Monday, February 3, 2014

Cold Winter Night

His feet stamp through the fresh white snow
giving me an easy path to stalk and follow.

The Chicago streets are empty: except for he and I.

Gas lamp after gas lamp fades as I slowly creep bye.

I know he is there;
he doesn’t know I’m here.

Catching him from behind, with a brick, I land a solid blow
and stand smiling, gleefully watch his final breath flow.

Red oozes warming and painting the powder covered street.

Solo Journey

My soul has become dark
since you walked away
dousing out our remaining spark.

I became unable to find my way,
my clouded heart struggled to beat
while wandering the world for a new flame.

Yet, reaming all alone on the moon lit street.
There is only one person to shoulder the blame;
me, myself, and I alone take the burden.

Searching within myself for a new birth,
yet I remain the same: just one of many men
searching the cold earth
lost looking for a soul mate,
but ending up having to masturbate.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

'Till Death Do Us Part

A soft cry echoes from the bedroom upstairs.
The ancient chair creaks as Vic rises to his feet, “God damn, can’t a man watch a game in peace?”  His voice aches from exhaustion. His forest green Russell sweatshirt stained around the armpits from the sweat protruding through  his seventy-two year old glands; the orange glow from the droppings of Doritos dot his navy blue sweatpants. His knees crack as he takes his first step, his slippers scuffing along the hard wood floor.
Another cry of pain reverberates down the stairwell just as Vic’s right foot touches the first step. The beige carpet that lines the stairs had been worn down over the fifty-four years Vic and his wife have lived in the home. His freckled callused hand reaches to the banister, which was once painted a radiant white, but from the years of Vic’s rough hands, had been worn down to a wood pipe specked with pealing skin. Vic slowly made his way up the stairs. The crying continued and as he got closer to the top he could make the words out more clearly.
“Vic,” the voice said painfully, “please jus’ end this, I can’t.” the female’s voice was softened by the years of her pain. “Please.” She began to sob lightly.
Vic rubs his thumb and pointer finger along the bridge of his nose. He knows what she wanted from him.
As he reaches the top of the stairs, Vic stares into the dusty Victorian mirror. His brown eyes were sunken into his wrinkled face; his long grey hair splotched amongst the liver spots that dotted his scalp, his nose hair peeping out of his left nostril. It didn’t bother him. He breaks away from the reflection and walks down the faded red rug to the bedroom at the end of the hall.
He slowly opens the door.
“Vic?” the woman whispers. She lies on her back in the bed. Her golden hair was all but fallen out, her eyes blood shot from crying, her skin nearly blue, and her face covered in defeat. Vic walks over to the bed and seats himself right next to the woman. He grabs her hand and holds it in his.
“You’re freezing.” Vic pulls the comforter over the frail skeleton lying next to him. “You know I love you, dear. I can’t stand to see you like this.” He brushes a strand of her reaming hair out of her fading blue eye. He kisses her on her icy forehead and lies next to her gently wrapping his arms around her fragile frame.
Her weak voice speaks, cracking with the torture of the disease, “I jus’ can’t do it Vic; I jus’ can’t anymore.”
Tears once again begin to puddle along the deep bags seated under her eyes. Vic sits ups and wipes them away with his left hand as a tear of his own wells up in the corner of his eye and rolls down the cracks of his once smooth face.   
            “I wouldn’t know what to do without you Rebecca,” he wipes the tear off his cheek, “You are my life.”
            Rebecca doesn’t say anything just sobs gently. Turning her head directly toward her husband, she notices the anguish in his face, whereas he can see the considerably worse pain in hers.
            “Just try and get some sleep.” He kisses her on her dry lips, and lies back down with her humming gently. They lie in silence for several moments before Rebecca finally drifts into a deep sleep. Vic sits up and stares at his dying wife. He kisses her bony cheek once more and makes his way to the door. As he shuts off the light, he turns toward the bed and whispers, “I love you, til death do us part, my love.”
            He walks back down to the living room collapsing his exhausted body down into the olive recliner, the clock on the game was winding down and his beloved New Jersey Devils are winning 3-0 and on their way to hoisting the Stanley Cup once again, but Vic could not get back into the game, as an eerie feeling convulsing throughout his soul.
As the buzzer sounds he watches his team celebrate before shutting off the television. Nerved by the feeling trembling through him, he walks back to his bedroom.
He enters the room, slips off his slippers, and climbs into the bed, putting his arms around his lifeless wife. Welled up tears stream down his cheeks moistening his dry skin. Her pain has finally ended; now he can sleep.
He closes his eyes succumbing to a final sleep in hopes he will be reuniting with his wife once again.

