the table.

“Wha tha nigger cookin’?” Archie asks with a smile on his face.

Shelby stares at him anger boils up and he punches Archie square in the nose, blood spills out onto the table.

“Wha I say ‘bout that word? Norwood is one of us an’ ain’t no one call him a nigger.”

“Sorry boss.” Archie holds his nose and tilts his head back in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

“Don’ apologize to me. You apologize to Norwood.” Shelby stands up and walks over to the cabinet and grabs a ragged cloth and tosses it at Archie.

“I sorry Norwood.”

“Ain’t nothin’ I knows you ain’t mean no harm by it. I used to worse anyways.” Norwood walks over with a pot of coffee and a plate of scrambled eggs placing it in the center of the table. “Yous is the only family I have, I don’t mind some foolin’.” Norwood smiles and takes his seat at the table with the rest of the gang. Shelby brings cups and plates and joins them.

Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part Eight

Welcome back folks! It has been a couple of months since I brought you a new 'Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So" and since it is December I decided to share some of my holiday favorites. I chose to go with full length feature films which is why you won't see a couple of my absolute favorites such as How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original cartoon, not that Jim Carrey abomination that can burn in hell where it belongs), A Charlie Brown Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, or any of those sweet ass claymation made for TV movies.

It was tough to narrow it down, so I'm sure next year you will see such holiday awesomeness as I'll be Home for Christmas starring the dreamy JTT and Jessica Biel, Hulk Hogans awful Santa With Muscles, or some other movie that is actually awful, but puts me in the spirit of the holidays.

So sit back decorate whatever it is you decorate and enjoy.

A Christmas Story (1983)- Bob Clark; MGM, Christmas Tree Films

It wouldn't be Christmas without watching  A Christmas Story, though it has been played to death with all day showings of it, I still like to find time at least once a year to sit down and enjoy this film. I think at this point everyone and their great grandfather has seen this movie, so I don't need to go into much detail, but if you are one of those weirdos who has lived under a rock all these years go watch the movie: just try not to shoot your eye out.

Die Hard (1988)- John McTiernan; 20th Century Fox, Gordon Company, Silver Pictures

It wouldn't be Christmas without John McClane (Bruce Willis) kicking some terrorist ass at the Najatomi Plaza. This it the first and best of the Die Hard films. John just wants to go and see his wife and family for Christmas, but noooo he can't just simply do that because Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) and his German terrorist group have taken everyone at John's wife's company Christmas party hostage. Instead of sipping eggnog and catching up with his wife and kids Mr. McClane has to kill people and save lives.

And don't start with that 'Die Hard isn't a Christmas movie' bullshit. If it wasn't a Christmas movie would John have written this nice holiday message on the sweater of a dead terrorist?

No, I didn't think so.

Scrooged (1988)- Richard Donner; Paramount Pictures, Mirage Productions

Whenever Bill Murray does anything it becomes comedic gold because the man is a genius, so when he tackles Dickens 'A Christmas Carol' the end result is brilliance. Murray plays a TV executive who is a complete scrooge he has everyone working on Christmas Eve to produce a live version of 'A Christmas Carol'. During the night he is visited by the three Ghosts of Christmas just like Ebeneezer Scrooge in the book, but will he too have a change of heart? That is for you to watch the movie and find out. Trust me you will not be disappointed, unless you are not a fan of Bill Murray. If that is the case go to a doctor because you may be dead.

Christmas Vacation (1989)- Jeremiah Chechik; Warner Bros. Hughes Entertainment

One of the most dysfunctional families in motion picture history gathers together to celebrate Christmas. The Griswolds return to us as Clark plans on having the best Christmas ever and as with the vacation he wanted to have to Wally World a few years prior nothing goes right.

It all starts going wrong when Cousin Eddie arrives with his RV and it just goes down the storm drain like the shit from Eddie's RV from there. Everything that goes wrong goes wrong, but hey at leaset Clark has his Christmas bonus to look forward to, and the nice pool he plans on building with it, right?

Home Alone (1990)- Chris Columbus; Hughes Entertainment, 20th Century Fox

A movie that makes parents feel like they aren't that bad. Kevin, played by Macaulay Culkin, gets left behind as his family frantically tries to leave for the airport. First the poor kid doesn't get any plain pizza and then he gets left alone, what else could go wrong? He could also be in a home being stalked by hardened professional criminals, but fortunately for him he gets Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern). The 'Wet Bandits' a term Marv has given the duo because he always leaves the kitchen sink running after robbing a house, because that seems like something that anyone would do. They think that Kevin would be an easy target, but oh boy they are wrong!

While all that is going on Kevin's mom hitches a ride from a polka band headed by John Candy to try and make it back home to save her son, because now for some reason she cares. She didn't care to notice he wasn't with them when they left, but now she cares. John Candy is hilarious and one of my favorite characters in the film after Pesci and Stern.

