Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Haikus Volume 3

Hello everybody, happy Haikuesday! 

Welcome to my third installment of my series of haikus (check out Volume 1 and Volume 2)! I know what you are thinking and I'm pretty sure your reaction is something like this:

Easy, I don't know if I can live up to that much excitement, but I'll try.

I
A zombie rises:
millions die for his preaching’s.
In the name of God.

II
Pink flowers sprout up
coloring the field for spring!
Late frost kills color.

III
My words on paper
sent to entertain mankind,
but no one reads them.

III
I dream of her kiss.
I want to wake up near her
with my hand in hers.

IV
Wind blows her to me.
I hold her close, “I love you”.
Wind takes her from me.

V
My car speeds along.
Bam! Bang! A pothole slows me.
“Hello triple A?”

VI
Rain pours from above
drenching the woman’s white shirt.
The perverts all stare.

VII
The cat sleeps in bed.
A meow in the distance
The cat scampers off.

VIII
I’m nervous when she
is near me. I want her to
be near me all day.

IX
Clouds roll in quickly.
The dog caught in the downpour.
dripping he comes home.


Monday, March 30, 2015

A Brief Monday Philosophy

Moments in the past cannot be changed. No matter how many times I replay a scene in my head going over what I didn’t do or what I should have done the past remains a fixated piece of history: unchangeable. No matter how many times I pretend I swooped down and kissed her or I left the knife in the car and took my ass whopping in stride it doesn’t change that I missed an opportunity with a woman I have feelings for or that I ended up in jail with a felony conviction to carry on my record. The past is the past it’s unchangeable, what is done has been done and is etched in my story, but the present is still mine to rule create a better future.As long as I live the present to the fullest and my future will be bright. Whatever I do i refuse to live with regrets, I have made mistakes and have things in the past  that I wish I can do over about, but don’t regret it. Whatever it was it helped mold me into the person I am today and I embrace it as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Throwback Thursday: Singing a Better Toon

As all of you may or may not know I love the 90’s. I have written about this several times, my favorite revisit to my childhood was a small poem called ‘When Nas Was Illmatic’ and I touched on it on the two previous “Throwback Thursday” posts I have done.  I remember the days of my childhood (and high school years since I didn’t go out much) sitting in my pajamas, or shorts watching my favorite TV shows eating bowl after bowl of cereal.

Shit, if I didn’t have a job I would probably still sit around watching TV all day every day. I want that life again. Who needs a job or a relationship when you have 90’s TV to occupy your time? I could binge watch Boy Meets World or Legends of the Hidden Temple all day. Does anyone what to pay me to do that? No? Ok, I’ll keep my job then. Maybe I'll find a broad— I mean a woman, I am sooo sorry to all my feminist readers who are offended by the word broad. I mean I’m not really sorry, but we took this super annoying harassment test at work and I realized (I really already knew) that everything I say or do is some sort of harassment and probably makes people uncomfortable, so I’ll try not to offend people. And I’m joking, people are too sensitive these days and need to learn to take a joke, I mean you women can take a dick so I am sure you can take a little bit of antifeminist humor too right?

Shit, that was offensive too, sorry. I love you all and wish one day you will actually be treated as equals to men, shit most of you are already smarter and more talented to your idiotic male counterparts and deserve to be placed ahead of them.

Besides 90s TV was super empowering to women, shit look at Topanga, she was all about being independent (yes, yes she was always with Corey, but she controlled that shit and good for her.) she was also my first TV crush, her Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle.

I had a point I was trying to get to, but like a suspect on The First 48 I don't recall. It was nearly two paragraphs ago, how do you expect someone with the attention span of a moth to remember? I think it was something about finding a sugar mama so I could sit at home and watch 90s TV shows and write my novel all day. If that wasn't what I was going to say it is now. You wouldn't know the difference and you cant tell me what to do because:

Anyway, back to the post. Sorry, I’m always losing track of my topic. Like I said I have the attention span of a hermit crab that has a few missing chromosomes.  

I miss the TV watching days, so today I want to relive them.

I am not going to do TV shows with real actors, no; today I will focus on greatness of the cartoons we were all able to enjoy each morning. There were so many, and today I while I eat a bowl of Cap’n Crunch listening to The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s greatest hits I will list my ten favorites. As you all know decision making is something I struggle with everyday of my life, so you should all be super proud of me that I was able to put this list together. 

10- Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Once you got past the fact that these things were monsters and kind of disgusting and that they are training to scare the shit out of humans they became super relatable. They are just a group of friends going through ups and downs while trying to navigate through their preteens. Besides having that many friends and having horrid arm pit stench I see a lot of my young self in Krumm.