             

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Trapped Words

I think of things to say and to do,
but once it’s time to make things happen
they don’t;
I say nothing of importance:
I don’t do anything.

I think about your lips touching mine,
your body in my arms,
my hands on your ass,
but I don’t do a thing.

I want to tell you that we should
make us
into US,
tell you that you are more important
than I let on,
and to speak words that will make
you melt in my arms,
but I say nothing of the sort.

Maybe I’m nervous.
Maybe I don’t want to lose a friend.
Maybe I’m scared to hear the word “no”.
Maybe it’s a lot of things,

but I know it won’t happen because
regardless of the thoughts in my head
and the feelings in my heart
my lips will never let the words escape.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

Christmas has always been a special time for my family a time when we get to slow down from our hectic lives and spend time together.

 I still remember waking up at the crack of dawn, walking out of my room to see what Santa had left. I would search for my stuff and give the boxes a shake to see if I can figure out what the contents were. I would then rush to my stocking hung on the wall by the front door and take out all of the goodies one by one; a piece of chocolate, a deck of cards, a hot wheel or two, a word search book which I would lose before completing, and a toothbrush: a standard item in each stocking every year.

I would wait for hours until it was an appropriate time to wake up our parents then we would choose a person who would do the actual waking. My parents would wake up (probably exhausted from waiting for our eyes to get to heavy to stay awake for Santa to finish the wrapping) and wish us each a merry Christmas, my dad would begin making his coffee while mom prepared the cinnamon buns. Once the smell of cinnamon and coffee blended with the beautiful scent of the fresh pine tree it was time for the gifts.

We would all find our way to a spot; my dad would bring a chair from the dining room and place it by the tree. With coffee in hand and his Santa hat topping off his outfit of shorts and a guinea-tee he was ready to hand out gifts. One by one we would each receive one, some were from Santa and some were from mom and dad. They were each opened with excitement.
Even in years where money was tight, and that was a good number of years. My mom and dad filled under the tree, I like to think it was the one time of year that they could sit and watch their kids smile. It brought us all together. It never mattered how many presents were under the tree the most important part is the six of us spent it together.

Even as we got older and Santa was no longer real not much changed. Yeah, we didn't wake up early anymore, we didn't have to wake up mom and dad, we cursed more and made more obscene jokes that probably wouldn't happen on Christmas morning in any other house, but we still had presents under the tree from old Saint Nick and the beautiful smells that made the morning special still filled the house.

I wouldn't change these moments for anything, I want to hear my dad say in his best Santa Claus voice "to Danny from Santa", and even when my dad is no longer here the Christmas traditions him and my mother have instilled will carry on to my children. They will be 26 and still on Santa’s nice list.

I'm not a religious person, not in the slightest, so Christmas isn't about Christ, not in the slightest, Christmas is more than that to me: It is a day where family can sit together and enjoy each other’s company, smile, joke, and bring joy to each other’s lives. It's not about the amount of presents or the food; it's about enjoying every second you are with the people you love the most. Now that my siblings and I are all out on our own, and my brother is starting a family of his own, things may change a bit, but I know that we will always be spending Christmas together; maybe not physically, but in each other’s hearts.

 So, to Mom, Dad, Nicole, Chris, Andrew, the rest of my family and friends; I love you and have merry Christmas.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

A Kiss

A kiss in a dream
is just that: 
a dream.
My heart and mind think the same,
but my mouth won't speak the words.

So the kiss stays locked in the night
never becoming the reality 
I desperately need;

that I want.

Feelings trapped in my heart
only allowed out while I sleep.

