Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part Eight

Welcome back folks! It has been a couple of months since I brought you a new 'Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So" and since it is December I decided to share some of my holiday favorites. I chose to go with full length feature films which is why you won't see a couple of my absolute favorites such as How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original cartoon, not that Jim Carrey abomination that can burn in hell where it belongs), A Charlie Brown Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, or any of those sweet ass claymation made for TV movies.

It was tough to narrow it down, so I'm sure next year you will see such holiday awesomeness as I'll be Home for Christmas starring the dreamy JTT and Jessica Biel, Hulk Hogans awful Santa With Muscles, or some other movie that is actually awful, but puts me in the spirit of the holidays.

So sit back decorate whatever it is you decorate and enjoy.

A Christmas Story (1983)- Bob Clark; MGM, Christmas Tree Films

It wouldn't be Christmas without watching  A Christmas Story, though it has been played to death with all day showings of it, I still like to find time at least once a year to sit down and enjoy this film. I think at this point everyone and their great grandfather has seen this movie, so I don't need to go into much detail, but if you are one of those weirdos who has lived under a rock all these years go watch the movie: just try not to shoot your eye out.

Die Hard (1988)- John McTiernan; 20th Century Fox, Gordon Company, Silver Pictures

It wouldn't be Christmas without John McClane (Bruce Willis) kicking some terrorist ass at the Najatomi Plaza. This it the first and best of the Die Hard films. John just wants to go and see his wife and family for Christmas, but noooo he can't just simply do that because Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) and his German terrorist group have taken everyone at John's wife's company Christmas party hostage. Instead of sipping eggnog and catching up with his wife and kids Mr. McClane has to kill people and save lives.

And don't start with that 'Die Hard isn't a Christmas movie' bullshit. If it wasn't a Christmas movie would John have written this nice holiday message on the sweater of a dead terrorist?

No, I didn't think so.

Scrooged (1988)- Richard Donner; Paramount Pictures, Mirage Productions

Whenever Bill Murray does anything it becomes comedic gold because the man is a genius, so when he tackles Dickens 'A Christmas Carol' the end result is brilliance. Murray plays a TV executive who is a complete scrooge he has everyone working on Christmas Eve to produce a live version of 'A Christmas Carol'. During the night he is visited by the three Ghosts of Christmas just like Ebeneezer Scrooge in the book, but will he too have a change of heart? That is for you to watch the movie and find out. Trust me you will not be disappointed, unless you are not a fan of Bill Murray. If that is the case go to a doctor because you may be dead.

Christmas Vacation (1989)- Jeremiah Chechik; Warner Bros. Hughes Entertainment

One of the most dysfunctional families in motion picture history gathers together to celebrate Christmas. The Griswolds return to us as Clark plans on having the best Christmas ever and as with the vacation he wanted to have to Wally World a few years prior nothing goes right.

It all starts going wrong when Cousin Eddie arrives with his RV and it just goes down the storm drain like the shit from Eddie's RV from there. Everything that goes wrong goes wrong, but hey at leaset Clark has his Christmas bonus to look forward to, and the nice pool he plans on building with it, right?

Home Alone (1990)- Chris Columbus; Hughes Entertainment, 20th Century Fox

A movie that makes parents feel like they aren't that bad. Kevin, played by Macaulay Culkin, gets left behind as his family frantically tries to leave for the airport. First the poor kid doesn't get any plain pizza and then he gets left alone, what else could go wrong? He could also be in a home being stalked by hardened professional criminals, but fortunately for him he gets Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern). The 'Wet Bandits' a term Marv has given the duo because he always leaves the kitchen sink running after robbing a house, because that seems like something that anyone would do. They think that Kevin would be an easy target, but oh boy they are wrong!

While all that is going on Kevin's mom hitches a ride from a polka band headed by John Candy to try and make it back home to save her son, because now for some reason she cares. She didn't care to notice he wasn't with them when they left, but now she cares. John Candy is hilarious and one of my favorite characters in the film after Pesci and Stern.

Home Alone 2 (1992)- Chris Columbus; Hughes Entertainment, 20th Century Fox

How shitty can these parents be? It was just two years ago that you left him alone to fend for himself and now you lose him at an airport and he winds up in the concrete jungle of New York City. How were all your children not taken away? Are you fucking kidding me? I get it Kevin is an annoying child you fucked up when you had him. You should have stopped when you had Buzz because if that kid isn't a sign that you shouldn't have been parents I don't know what would be: oh yeah forgetting your kids.