9- Duck Tales

Yes I know this show ended in 1990 and isn’t really a 90s show, but who wasn’t watching this during our childhood? It really made me wish I had a rich Uncle to go on adventures with; I would have been way entertaining then Huey, Dewey, or Louie . . . oh childhood dreams. And they always told me I could do anything I wanted— liars.  Also I was on Wikipedia and saw that Disney is planning a reboot of this series coming in 2017 and I believe everything I read on Wikipedia, so we have that to look forward to.

8- Chip ‘N Dale rescue Rangers

Another show that was actually aired in the late 80’s, but was aired as a part of Disney’s afternoon cartoon lineup in the early 90’s. What isn’t to love about Chip ‘N Dale? They are adorable chipmunks who solve mysteries. One is a rip off of Indian Jones and the other of Magnum PI which is a never fail combination. Now if only Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford mad a movie in the 80’s combining these forces. I would have watched that shit just for Magnum PI’s mustache.

7- Inspector Gadget

Once again a show that originally aired in the 80’s, but was syndicated during my youth Gadget was the most awesome detective in the history of television ever. This dude had a helicopter hat. A fucking helicopter hat!!! He more gadgets than James Bond and he owned the greatest dog in the history of television. If all dogs were like Brian I would probably be a dog person, but they aren’t, so I’m not.

6- Rocket Power

I mean who didn’t love this cartoon? Shoobies, that’s who, fucking Shoobies always ruining the sweet surf spots and getting in the teams way. The only thing that irked me about this show is how they were good at everything. Even Squid was better than me at everything. You know how it makes a kid feel that some short fat un-athletic kid named Squid is better than them at everything? It makes me feel smaller than a dwarf playing basketball against Shaq. Not only was he better at sports than me, but he was smarter too. Fuck you Squid, Otto, Twister, Reggie, and fuck you too Raymundo. Tito you are my spiritual guide through life, you are cool man.

5- Doug

Ah, Doug, you were a nerd wearing a sweater vest and khaki shorts, but we all loved you. We wish you would have beaten up Roger, that guy was a freaking jerk man. I hope you and Skeeter are still best friends and you are plowing Patti Mayonnaise. I’m sure Porkchop has long died, so I am sorry for your lose. Sometimes I wish you would return because the world would be a much better place with Quailman watching over it.

4- Rocko’s Modern Life

Watching this show on DVD (a proud possession of mine) I realize how incredibly inappropriate it was for children. The jokes were filthy and perverted, but as a kid it was just funny because it was all strange to us and we didn’t get it. I recommend you all re-watch this show and discover how much acid the creators were probably doing during the production of the show. When watching it now the cartoon has a whole new meaning and it becomes appreciated in a whole new way.

3- SpongeBob Squarepants

This is one of the last good cartoons before they started making cartoons strictly about fart jokes and homosexual pirates.  I love SpongeBob, I mean I really like Patrick because he is so dumb, but he remains a devoted friend to SpongeBob.  This is one of the few cartoons on this list that are still on TV daily, so trust me I watch this way more than any 27 year old should, but fuck it. The only reason I put it so high on my list is because I quote this all the time, and because I’m hungry right now (that Cap’n Crunch did not fill me up) and I can really go for a Krabby Patty©.

2- Batman: The Animated Series

This is by far the greatest cartoon super hero series. Way better than anything that was done prior or following. The animation was gritty, the storylines were brilliant and I love the noir style of the entire thing.  This is the only non-humor based cartoon on this list, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t funny when I was young; the action spoke wonders to me. I need to finish buying all these on DVD. Let me go do that now.

1- Darkwing Duck

He was a “daring duck of mystery, champion of right, swoops out of the shadows. Darkwing owns the night. Somewhere some villain schemes, but his numbers up! Darkwing Duck.” Right when I heard this I knew it was time to get dangerous and save St. Canard from evil doers.  Though Batman is a better “superhero” cartoon I love Darkwing a bit more as a show and I don’t need to give any damn reason, but I will give one: this is my favorite show because as Billy Madison would say its “quacktastic”.



I’m sure if you ask me on another day the order of this list may change or some other cartoons may enter, this is the list that has been posted on the internet so it is the official list and is set in stone (never mind the fact that I can go in and edit it whenever I want).

What are you favorites? What cartoons did I leave off of here that you think belong? Let’s discus in the comment section below!