Kevin

Kevin’s foot splashes into a puddle as he thrashes through the living room.

“Fuck, even dead you still annoy the shit out of me. That is going to take forever to get out of my rug.”

He stares down at his recently deceased wife and grows angry. Her fat torso is slashed and covered in blood.

“Maybe if you lost some god damn weight you would still be alive. Why couldn't you stay thin like when I met you? I just couldn't look at you anymore; you’re disgusting.”

He walks over toward the mantle and grabs his wedding photo and stares at it, smiling. The photo shows a young man of less than mediocre looks: black hair, medium height, a tad bit stocky, a nose that was a bit to pointy too be cute, and an eye that roamed to the left. Kevin thought of himself as a looker and a prize. He looks over at the pile of lifeless blubber lying on his brand new white Persian carpet. It wasn't really Persian, it was actually from K-Mart, but any time he had company at the small one bedroom bungalow he made sure to point it out and tell them it was Persian. He grew angry again.

“I bet you wouldn't have bled so much if you lost some weight. This is going to take forever to clean.”

He turned his attention to the photo of better times. To the left of him in the black and white picture was a heavy set woman, breasts spilling out of her wedding dress that was two sizes too small, but it was all the couple could afford. It came from a thrift store downtown, it was white, had fake jewels around the neck line, and had the same sleeves as Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Her one cheek hung slightly lower than the other giving her face the illusion of being lopsided. Her eyes were dark, and anything but attractive, her calves and ankles met simultaneously directly after the knee cap ended. Her stomach stuck out further then it should have, but when a life is growing inside that extra stomach is a beautiful thing.

That was twelve and a half years ago: if Kevin’s memory serves him correctly. He could be wrong, sometimes time just slips by at large chunks and he can’t remember things; maybe it was only six years. Drinking helps ease the annoyance of that.

“I need a drink. God you are disgusting.”

He catches a glimpse of his ex-wife out of his roaming eye, while his other eye is focused on a bottle of high end liquor. It wasn't really high end, it was Montezuma Tequila poured into a Patrón bottle, but he pretended and any time some asked he said it was.

He walks over to the counter the bottle is on, places the bloody knife down, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet and pours himself some of the impostor Patrón. He chugs it down quickly and takes a deep sigh.

“Well, hun, it’s time to go out. And you said I never took you anywhere.”

He walked over to the bloody mass, her dark eyes grew darker, her normally warm rolls now provided no heat, and her abnormally slow, loud heart beat was silent. She no longer struggled to breath. Her legs were slashed and mutilated: after all she never ran in her life and he didn't want her to start now. 

She never loved him, she found him ugly, but a night of bad judgment and no better options she slept with him. He was obsessed with her; she laid there while he worked that night, wondering if he even had penetrated, and if he was having a seizure or having sex: it ended in less than two minutes, she was relieved, so was he. 

He penetrated. She was pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion, not at her age, when she was younger she had one; the experience was anything but pleasant, so she vowed that if she ever found a bun in her oven again she would keep it there. So she did. He wanted to marry her, her parents urged her to do so. They would be damned if there was a baby born in their family out of wedlock, so with continued pressure they were married. A small ceremony that took place on the hottest day of an already scorching August, she stood sweating in a dress that didn't fit, wondering how much it would cost to fix that lazy eye of his: He really was ugly.

“You used to be beautiful. Now you are fat, ugly and I can’t stand to look at your lopsided face. When did it get so damn awkward? You used to be beautiful.”  

Kevin knelt over and tried to move the body; he tried with all his might to pick her up to no avail. He was never the strongest man; in fact he didn't have many of the traits that women look for in a mate. If it wasn't for booze his only experience with females would have been from magazines and pornographic films. He never had anyone before that night. He would try, but his sense of humor was nonexistent, his clothing style was that of a color blind baboon, and then there was that damn eye of his that would wonder around the bar. Before he was married he would put on his long coat and walk down to JMD video and casually walk into the back room and rent several VHS tapes. He really liked ones where the women were more voluptuous. 

“Damn, this is more work then I had anticipated. I need a drink. Sit tight.”

