Ventilation

Before reading this just know its not funny, its not full of deepness, its just me rambling. I'm sorry, I just needed to get t down and out. I promise I will have bro code part two done soon and my high-school years. Also I'm being pressured into signing up for te indie ink challenge so when I do sign up for that, ill be writing more. Oh and sorry about he format I wrote it on my phone and really really really don't feel like going to the computer to fix it.

I have something my chest and I need to move t like a tumor. Most of you who know me know that almost a year ago me and my girlfriend of nearly four years broke up. For those that didn't know that, well now you do. It has not been easy on me. You don't go from sleeping next to someone you truly love every night to getting dumped and be alright with it. It's just not how shit works. I never did anything to warrant a break up, in fact I was a great boyfriend, I was always willing to put st needs above everything, she came first. I am not romantic, far from it but I would do small things to make her happy. I thought that's what we were: happy. We were, we both thought we found our soul mates. But something happened, I'm not see how or why but she started talking to one of her friends friends and thought she kinda liked him, she told me this hoping it would spark some huge change in me, but it didn't, it just hurt, and besides what did I have to change, I was, as I said, the best boyfriend and friend to her. A few days later we took a walk in the pouring rain and she dumped me. Fuck man, me, dumped, I have no clue how, I'm the fucking man.

So a few months went by, we tried to be friends and everything was ok, but she soon wanted to get in a relationship with me, try and fix things. And I couldn't do it. I loved her still at thus point, I really still did but I was hurt once and I would not let myself to be hurt again. It played in my head when ever I was near her, I was still hurting. So I said I couldn't now but maybe sometime down the line. I really thought it was possible to be with her again, I was still in love with her, I was just too hurt at the time to try again.

Well we kept trying to be friends, it was fine but we started to fight a lot, about everything. Mind you we never fought while together, and if we did they lasted like ten minutes and we were hunky dory again. This constant fighting and constant pressure I felt under by her caused me to drift away further and further. I no longer loved her as anything but a friend. That is wild to me, we can go from being deeply in love, hoping to get married in the future to not feeling  ounce. I was afraid to say that to her, so I dragged her feeling along, and that is worse than what she did to me. I hurt her, I hate myself for hurting her. Maybe if I told her the truth when I felt I could no longer see us together the hurt I caused her would be less. If she reads this, I just want to say I'm sorry for the pain I've caused, I hope we can both find what we need in this life.

I cannot take back what I did to her, she can not take back what she did to me. We were soul mates with a future in each others arms and now we are just two souls looking for the arms of a new mate. Life is funny like that, you think you have everything figured out then you get thrown a Tim Wakefield knuckleball and you have no idea what to do with it. In life your not going to always get the pitch you want, but you have to learn how to hit whatever is thrown at you.

Long story short, we have stopped talking, who knows if we will ever speak again, she removed me from Facebook friends so she must be serious about not talking to me Hahahaha. Even with all the pain, I would not take back my time with her it was the best years of my life. She helped me through one of the darkest times of my life, and she helped me become the person I am without her who knows where I would be. She is a good person and will find someone who cares about her they way I did, and she will find happiness again. I will do the same.

One last thing to say, I want to thank all of my friends and family who have helped me through this shit. Most importantly the following people- Lauren, you have been there for me when I needed someone the most and you listened to the same bullshit over and over, thank you, you do not know how much your friendship has ment to me. Christina, you also helped me a lot, you are a good friend and I'm glad your part of my life. Mike, well mike your my best friend. And last but not least my sister Nicole, thank you. You were the first family member I told and your reaction was "do I have to beat her up?", I love you sister and I couldn't ask for a better one.