Friday, March 20, 2015

A Moment of Honesty

As you all know I am single. It doesn’t bother me one bit, though some nights it would be nice to have someone like that in my life. I recapped this all almost exactly one year ago right here on this blog since that posting I have gone out on a date with one broad. After the initial date we saw each other for a couple of months and then it was over.  It was nice while it lasted, a few good times, obviously which mean bupkus because it didn’t lead anywhere, but I got my feet wet in the dating game again after a long hiatus. By long I mean forever long. Long enough to the point where my last girlfriend found the real love of her life and is set to get married this fall, an event that should be a good time.  I’m happy for her; most people think that it would bother me that the first person I loved is getting married. It really doesn’t for the simple fact that if it was meant to be it would have been. It wasn’t she saw that, I saw that eventually after. She found her soul mate and I’m more than happy for a good friend of mine.  I cannot wait to celebrate with the both of them, and wish them the brightest future.
Now let me get back to doing what I do so well and talk about myself. Right now as of today I still am looking for someone to come into my life that will be my soul mate; I’m not rushing though, it will happen when it happens. Obviously I do not expect the next girl date or sleep with to be that person, but I look forward to finding them. Life is an adventure and finding love is one of those things that happen during that adventure: or sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe I won’t ever meet that perfect person for me. I won’t meet someone who complements me, who will make me strive to be the best me I can be.  If they never come into my life then I will finish the adventure alone, and I’m ok with that too. I will never be one to force myself into something because all my friends are doing it or that society says that it should happen, fuck that I’m me and if I can’t find someone who gets that wants to share an adventure with me then I’ll just go on by myself with a few hookers mixed in or something.
As of now there are two women in my life that I would like to try and find out if it will go anywhere. They are both far out of my league which is why I haven’t actually pursued anything. One of them I have know for a while now and I know them, and can tell from that it would last for anything, so I will never do anything as far as a relationship. I think it will be better to keep the friendship where it stands.
This other person, I really don’t know and I’m pretty sure doesn’t share the same attraction for me that I have for her. Once again in my mind she is out of my league, maybe more so than my friend in the previous paragraph. But she really intrigues me. She meets all of the requirements on the “What is Dan Perrucci looking for” list: gorgeous, funny, smart, hard working, and independent. Will I ever ask her out? Probably not, I mean I should, my own mind has told me so during one of my late night conversations with myself, but I most likely won’t, though there is maybe a 4% chance that I do.
The reason for this is this thinking is that I always have in my mind that every woman I find myself physically and mentally attracted can do better than me and why should I prevent them from finding that better person by wasting their time? Logical right?
No, I know it’s fucking stupid. I am a super confident person except apparently when it comes to this, and my writing, sometimes I doubt that I am any good at putting words together. So what does this really say about my desire to meet someone if all the females I am attracted to my brain tells me they can do better or that I have no chance to even begin with because the attraction isn’t mutual . I always agree so I’m dead in the water right there. Maybe it is my brains way of preventing my heart from getting hurt, or maybe I really aren’t as confident as I let myself believe.

Whatever the answer is I just hope one day I overcome this idiotic tick in my brain to open myself up to someone, but if not I will be ok. I swear, I don’t need anyone in my life I am an individual and will be the same person regardless of my relationship status. I just think it would be nice to have someone to hold at night and talk about this adventure that is called life.

Title TBA

Part 1Part 2, Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7



Part III

I had three options, go up to the bell tower and watch the hookers apartment to see if she was lying to me, go find the little man, or get a drink. Since I didn’t have the equipment for a long distance stake out with me, or  have any idea where to start looking for the little man I took my third option and headed down the street to Mulligan’s Pub.

Mulligan’s was run by a small fiery Irish immigrant who back n Ireland he was a member of the IRA, but here he runs a quiet pub that would fit right back in Dublin, or whatever Mick town he was from. He told stories of his IRA days and I know he has connections with the Irish mob here, so I wasn’t just heading there for a drink, but also some information: mainly just a drink.

I walked into Mulligan’s and took a seat at the bar; it was a worn oak top riddled with cigarette burns from long ago. Pat, the owner and bartender walked over to me, his face stern and serious: he never smiled even while telling a joke. He had a thick beard that had grayed with his age. His hair was short and combed over like a catholic altar boy with a color to match his beard.

“What’ll it be laddie?”

“A Guinness and a whiskey.”

“Of course it is. It’s always whiskey for this one.” He spoke to the empty bar. He poured me a glass and placed it in front of me.

“Sheppard’s pie as well.” I slammed back my whiskey. He brought the bottle over, poured another one.

“Aye, he eats! He don’t just drink.” His facial expression remained the same even when he laughed at his own joke. “Son, you’ve been coming in here for years and never ordered food ‘tis a miracle if you ask me.” He placed the order to the kitchen and came back over to me. I was the only customer and Pat loved to talk. “What seems to be the trouble?”

“Work.” I took a sip of my beer. No one in Salem Bay could pour a Guinness to perfection like Pat. It must have be the green blood that pumped through his veins.

            “Ay, tough job this week?”

            Pat knew what I did; I had done a job for his brother a year prior. It was a quick job taking out a federal judge. Pat was the only person I could talk to about my work with.