Kevin once again crosses his faux Persian rug into his kitchen grabbing the bottle of “Patrón” pouring another large glass, opening his freezer door pulling out the plastic ice cube tray out of the barren freezer, and placing the last two cubes into his drink. He drinks only half of the glass this time, placing it back on his green counter. He notices blood on his jeans.

“I just washed these, you really still annoy me. I just fucking washed these.”

He stands looking down at the blood.

“My rug, my pants; Jesus, why are you such a slob?”

He leaves the kitchen and walks down a short hallway where blood splattered on the wallpaper and laminate flooring, which leads right to the corpse in the puddle on the K-mart rug. That is what really annoyed Kevin. Wallpaper can be taken down, the floors can be mopped, he owns another pair of Old Navy jeans, but that rug: that was his prized possession. He walked into the bedroom at the end of the hall; it was pitch-black. The lamp got destroyed in the struggle; a woman that size was bound to knock something over. He hated that lamp, she bought it; it’s the only thing she didn't take. He walks over to the other side of the room, opening a drawer and pulling out another pair of jeans. He takes off the bloody pair of pants and tosses it onto the floor in the darkest corner of the room: she took the hamper too. A car’s headlights shine into his bedroom; he can see himself in the mirror, standing in his torn tighty-whitey, he thinks he isn't that bad looking, but while staring into the mirror he doesn't see his eye dancing along to its own beat.  

He slips into the faded jeans, and takes a seat on the sheetless mattress lying on the floor, she has the oak bed frame crammed in her one bedroom apartment downtown. Reaching down taking off his blood soaked socks, and tossing them into the darkness. He slips on a new pair of unmatched dress socks and glides into his ragged grey New Balance sneakers. He stands and stretches his arms high above his head; one of them touches the low ceiling, the other falls two inches to short. She hated that. His arms, they were so fucking ugly. He puts his hands down and leaves the room following the blood trail to his wife.

“If you weren't so fat this would be done. It’s your fault you know; all of it.”

He looks at the body and really can’t figure out how to get it out the back door and buried in the hole he had dug the earlier in the night. He planned this, but didn't realize it would be this hard. “Mob members can kill and get rid of bodies, why can’t I? It should be easy.” He pondered while sweating over a ditch dug into his far from pristine lawn. She took the lawn mower. She took it to an apartment, just so he couldn't have, that really made him mad. That may have been the tipping point, but he really couldn't remember what brought him to this.

“I need a drink.”

He once again takes the trip to the kitchen and finishes the beverage he left on the counter. He pours another; another; one more for good measure.

“Fuck it.”

Kevin finishes the bottle. He walks back into the living room; the blood stopped flowing out of her body, but it is starting to congeal. He sits on his green couch, and leans back as far as he can stretching his legs out, he turns on the lamp on the end table picking up another photo. It’s him and a young boy, their son Jason, a much better looking version of the couple. He lucked out, he wasn't as ugly as his father and wasn't as bulky as his mother. He was attractive, it didn't help him though, he still didn't have many friends, and there split wasn't easy on him.  He starts to think about where Jason is, “is he here? Did she take him?”

“That’s right he is over at St. Michael’s, I think. That’s your fault too you fat fucking whore.”

He stands and slams the photo down onto his ex-wife; it bounces off shattering on the blood soaked floor. His son’s innocent face stares up at him; Kevin bends over and picks up the photo, and puts it into his jeans pocket. Kevin has never been right since she left. He has never been the same since his son left.  His drunken mind allows him to shed a few tears. He grabs his car keys, and walks out the house, leaving Mary behind to decompose on his “Persian” rug. He opens the door of his Oldsmobile and slides into the tattered leather interior, puts the key in the ignition and starts the car. 

He drives in silence for twenty minutes, or was it longer, he couldn't tell. He pulls up to a dimly lit sign for St. Michael’s. He parks the car and walks through the gate, over to where Jason is. It is a simple tombstone, just his name and the years he lived: 1999-2013. It was a small ceremony, Jason didn't have many friends. Kevin blames the woman lying on his floor for this, it was her gun. He blames her for everything. Why did she have to take the lawn mower?