Home Alone 2 (1992)- Chris Columbus; Hughes Entertainment, 20th Century Fox

How shitty can these parents be? It was just two years ago that you left him alone to fend for himself and now you lose him at an airport and he winds up in the concrete jungle of New York City. How were all your children not taken away? Are you fucking kidding me? I get it Kevin is an annoying child you fucked up when you had him. You should have stopped when you had Buzz because if that kid isn't a sign that you shouldn't have been parents I don't know what would be: oh yeah forgetting your kids.

With that rant behind us I can maybe talk about the movie. It contains much of the same hijinks as the first one as Kevin tries and survive New York City while making fools of Harry and Marv now going by the 'Sticky Bandits', in Marv's mind anyway. While they are similar in the tomfoolery Home Alone 2 is the rare sequel that is better than the first. It could be because the setting allows for more to happen or it could be because of Tim Curry. I'm going to go with a nice combination of both.


Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

The Santa Clause (1994)- John Pasquin

Usually when someone dies by falling off your roof  their family would take your ass to court for everything that you are worth, and in this case Scott Calvin, played by Tim Allen, a suave businessman who chose working over his family so their would be a lot of money at stake. That isn't the case in the universe of The Santa Clause. In this world you take over that mans job of breaking into peoples homes and leaving gifts for little boys and girls.

Tim Allen has to learn not only how to become Santa Claus, but also how to stop disappointing his lame wad son. Not only have his ex-wife all mad because their son thinks he is Santa but he also has the guy plowing her, Judge Rienhold, trying to psychoanalyze him and keep Scott from his son. I mean it would be one thing to keep the kid away if Scott was out trying to board planes with 650 grams of cocaine or driving around drunk, but the man is just trying to start a new career out as Santa Claus: just let his lame son believe in him for Christ's sake

Jingle All the Way (1996); Brian Levant; 1492 Pictures, 20th Century Fox

When you think of Christmas the first thing I'm sure that pops into your head is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, me too.

Basically the plot revolves around Arnold who is a very busy business man and always disappoints his son by missing life events because he is too busy at the office. I don't blame him, if my son was that obnoxious I would stay later at work as well. Sorry Jamie dad has to work hard so you can live it that big house, go to those karate classes, to get that lame bowl haircut, and to have cable TV to watch your dumb Turbo Man show. In order for his stupid kid to love him he must go out on Christmas Eve and try and find a Turbo Man doll. Picture going out Christmas Eve in 1996 looking for a Tickle Me Elmo, that's pretty much what happens here.

Jingle All the Way is so fantastically awesome not only because of all the lines that I quote throughout the holiday season, but also because it co-stars the legendary Phil Hartman. The main co-star is Sinbad and sure he has memorable lines throughout the movie, but when Phil Hartman is in something he tends to overtake other actors.

Bad Santa (2003)- Terry Zwigoff; Columbia Pictures, Dimension Films, Triptych Pictures

This is one of the only two movies on this list I can watch at any time of the year (along with Die Hard) because it is not just about Christmas it is down right hysterical. Billie Bob Thornton is the perfect person to play the role of a conman posing as a mall Santa to pull off a heist. He is such a believable asshole alcoholic conman one would think he is really one. Mix in Bernie Mac and John Ritter in his last live action role and you get a holiday movie that keeps you laughing from beginning to end.

So before I move on to the next film I just have to ask:

Get Santa (2014)- Christopher Smith; Film i Vast, Scott Free Productions

I had nine movies and I had to make a choice: I could put on another movie everyone has seen or put an obscure one, so I went the obscure route. Get Santa comes to us from across the pond starring Jim Broadbent as the jolly saint with slight pedophile tendencies. I know him as Boss Tweed from Gangs of New York, the rest of you may know him as Professor Horace Slughorn from the Harry Potter series. Regardless of where you know him from he plays a fantastic Santa Claus.

Basically the plot of the movie is that Santa crashes his sleigh then goes on the run from the police, but before he gets caught and tossed into jail he hides out in someones shed. A young boy goes into the shed. . . yeah I thought the same thing at first, but no nothing perverted happened; on camera at least. Anyway Santa knows this boy and his father (clearly because he is Santa, and when the father was young he met Santa) and they are the only ones that can save him, so they go through a lot to try and prove the man who was arrested is really Santa Claus. Meanwhile the Father, played by Rafe Spall, was recently released from prison and uses this as a time to bond with his son again. He also uses his connections inside the prison to try to make Santa tough and the ability to survive in jail.

Overall it is a funny movie and a nice Christmas tale of a father trying to do what is right and fix his life. A lot of the humor is dry as most British humor is, so if you don't like British comedies this may not be for you, but give it a chance anyway because it will get you into the Christmas spirit.



Have a Merry Christmas or happy whatever Holiday you celebrate, regardless of your faith, if any, just go drink (unless that's against your religious beliefs then go and toke a bit or something) because being a human is stressful and everyone could use a drink.