            “I think I was set up,” I slowly sipped my beer

“Why would ya say that?”

“The mark found me before I found him,” the cook brought out my Sheppard’s pie; I waited for him to head back to the kitchen, “I was hoping you would know someone who can help locate my employer.”

“Oh, let me just run ta the end of the rainbow and grab a wee bit of magic.” His face stayed stern as if he was serious about a magic rainbow.

“Sarcastic prick,” I shook my head and downed anther whiskey, “I have a limo plate number and you have friends. I figure you can trace it for me.”

“What’s the plate number?”

“GCA987.”

Pat walked into his office which was situated in the back corner of the bar. I finished my lunch and waited for him to come back with some information. It felt good to finally have something in my stomach to balance out all the booze I had been drinking since I woke up. Pat returned and handed me a folded piece of paper. I read it. It had a name and address; finally a start.

“Be careful laddie.”

I paid my tab and headed back out into the snow, the address that was given to me is back down in the Southside near my apartment. The car must be registered to the driver, but he can point me to where I can find the little man.

 I hailed a cab and he dropped me off at a rundown project building which made my place feel like a Vegas penthouse.

Outside of the entrance was three men just like the ones that hung outside of my apartment. They stared at me as I walked to the entrance. They were each wearing green hoodies, the fat one was wearing a Celtics knit hat sitting on a bench, the thin one had nothing on his head, but I’m sure his afro kept his head warm, and the third one stood with his arms crossed acting as tough as he could: the steroids helped him accomplish that.

“Yo, what you here fo’ son?” The fat one said, or some variation of that it was hard to understand him because he had a hard time with talking and breathing at the same time. I ignored him, put my hands into my coat pockets, and kept walking toward the building.

“Maybe you ain’t heard my friend. We axin’ what you doing here.” The steroid user stepped in front of my path.

“Me?” I asked pretending to be confused.

“Yeah, you.”

“Oh, no one told you? I have been sent here by the city to give you fellows some English lessons!”

“Oh, you’s a wise guy?” The fat one said as he struggled off of the bench, “I think we ought to handle dis like we did wit’ the teachers in school.”

The muscle bound guy grabbed my under arms and lifted me into the air, as the skinny one and the lard laughed. My finger felt the trigger of my snub nose, I squeezed and the muscle head dropped me as the bullet lodged in his chest. The other two grabbed him.

“You motherfucker, you kilt him!”

“Listen idiots, I’m here to see someone and unless one of you shit heads holds a job as a limo driver I don’t believe you are him. So, if you don’t mind moving your friend to the side and getting out of my way I’ll let you guys stay alive for his funeral.”

The fat one stood up and looked at me, his round face wet from tears, “Dat was my brother you bitch.”

“Listen, tubs, he isn’t dead yet,” I pulled out my wallet and tossed a twenty at the dying man, “get a cab and take him to the hospital. I’m sure he will be all right.” I said as I rolled my eyes knowing damn well he was going to die. Ambulances never respond quick enough in this part of town

“I think we fuck you up instead cracker.”

“I wouldn’t do that, I don’t want to kill you guys too. Just go to the hospital.” They stepped toward me and the fat one reached into his hoody to pull out what I could only assume was a weapon. I pulled out my Walther PPK and shot him in the kneecap, he fell to the ground with a thud kicking up a cloud of snow snow. I pointed the gun at the scrawny thug. “Listen, just take them to the hospital before I put a bullet into your head and they bleed out here in the snow.”

He was terrified his eyes twitched. He picked up the twenty dollars and ran to the street to hail a cab. I stepped over his bloody friends and headed into the project

The lobby smelt like piss I had to hold my breath until I reached the stairs. I walked up to the second floor and knocked on apartment 2G.

A young girl answered the door and stared up at me.

“I’m looking for a Blake Randolph.”

The girl didn’t take her eyes off of me, “BR, dare a white man here. It probably the police, what you do?”

A short black kid wearing glasses came to the door and the girl went inside mocking him like he was just sent to the principal’s office.

“Blake?”

“Yes sir. Most people just call me B.R.”

“B.R. mind if I come in a moment? I’m not the police I just have some questions about your employer.”

BR seemed to be relieved that I wasn’t the police. I went into the small one bedroom apartment; it was clean compared to the rest of the building. To the left was a coffee table and ragged couch. On the table were several books, and papers. To the right of the TV set was a bookshelf full of all the classic books and several more by modern day civil rights authors.

“You can sit down sir.”

“Thanks.” I sat down and he cleared, up some more books off of a recliner and took a seat
.
“I’m not sure how I can assist, I’m only a driver.”

“Well, the limo is registered in your name, so I figured you would be a good start. I work for him, or for his employer, as well, but I don’t even know his name.”

