Tuesday, November 26, 2013

A Kiss

A kiss in a dream
is just that: 
a dream.
My heart and mind think the same,
but my mouth won't speak the words.

So the kiss stays locked in the night
never becoming the reality 
I desperately need;

that I want.

Feelings trapped in my heart
only allowed out while I sleep.

Kevin

Kevin’s foot splashes into a puddle as he thrashes through the living room.

“Fuck, even dead you still annoy the shit out of me. That is going to take forever to get out of my rug.”

He stares down at his recently deceased wife and grows angry. Her fat torso is slashed and covered in blood.

“Maybe if you lost some god damn weight you would still be alive. Why couldn't you stay thin like when I met you? I just couldn't look at you anymore; you’re disgusting.”

He walks over toward the mantle and grabs his wedding photo and stares at it, smiling. The photo shows a young man of less than mediocre looks: black hair, medium height, a tad bit stocky, a nose that was a bit to pointy too be cute, and an eye that roamed to the left. Kevin thought of himself as a looker and a prize. He looks over at the pile of lifeless blubber lying on his brand new white Persian carpet. It wasn't really Persian, it was actually from K-Mart, but any time he had company at the small one bedroom bungalow he made sure to point it out and tell them it was Persian. He grew angry again.

“I bet you wouldn't have bled so much if you lost some weight. This is going to take forever to clean.”

He turned his attention to the photo of better times. To the left of him in the black and white picture was a heavy set woman, breasts spilling out of her wedding dress that was two sizes too small, but it was all the couple could afford. It came from a thrift store downtown, it was white, had fake jewels around the neck line, and had the same sleeves as Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Her one cheek hung slightly lower than the other giving her face the illusion of being lopsided. Her eyes were dark, and anything but attractive, her calves and ankles met simultaneously directly after the knee cap ended. Her stomach stuck out further then it should have, but when a life is growing inside that extra stomach is a beautiful thing.

That was twelve and a half years ago: if Kevin’s memory serves him correctly. He could be wrong, sometimes time just slips by at large chunks and he can’t remember things; maybe it was only six years. Drinking helps ease the annoyance of that.

“I need a drink. God you are disgusting.”

He catches a glimpse of his ex-wife out of his roaming eye, while his other eye is focused on a bottle of high end liquor. It wasn't really high end, it was Montezuma Tequila poured into a Patrón bottle, but he pretended and any time some asked he said it was.

He walks over to the counter the bottle is on, places the bloody knife down, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet and pours himself some of the impostor Patrón. He chugs it down quickly and takes a deep sigh.

“Well, hun, it’s time to go out. And you said I never took you anywhere.”

He walked over to the bloody mass, her dark eyes grew darker, her normally warm rolls now provided no heat, and her abnormally slow, loud heart beat was silent. She no longer struggled to breath. Her legs were slashed and mutilated: after all she never ran in her life and he didn't want her to start now. 

She never loved him, she found him ugly, but a night of bad judgment and no better options she slept with him. He was obsessed with her; she laid there while he worked that night, wondering if he even had penetrated, and if he was having a seizure or having sex: it ended in less than two minutes, she was relieved, so was he. 

He penetrated. She was pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion, not at her age, when she was younger she had one; the experience was anything but pleasant, so she vowed that if she ever found a bun in her oven again she would keep it there. So she did. He wanted to marry her, her parents urged her to do so. They would be damned if there was a baby born in their family out of wedlock, so with continued pressure they were married. A small ceremony that took place on the hottest day of an already scorching August, she stood sweating in a dress that didn't fit, wondering how much it would cost to fix that lazy eye of his: He really was ugly.

“You used to be beautiful. Now you are fat, ugly and I can’t stand to look at your lopsided face. When did it get so damn awkward? You used to be beautiful.”  

Kevin knelt over and tried to move the body; he tried with all his might to pick her up to no avail. He was never the strongest man; in fact he didn't have many of the traits that women look for in a mate. If it wasn't for booze his only experience with females would have been from magazines and pornographic films. He never had anyone before that night. He would try, but his sense of humor was nonexistent, his clothing style was that of a color blind baboon, and then there was that damn eye of his that would wonder around the bar. Before he was married he would put on his long coat and walk down to JMD video and casually walk into the back room and rent several VHS tapes. He really liked ones where the women were more voluptuous. 