With that rant behind us I can maybe talk about the movie. It contains much of the same hijinks as the first one as Kevin tries and survive New York City while making fools of Harry and Marv now going by the 'Sticky Bandits', in Marv's mind anyway. While they are similar in the tomfoolery Home Alone 2 is the rare sequel that is better than the first. It could be because the setting allows for more to happen or it could be because of Tim Curry. I'm going to go with a nice combination of both.


Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

The Santa Clause (1994)- John Pasquin

Usually when someone dies by falling off your roof  their family would take your ass to court for everything that you are worth, and in this case Scott Calvin, played by Tim Allen, a suave businessman who chose working over his family so their would be a lot of money at stake. That isn't the case in the universe of The Santa Clause. In this world you take over that mans job of breaking into peoples homes and leaving gifts for little boys and girls.

Tim Allen has to learn not only how to become Santa Claus, but also how to stop disappointing his lame wad son. Not only have his ex-wife all mad because their son thinks he is Santa but he also has the guy plowing her, Judge Rienhold, trying to psychoanalyze him and keep Scott from his son. I mean it would be one thing to keep the kid away if Scott was out trying to board planes with 650 grams of cocaine or driving around drunk, but the man is just trying to start a new career out as Santa Claus: just let his lame son believe in him for Christ's sake

Jingle All the Way (1996); Brian Levant; 1492 Pictures, 20th Century Fox

When you think of Christmas the first thing I'm sure that pops into your head is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, me too.

Basically the plot revolves around Arnold who is a very busy business man and always disappoints his son by missing life events because he is too busy at the office. I don't blame him, if my son was that obnoxious I would stay later at work as well. Sorry Jamie dad has to work hard so you can live it that big house, go to those karate classes, to get that lame bowl haircut, and to have cable TV to watch your dumb Turbo Man show. In order for his stupid kid to love him he must go out on Christmas Eve and try and find a Turbo Man doll. Picture going out Christmas Eve in 1996 looking for a Tickle Me Elmo, that's pretty much what happens here.

Jingle All the Way is so fantastically awesome not only because of all the lines that I quote throughout the holiday season, but also because it co-stars the legendary Phil Hartman. The main co-star is Sinbad and sure he has memorable lines throughout the movie, but when Phil Hartman is in something he tends to overtake other actors.

Bad Santa (2003)- Terry Zwigoff; Columbia Pictures, Dimension Films, Triptych Pictures

This is one of the only two movies on this list I can watch at any time of the year (along with Die Hard) because it is not just about Christmas it is down right hysterical. Billie Bob Thornton is the perfect person to play the role of a conman posing as a mall Santa to pull off a heist. He is such a believable asshole alcoholic conman one would think he is really one. Mix in Bernie Mac and John Ritter in his last live action role and you get a holiday movie that keeps you laughing from beginning to end.

So before I move on to the next film I just have to ask:

Get Santa (2014)- Christopher Smith; Film i Vast, Scott Free Productions

I had nine movies and I had to make a choice: I could put on another movie everyone has seen or put an obscure one, so I went the obscure route. Get Santa comes to us from across the pond starring Jim Broadbent as the jolly saint with slight pedophile tendencies. I know him as Boss Tweed from Gangs of New York, the rest of you may know him as Professor Horace Slughorn from the Harry Potter series. Regardless of where you know him from he plays a fantastic Santa Claus.

Basically the plot of the movie is that Santa crashes his sleigh then goes on the run from the police, but before he gets caught and tossed into jail he hides out in someones shed. A young boy goes into the shed. . . yeah I thought the same thing at first, but no nothing perverted happened; on camera at least. Anyway Santa knows this boy and his father (clearly because he is Santa, and when the father was young he met Santa) and they are the only ones that can save him, so they go through a lot to try and prove the man who was arrested is really Santa Claus. Meanwhile the Father, played by Rafe Spall, was recently released from prison and uses this as a time to bond with his son again. He also uses his connections inside the prison to try to make Santa tough and the ability to survive in jail.

Overall it is a funny movie and a nice Christmas tale of a father trying to do what is right and fix his life. A lot of the humor is dry as most British humor is, so if you don't like British comedies this may not be for you, but give it a chance anyway because it will get you into the Christmas spirit.



Have a Merry Christmas or happy whatever Holiday you celebrate, regardless of your faith, if any, just go drink (unless that's against your religious beliefs then go and toke a bit or something) because being a human is stressful and everyone could use a drink.