“It’s Mr. Williams. I don’t know his first name.”

“Where do you pick him up?”

“I don’t. The limo stays in a parking garage on 12th and he calls me an hour before I’m supposed to drive him. I just go there and he is already waiting in the limo. I never see him arrive and he stays after I leave.”

“Do you have his number?”

“He always calls from restricted.” B.R., fidgeted his hands, and stared at me, “I am not dumb, I get the feeling this is not a good relationship you have with my boss. I don’t want to lose my job. It pays well and is helping get me through college. There aren’t many opportunities like this for someone from here.”

“I wouldn’t want you to lose your job, but I need to see this man.” I grabbed a pen and notebook off of the coffee table I scribbled my cell number down, ripped it out, and handed it to him. “Just call me right after he calls you.”

I pulled the last stack of money I had in my pocket and dropped it onto the table. I stood up and walked out of the apartment back into the urine scented stairwell.

I stepped out of the building as a group of people gathered around a pool of blood in the snow. I walked past them without stopping and headed to the street. I stopped, lit another cigarette and pulled out my cell. I decided it was time to give Kathy a call. It didn’t ring, instead I got an automated message letting me know the number was no longer in service.

“Fuck,” I murmured.

I tucked my phone away and headed up a couple blocks from this slum to my own palace. I had a little bit of time before Kathy’s backroom casino opened which I thought would be my next stop.

I entered my apartment and turned on the TV as the four o’clock news was just starting. I walked into the kitchen to make myself a drink. I figured it had been long enough since the last one. I was pouring some scotch into a glass when the news switched to the murder at the race track. I walked back into the living room and stood in front of the television as a blonde anchor woman with a fantastic rack spoke about the murder.

“Police say they have a suspect who was caught on a security camera,” a grainy image from the camera showed above the woman’s shoulder. “Authorities say the man is Alexi Carracci. He is a convicted felon and is considered to be armed and extremely dangerous. No motive has been released yet”

The mystery of Kathy was going to have to wait a bit longer I needed to get to Alexi before the police he was a key piece to the puzzle I was trying to solve. I finished my drink went in to and closet and put on a jacket with less bullet holes. I grabbed more ammo from under my couch along with a briefcase which housed my custom built SGW Multimatch AR-15 sniper rifle and some more cash before heading out.

The snow had stopped falling and the sun had begun its descent out of the sky as a full moon took its place to the east. Wind rushed in from the seaport across the street whipping the snow off of the ground and around my face. I hailed a cab and took it back uptown.

I stepped out of the cab in front of St. Francis Cathedral which had been abandoned for over a year since the deacon murdered one of his altar boys, and several other children were discovered in the basement awaiting shipment out of the city as part of a citywide human trafficking sting. Two towering gargoyles stared down at me and the rest of the city from high above the door. The secrets they could tell if they were more like those kick ass gargoyles from that 90’s cartoon.

The doors were boarded up and several do not trespass signs dotted the outside of the building. I needed to find a way in without being seen. I walked toward the grave yard that was behind the church and a set of back stairs. The door at the bottom was boarded up and police crime tape crisscrossed it. I peeled the tape off and tried to find a point along the edge of the board where I could wrap my fingers around it.

I pried off the board and placed it to the side and opened the door. I carefully propped up the board back in front of the entrance to make it seem like it was never removed. The basement was dark, and dust floated throughout the room. Long wood benches lined each side of the room with makeshift hand cuffs attached. It gave me the fucking creeps.

 I walked up the stairs into the main cathedral. A large crucified white man watched over the empty church as dust filled all of the pews, he looked sad as if upset he was unable to stop the atrocities that occurred while he just hung there as a spectator. I climbed the spiral stair case, stepping over a small dried patch of blood where the deacon was killed by a detective responding to a missing person report, and headed to the top of the bell tower.

The moon was shining bright above the city as I opened the brief case and put together my AR-15.  I laid down flat looking through the scope for the condo unit I was in earlier that day. I came across it and scanned the place.

 The woman was standing in the kitchen washing dishes, still dressed in nothing but her panties. I watched her for a few moments; her body was glistening with sweat. Her breast bounced and her ass shook with every movement. I was really hoping that I wouldn’t have to kill such a beautiful woman.


I finally stopped staring at the high class hooker like the creep that I was and scanned the rest of the condo. A man was standing in front of the bedroom mirror changing— it was Alexi. The bitch fucking lied to me. I fired a shot which put a hole through the window and ripped through Carracci’s bum leg. He fell to the ground. I stood up, packed my gun, walked down the stairs, and headed out of the cathedral to the condo building. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

An AMA of Madness

Last night something absolutely wonderful happened in the internet world: Tommy Wiseau did an AMA on Reddit. 