“Damn, this is more work then I had anticipated. I need a drink. Sit tight.”

Kevin once again crosses his faux Persian rug into his kitchen grabbing the bottle of “Patrón” pouring another large glass, opening his freezer door pulling out the plastic ice cube tray out of the barren freezer, and placing the last two cubes into his drink. He drinks only half of the glass this time, placing it back on his green counter. He notices blood on his jeans.

“I just washed these, you really still annoy me. I just fucking washed these.”

He stands looking down at the blood.

“My rug, my pants; Jesus, why are you such a slob?”

He leaves the kitchen and walks down a short hallway where blood splattered on the wallpaper and laminate flooring, which leads right to the corpse in the puddle on the K-mart rug. That is what really annoyed Kevin. Wallpaper can be taken down, the floors can be mopped, he owns another pair of Old Navy jeans, but that rug: that was his prized possession. He walked into the bedroom at the end of the hall; it was pitch-black. The lamp got destroyed in the struggle; a woman that size was bound to knock something over. He hated that lamp, she bought it; it’s the only thing she didn't take. He walks over to the other side of the room, opening a drawer and pulling out another pair of jeans. He takes off the bloody pair of pants and tosses it onto the floor in the darkest corner of the room: she took the hamper too. A car’s headlights shine into his bedroom; he can see himself in the mirror, standing in his torn tighty-whitey, he thinks he isn't that bad looking, but while staring into the mirror he doesn't see his eye dancing along to its own beat.  

He slips into the faded jeans, and takes a seat on the sheetless mattress lying on the floor, she has the oak bed frame crammed in her one bedroom apartment downtown. Reaching down taking off his blood soaked socks, and tossing them into the darkness. He slips on a new pair of unmatched dress socks and glides into his ragged grey New Balance sneakers. He stands and stretches his arms high above his head; one of them touches the low ceiling, the other falls two inches to short. She hated that. His arms, they were so fucking ugly. He puts his hands down and leaves the room following the blood trail to his wife.

“If you weren't so fat this would be done. It’s your fault you know; all of it.”

He looks at the body and really can’t figure out how to get it out the back door and buried in the hole he had dug the earlier in the night. He planned this, but didn't realize it would be this hard. “Mob members can kill and get rid of bodies, why can’t I? It should be easy.” He pondered while sweating over a ditch dug into his far from pristine lawn. She took the lawn mower. She took it to an apartment, just so he couldn't have, that really made him mad. That may have been the tipping point, but he really couldn't remember what brought him to this.

“I need a drink.”

He once again takes the trip to the kitchen and finishes the beverage he left on the counter. He pours another; another; one more for good measure.

“Fuck it.”

Kevin finishes the bottle. He walks back into the living room; the blood stopped flowing out of her body, but it is starting to congeal. He sits on his green couch, and leans back as far as he can stretching his legs out, he turns on the lamp on the end table picking up another photo. It’s him and a young boy, their son Jason, a much better looking version of the couple. He lucked out, he wasn't as ugly as his father and wasn't as bulky as his mother. He was attractive, it didn't help him though, he still didn't have many friends, and there split wasn't easy on him.  He starts to think about where Jason is, “is he here? Did she take him?”

“That’s right he is over at St. Michael’s, I think. That’s your fault too you fat fucking whore.”

He stands and slams the photo down onto his ex-wife; it bounces off shattering on the blood soaked floor. His son’s innocent face stares up at him; Kevin bends over and picks up the photo, and puts it into his jeans pocket. Kevin has never been right since she left. He has never been the same since his son left.  His drunken mind allows him to shed a few tears. He grabs his car keys, and walks out the house, leaving Mary behind to decompose on his “Persian” rug. He opens the door of his Oldsmobile and slides into the tattered leather interior, puts the key in the ignition and starts the car. 

He drives in silence for twenty minutes, or was it longer, he couldn't tell. He pulls up to a dimly lit sign for St. Michael’s. He parks the car and walks through the gate, over to where Jason is. It is a simple tombstone, just his name and the years he lived: 1999-2013. It was a small ceremony, Jason didn't have many friends. Kevin blames the woman lying on his floor for this, it was her gun. He blames her for everything. Why did she have to take the lawn mower?

