For All the Single Ladies. . . The Club is Jumpin' Jumpin'

I've been single for a long time now and I am reminded of it on a near daily basis. My friends will point it out by saying I should pursue this woman or that woman, (only once it being said about someone I actually had any desire to date and I should probably actively see if that could go anywhere. I'm sure it won't, but that is neither here nor there) or there will be jokes about my balls drying out and disintegrating into nothingness, which if I'm not mistaken would defy all laws of physiology, but don't quote me on that one: I'm not a doctor I only pretend to be one.

Point is this gets as obnoxious as watching back to back to back Pauly Shore movies. This is due mainly to the fact that they have been in stable relationships for a long time, which makes me the habitual extra wheel. I'm just a spare tire sitting in a trunk waiting to be put to some use on an nice American automobile. And how do some of my friends think I should get myself pulled out and hooked on to a nice axle? 

Online dating. 

I have no desire to do such anything, but I have had one say they will secretly make me a profile, set me up on dates, then tell me to meet them somewhere and then when I arrive, kablamo, I'm on a date! My reply to this is always the same: "go fuck yourself". They haven't done this yet so I'm banking on the fact that they are too damn lazy to actually go through that much trouble over my nonexistent love life. I can't knock online dating because I know a number of people whom have met someone on there; I just don't think that's for me. This is basically due to the fact that it seems like way too much trouble to cycle through all the morons, ugmos, fatties, shitheads, creepers, and skanks to locate anyone worth my time. 

But if I did find it worth my very, very, very, valuable time what would my profile look like? The goal of a dating profile is to make you seem super awesome, super duper attractive, and seem like just a plain old hootenanny. In reality I'm only one of those things (I'll allow the reader to choose which one). 

This brings me, finally, to the point of this blog post; this is what my dating profile would look like (ladies email me your numbers, and not all at once we don't want to crash Google's servers). 

 

Sup ladies,

My name is Dan: I'm 26, single and looking to mingle. I am pretty sure that is how you start these things out. It seems like a great and not cheesy at all, not in the slightest, way to draw you into the words that are typed onto this internet website doohickey.

Now after that brilliant opening I just have one question for you potential lady friends: "Would you f*** me? I'd to f*** me. I'd f*** me hard. I'd f*** me so hard."

And if you don’t get that reference, move on because you clearly are not one for me. Click over to some other profile and on your way over there make sure to go to hell, don't pass Go, and definitely  DO NOT COLLECT YOUR $200

I'm sure you see my sexy picture and want to get to know that homeless looking bearded dream boat just a tad bit more, and that's what I'll do for you! 

To date me you would have many perks, outside of the sexual of course (boom, wink face bam!!!) I cook, and my opinion pretty damn well, that is if you like Italian food, and I usually cook with pants on! I also am a tad bit anal when it comes to cleaning which is an activity I do without the aforementioned pants. Though I do both these things it would be wonderful if you cooked and cleaned as well; doing so without a shirt would be even better, but certainly is not a requirement. Messes piss me off so if you make a mess I am liable to freak out, well maybe not freak out, but I may go on a cleaning rampage. 

So, if you are sitting there, reading this, and you are surrounded by clutter please move on to some other turd on this site, because I would want to hit you with a rolled up magazine if we dated.

Now I'm a pretty damn wild person, so I need someone who can keep up with my super wildness. I love to sit at home watching sports and movies. I'm a huge movie person so if you love to hear movie quotes all day I'm your guy. 50% of my conversation is just random quotes and with certain friends that percentage increases exponentially. And I say this not joking in the slightest; I'll quote movies that range from Citizen Kane on to Mean Girls. Oh and Tommy Wiseau's classic abortion "The Room" can and will get quoted daily, so you would have to waste 99 minutes of your life watching this "film", and trust me you cannot un-watch this movie.

Oh, it is also very important to know that I wear pink ONLY on Wednesdays and I swear to god if you wear sweatpants on a fucking Monday you cannot, and will not, sit with me.  
(If that reference went over your head you had better go and reevaluate your life, because you ain't worthy.)

Sometimes I like to mix it up and quote some SpongeBob. 

Yes, I am 26 and watch SpongeBob. . . 

Daily.

Why don't you leave your stupid comments in your pocket?

There are times in the day when I will break out in random song, usually from SpongeBob, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or just some good solid 90's tunes like Joan Osborne, because, seriously, what if God WAS one of us? Just a slob like the people who stopped reading this a few paragraphs ago? Just some stranger on a bus trying to make his way home?

I also would like to make it extremely clear that I am indeed the Dayman, fighter of the Nightman, champion of the sun! You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! 

When I'm not watching movies, cartoons, or singing the songs that I like I'm usually reading or writing. I like to think of myself as a rather intelligent creature (though I think of myself as all around awesome, you call it narcissistic I call it being Dan Perrucci). So, please, for the love of god, if you are stupid keep moving because there is nothing in this world I can stand less than stupid people. Stupid is the one thing I hate the most in humans, other than the fact that they are people, I hate that too: I prefer cats.

As you may have gathered by my unkempt profile picture and by reading this far on this profile I also hate doing social things with other human beings. Especially ones in places where the service blows more than a ceiling fan and where the music is louder than a fat woman screaming because she found a slice a cake in a fat roll. These places make me want to rip all the other patrons’ collar bones out. That is not something I want to do, I'm getting to old do those things and go to jail. I do, however, enjoy a nice get-together at my house where I can relax in basketball shorts and wear my worn out ripped slippers. I like this because I can control who shows up and I rarely have to engage in false pleasantries with new people. Though I must say I am brutally honest I rarely try to fake being nice, except at work where I am a master and faking kindness,

And before I wrap this up I just want you to know that I make some of the most inappropriate jokes of all time and I love to make fun of people, so if you can't handle that go fuck yourself you god damn square. 

So if you like eating, reading, movies, SpongeBob, sports, inappropriate jokes and an nice healthy antisocial living give me a call and let's meet.

And please no fatties. I'm a thin guy and don't want to die by getting crushed to death because you picked a Big Mac over a salad.