For those of you of you who do not know who Mr. Wiseau is (though I learned during his AMA that he does not like to be called Mr. Wiseau), he is the brilliant idiotic mind behind the cult film The Room.

Still unsure? I’ll help you out.

First a picture of the myth that is Tommy Wiseau:

Now, let me briefly talk about The Room which is regarded by many as the worst movie ever made.Though it is really bad it is at least a film I can enjoy in its horribleness, unlike the film I consider the worst ever made, Miss March. Tommy Wiseau wrote, produced, directed, and starred in The Room. All of which he did just wonderfully  horridly. His use of the camera and knowledge of making a movie were just so poor that it gives me confidence that if I were to make a movie it would be better than this. Go visit the official website http://www.theroommovie.com/, Wikipedia it, or find the movie online (or I can lend you my copy of the DVD)

To the man’s credit he had a dream and made that shit happen and that is the dream of every American. And as Tommy Wiseau so dumbly said he is “America.”

Now let us move on to the man himself. There is a lot of mystery behind this guy it is easier to find information about Big Foot than Tommy Wiseau. The most detail we have on him is from Greg Sestero’s (an actor from the film) book The Disaster Artist, which as we speak is being turned into a movie by James Franco. But even that gives us small details into where this guy came from. There are many theories of who he is, but two that I am partial to:
  1. He is a vampire (which he sort of addresses below)
  2. He is D.B. Cooper. Mr. Wiseau denied it but I don’t buy it at all look at this comic drawn by some random guy on the internet: 


This drawing sold me on the fact that he is D.B. Cooper, I mean it just has to be the explanation to everything It just has to be true right?
Fine, whatever, let me move on here.

I decided to try and pick some of my favorite answers from this AMA, but there was so many more I didn't pick and you can read through this thing in its entirety over on Reddit if you have that kind of time. The questions are in Bold and the answers are in standard text. If you are new to the world of Wiseau, you may be confused at some of the questions, but after you watch the movie it will all make sense. Enjoy.


Please note I did not alter any of the grammar or spelling in Tommy’s answer: the guy can’t spell or speak or really do much of anything.


What do you make of the mystery around your origins? Are you surprised?

Well, you know, we're all curious. We all live in America, and we are all curious bout people, who they are, where they come from. I'm very private person, I keep that way, that's my choice. I am America, I keep that way. Thank you for asking that.

Where does your accent originate from?

I speak two languages. I have no idea, to be honest with you. It is what it is.

Mr. Wiseau,
I am getting married in the near future and already have plans to throw a football around in an alley with my groomsmen. Any pointers on how to keep the game moving and to elicit the best awkward laughs from my groomsman for the videographer to pick up? Also, how can I best avoid injury?

Absolutely. I encourage you to do that number 1. And don't call me Mr. Wiseau, I hate that, but I wish you luck in new direction in my life, and play football before you to go bed, and play football before you drink, before you get tipsy. ABSOLUTELY - be the first one! Send me the clip! Absolutely! An invitation maybe! I wish you luck!

So Tommy, how is your sex life?

I enjoy it erryday!

How are you and Greg these days? Are you guys still good friends?

Well, we talk, but actually, probably, we just released a script, original script, available, THE ROOM, original one, because there was a lot of controversy, agin, I'm sorry for some of you guys in America we call "douchebags" - I've been filming the past 20 years, shame on you who are bashing THE ROOM as well as the actors in THE NEIGHBORS. It is new entertainment, and people reallyreally enjoy it. That's all I'm gonna say, moveonnextquestion

In The Room, it’s pretty clear that the character of Lisa was meant to symbolize temptation and the evil that jealousy between friends and lovers can create. Could you elaborate more on what Lisa’s actions in the film say about our society and the moral degradation of America as a whole?

GREAT Question! First of all, you can compare Lisa to Eleezabeth Taylor, to when she did CLEOPATRA. The ladies, they don't have to wear jeans, they can wear dresses to be very powerful. So Lisa's character is very powerful. She represents American society. So that's my answer. Move on, next one!

How did you make your millions Tommy?

Okay! That's good question! Well first of all - if you look at background, you work hard, you make money. It's no secret, okay? You work VERY hard, you make money. Well I work very hard, 24/7, several days a week, okay? And the specific how I make monies will be in book. THE DISASTER ARTIST by Tommy Wiseau, when I write it soon. Yes.


Tommy, what country were your born in?

I was born on Planet Earth. Moveonnextquestion. And I'm American, and proud of it.