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Running

As each night passes I notice it more and more­­­– the vast emptiness I now have inside; the weight on my soul. The further I run from what happened the darker my soul becomes. I see the barn every time I blink; I see his eyes staring through me every time I glance into the mirror. I can’t sleep. Not that I physically can’t sleep, but when I do I see the barn, I know if keep them shut my sleeping brain will take me inside. The only way to free my mind is to stop running. I know they will find out what has happened. I know they will be here. I know my soul will suffer long after the flesh decays, but it’s my only chance.

                Exhaustion sets in, it’s bound to happen while running, I can only keep my eyes open for so long, I’m unable to stop them from shutting— the thoughts just pour in. I can’t stop the images playing in the cinema of my sub-concise. A theater where the same horror film plays nightly and the same scene plays over and over using my shut eyelids as the screen. The film playing shows my souls fate: my own personal hell.

                It’s not like it is in books or how it appears in Hollywood– there is no fire, there is no brimstone. There is no other damned souls’. There is no red overlord. It is just me: it’s just that night. My hell is locked in the barn that I’m running from. My hands covered in blood: tears rolling down my cheeks, yellow hay stained red. I try to leave and run, but the barn doors are locked. Every time I try to break them open the scene starts again.

                My hands covered in blood, my victim lying in the hay with a look of shock and confusion frozen on his face. His heart is no longer beating, but I can still hear it echoing off the brown walls of the barn. I try to cover my ears to block the sound, but it penetrates my ear canal and beats on my drum growing louder and louder until I can no longer take it, I stand to turn and run from the corpse, like I did in reality, but in this hell I can’t move. My left leg becomes frozen to the cold dirt floor. Rain pounds the roof above me as lighting strikes and thunder roars. I collapse. I can feel the open eyes of the man I killed staring at me. I turn around to face what I have just done; the corpse is no longer there, the storm outside stops. I am alone: the film is on pause, giving my mind a brief moment to feel relived. I close my eyes while taking a deep breath.

This is usually when I wake up, profusely sweating, my heart pounding out of my chest. This is how each of the past four nights have gone. When I sleep I am in hell, when I am awake I am worried about sleeping and dreaming about that hell. There is no escape for me. I can keep running or I could end this now. The gun is within arm reach, I put it in the drawer in the nightstand next to this ragged bed.

The lamp flickers, I turn my head, now even more aware of the gun. I inch along the floral patterned comforter where a countless number of people have slept, probably never thinking twice of how ugly it is. I stop and think about how many other men may have fled to this motel for solace, maybe not running from something as dark what I am trying to escape, but running from something; anything, the lamp flickers again snapping me out of the thought and back to my situation.

In the pale yellow light I notice the drawer isn't shut all the way; I slide my hand into it without opening it further. I touch a book; I pause and pull it out. Now in my hands is The Holy Bible, I flip through the pages, stop and read the verse under my right thumb; But if the wicked man turns away from all the sins he committed, if he keeps all my statues and does what is right and just, he shall surely live, he shall not die. None of the crimes he committed shall be remembered against him; he shall live because of the virtue he has practiced.

I toss the seldom read, but often touched hotel bible onto the floor, the black leather sitting there, mocking me as if it were the face of God himself. Would I be forgiven for such a crime if I don’t go through with my dark thoughts? Would I be able to find enough virtue for God to give me a pass and allow Saint Peter to allow me to cross the mythical gates of heaven? Is there even such a place? What happens to the truly wicked?

I stop philosophizing about the world after and the gun once again becomes real.

I killed a man.

I’m a murderer.

Blood crusted on my left pant leg, screams still echoing in my ears.  If there is a God; if there is an afterlife; if there is a heaven and hell I am fucked.

I lift the gun against my temple the cold blue steel feels like relief; I can taste my soul beginning to leave through my mouth, I open it wider hoping that it will help my soul reach its destination faster— which I hope is nothing like my nightmare. Tears roll down my cheek as I think my final thoughts; as I think of the worthless life I led.

I hear the sirens in the distance growing louder with each passing second. The escape is in my hand, a twitch of my finger sends my soul to its destination.

 I can stop running.