Are you going to write an autobiography? (The neighbors is awesome)

Yes, I am, because as you probably kneow, DISASTER ARTIST is not 100% correct, and some people - again - are very disrespectful of my lief. How dare you to bash me, to say negative things about me and my life when you don't even know me? Shame on you. So yes, absolutely, you know. We in America, you know, we have very dedicate people, from New Orleans, and some of the function that people have are completely disrespectful. Shame on you if you blast my project. We are very dedicated to our art - shame on you, I would say, again! You know who you are! And also you can add, about script, how dare you say that was not the script on the production of THE ROOM. How are you have powers to criticize someone you don't even know? When you say it's not a camera, or we have only this one camera, or this one or that one? Shame on you.
Move on, next question.

Hey, Tommy. Is the character Denny from The Room based on anyone from real life? And what about Claudette?

Oh yeah, we have many Claudettes in the country, with cancer - again, one of the things I like it when people ask why we don't talk about it, yeah, is because someday we have a cure for it. Because it's a very private thing, you know? Many Claudettes in America relate to cancer. Many Dennys, many Johnnys, many Marks, because everything is coming from life, real life. THE ROOM is a red flag for society, for people to do better, to be better to each other basically. I've been doing this for 12 years, saying that.


Thanks a lot for doing this! I have a few questions for youuuu! Jusssst a lil something..
1) In The Room, why was Johnny’s first date with Lisa an interesting story?
2) When Johnny buys Lisa a dozen red roses from the flower store, why does he hold them upside down?
3) Why did you, as the director, re-use shots from both of Johnny’s sex scenes with Lisa?
4) WHY IS MARK SO BUSY?!?!?!

1.) Well, okay, let's... okay. It just WAS because she paid for DINNER, that's the interesting story. Next question.
2.) Oh, because that's a typical situation.
3.) First of all... we have variation in ROOM 1-4, it's not the same shot, at all.
4.) Why is Mark so busy? Why so busy!??! Because of business, like everybody else, hehehe!

Are you a vampire?

No. I'm just a human being like everybody else. But I belieeeve in certain, let's say... destiny. And vampires to a certain degree. So no, I am not a vampire. But I relate to it. Something like that

Hey Tommy, what advice do you have for a writer who is just starting and would like to get into the movie business?

That's good question. I would say, think about 20% FIRST before you get to 100%. If you think about 20%, you will get to 100%. With original material, if people say negatives about you, let it go, move onto something else

Hi Tommy, Are we laughing at you, or with you?.

We are laughing together. Don't listen to douchebags, for GOD'S SAKE! ENJOY-A LIFE!!!!! Relax together!

My question is: If you could give all of politicians of the world just one piece of advice, what would it be?

Eeef a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live. The advice I would give? Be nice to each other basically.

Why are you so fucking awesome?!!

Well, I love people, and I think people love me. I'm very dedicated you know? I like freedom, I like people who express themselves, and that's what America's all about. I want to create something so people can relate to it. That's why we create neighbors, we create future project. Filmmakers have responsible towards people, you know? So I'm trying to present everything as true as possible, as nice as possible, all negative stuff is as I said before, it's too bad that some people are very disrespectful but it is what it is.




 Thank you Tommy you not knowing much of anything made my week. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Dreaming of . . .

Dreams are really bizarre things that rarely make any sense. You can try to think about them and their “meaning”, but most of the time that gets you nowhere. A lot of folks never seem to remember their dreams, but I on the other hand since I constantly wake up throughout the night tend to remember most of my dreams. Some of them have turned into some of my fiction work, or are in the works to be started as short stories (one case maybe a novel), movies, and poems. I keep a notebook by my bed at all times (actually multiple with more in the drawer on my nightstand, but who’s counting) to jot these ideas down before they are lost forever.

While some of these dreams may be great for my fiction work others are just pointless and I have no idea what I can do or make with them. Well the following is an actual dream I had one night, it has stuck with me for a long time and since I like it I am writing about it. I mean after reading it you may wonder what the fuck is happening in my head sometimes, but take a ticket and get in line. I’ll keep you posted on my progress of figuring that one out; I may need to be taken in front of a panel of the world’s greatest psychiatrists to get to the bottom of it. Even then they might just send me on over to Shutter Island for some crazy experimental therapy and the inevitable lobotomy.

I’ll just have the lobotomy now, with a side of fries and a 6 piece spicy chicken nuggets. Thanks.

Barring the results of the lobotomy we will finally see what’s going on in my cranium. Thank god I’ll be a lifeless vegetable afterwards so I won’t ever find out the fucked up malarkey that is in there.

Ah, sorry, I ranted. I tend to do that. My mind likes to wander I’m trying to figure out how to stay on topic. Obviously with more of my bullshit being posted on this here blog and over on Reddit (which you can read and up vote just by clicking on this http://www.reddit.com/user/danperrucci/, wasn’t that easy?) I have been focusing a bit better, though at times I am still all over the map like a cartographer.

Fuck. I wandered again.

Now what did we come here for today? Ah yes, some dreams and shit. Let’s get to it then. The following is some weird fucking dream I had that I could turn into a coherent piece of fiction. Enjoy it, or don’t as long as you read it I don’t care about your feelings (though you’ll like it because it’s interesting, pop shrooms prior to enhance the experience*)


The Dream
I stood in the kitchen of my friend Alyssa’s house (side note she is one of the best writers I know, and is currently writing a lifestyle blog and if you are a female in your 20’s you can relate to her stuff and I suggest you wander over and read her stuff. She is also a fantastic creative writer much better than yours truly and sometimes she still posts some of that work. Just go read her fucking stuff) we were racking our brains on where we should go to eat. I’m sure it would end up being sushi. Her kitchen was a large room with stainless steel appliances and a granite top island that I leaned on.

Mind you this not what her kitchen looks like, not sure where it came from. Was it Ryan Gosling’s kitchen from Crazy Stupid Love? I have no idea; my brain makes people and places up. Anyway, I was leaning there trying to rack my brain over what to eat and apparently in dream world I’m as awful at making decisions as I am in real life.  I mean I go into Sublime (the bar I frequent and so should you) and I make the poor bartender surprise me with a beer.  I am really sorry Danielle: also, sup girl. But really, who can’t even decided what they want to drink? Hopefully they find out why I have a problem making decisions during the lobotomy.

Back to the dream.

 While we are in the midst of picking my roommate Stephanie came into the kitchen and started prepping dinner, her puppy Stryker stood by her side hoping for some scraps (he thinks all food is for him, he is like me in that respect). Fuck asking her why she was in Alyssa’s kitchen; we just ignored her because there was a knock on the door.

I walked over to the glass door to see who was there. I opened it up and who was it other than my good friends Corey Matthews, Topanga Lawrence, and that rebel Shawn Hunter. Eric had something else to do that night so he wasn’t there.

“What’s up guys?” I asked.

“We are headed to this sweet party, you guys want to come?” Corey replied with super excitement.
Alyssa agreed to head to the party and abandon sushi, which if you know Alyssa would not happen in the real world, but this is dream world and in My dream world and in my dream world I want to party with Boy Meets World.

                We piled into a red convertible and headed to the party: Topanga looked hot, I smiled at her..

                We arrived at a house near a dark patch of woods and walked in. The place was packed and we all went our separate ways and roamed to party. I headed over and grabbed a beer from one of those plastic tubs full of ice that people like to use instead of a cooler. It wasn’t a memorable beer, because I don’t remember what is was. Considering this was some shitty house party I’m sure it was something awful. I cracked it open and scanned the party trying to find Topanga. I spotted her across the way, so is started making my way over to her when the door was busted in and the police stormed in.; I tossed my beer and ran out the back door.

 Many problems with this one:
1.       I’m a grown man having a beer with other grown people, why am I running?
2.       I left my friends behind, which is something I would never do in the real world, but I do in dream world.
3.       Sorry guys, I wish I knew what happened to you. I bet your fine, better than I anyway.
4.       Why were the cops crashing the party? Was someone murdered or raped in one of the upstairs bedrooms?

All things we won’t get answers to; dreams suck that way; they never give you a complete story.

As I rushed through the back door and out into the dark woods I felt someone behind me. I ran faster, and faster, and then, just as in any horror movie, a tree stuck out its leg and I tripped to the ground (trees don’t have legs; it is a dope analogy for a root.).

                I rolled on to my back and the person who was chasing me approached slowly (why I couldn’t get up and keep running is another mystery). He came into my sight I saw his retarded looking face clearly; it was Sylvester Stallone dressed in his police outfit from that shittastic film Copland. For those of you have never see the movie, don’t it is bad, but here is an image of what I saw in my dream:

                He reached down to grabbed me, but he had no skin or muscles on his hands he hand skeleton hands.
                He grabbed me with his Italian Stallion skeleton hands . . .

                I woke up sweating (probably because it was summer) and confused as fuck as to what had just occurred in my head cinema.

The Aftermath
                So, I mean, that happened. I dreamt it, so go ahead Freud and look that up in your dream book and get back to me.

                I get why Alyssa, Steph, Stryker, and the  Boy Meets World cast were in my dream they are a part of my life (at the time I was watching a lot of Boy Meets World and Fresh Prince: judge me), but what the fuck was with Skeletor Sylvester Stallone? I avoid the movie Copland at all costs and I hadn’t watched any Stallone film in a long time, yet there he was creeping me the hell out in my dreams.  


                This dream has been with me for a little over a year and I still have yet to figure out what the hell was going on, so if you have insight please let me know, because I am dying to hear what you think.







*I have never done shrooms, so I am only assuming it will enhance you experience.