Monday, January 26, 2015

Confessional

Father,

It has been years since my last confession.

Lord forgive me, for I’m a sinner
What are your sins?

I have killed many men,

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
I was trying to support my family, but what did I lose in exchange?
My place in heaven?

My pores are soaked with blood;
blood of my lords lambs.
My soul is black with their ghosts.

I have killed,
And will kill again.
All In the name of the American Dream.

You are forgiven
In the lords eyes
Father Mulroney?
Yes my child?
Forgive me for what will be done.
We shall meet again;
in the Kingdom of God.
Click
Blam!

In the name of the father,
son,

and the holy spirit.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Title TBA


“For this one my employer will pay you twenty thousand; ten now and the other ten thousand once the job is completed.”

            The little man stared at me waiting for my response. I didn’t know his name and I didn’t know who he worked for, so in turn I had no idea who I worked for. I just knew he paid cash and kept me employed. Because of that he knew I was going to say yes; I knew I was going to yes. I just liked to make him wait and watch the beads of sweat form on his tan forehead. He took off his black rimmed glasses, pulling a cloth from his suit jacket pocket. He always wore a suit; always designer. This day was a subtle navy Armani suit, with a baby blue Armani shirt, and a classy navy and baby blue checkered tie. On his feet is a pair of Ferrini Alligator skin shoes. Placed gently on the empty seat next to him is Canali Wool top coat. He stared at me as I took another drag of my cigarette. It’s a filthy habit, I know, but it could always be worse. In fact I have a few habits that are worse. The little man fidgeted slightly as the waitress brought over the bill. He checked the time on his platinum Rolex watch.

            “Ok.” I finally responded.

Relief washed over his face. I knew he hated these meetings. He was dressed in some of the best clothes money could buy and he had to be seen in public with a shithead like myself. I was wearing blue jeans, and a wrinkled long sleeve tee shirt that once had something fun and witty written on it, but it was so worn I couldn’t even remember what it said. You would think for a usual starting rate of ten grand a job I’d get better threads, but I’m comfortable and in my job that’s pretty important. To me it is anyway, I’ve met others in my line of work who wear cheaper versions of what the little man is wearing, just to put on airs, but fuck that. I dress how I want and let my work speak for its self. 

            The little man placed a crisp $100 bill onto the table, leaving the chunky waitress nearly a $90 tip. He stood up, put on his jacket, and left the restaurant. I watched as he climbed into a limo that waited for him across the street. He hated coming to the Southside of Salem Bay and he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I turned back to the table. I finished my coffee then pulled my wallet out of my pocket; I placed the crisp hundred into it, and replaced it with a pile of crumpled singles reducing the chunky waitress’ tip to about five bucks. Still a tip over twenty percent, and she wouldn’t know how much more she had coming to her. I stood up and picked up the black brief case the little man left next to the table. I left the restaurant and headed down the block to my apartment.

            The building I lived in was a hotel that was turned into an apartment complex back in the 1960s, and I think that was the last time it was updated. The paint on the door was all but peeled off, the bricks were sprayed with nonsensical graffiti from the local street gangs I guess marking this building as “their territory”. The windows that lead into the lobby were boarded up due to the super’s reluctance to fix them on account that they would be shattered in a week’s time anyway. Inside the lobby was potted plant that had been long neglected, a wooden bench covered with a year worth of dust. Faded yellow tiles were under my feet, with a large faded blood stain from the tenet that was gunned down while trying to get their mail. The steel mailboxes sat on the left wall, most of the doors were removed from the crack heads riffling through them last Christmas trying to find something they could sell for a quick high. The doors that remained were rattled with rust and bullet holes.

            As I stepped up the stairs to my second floor apartment they creaked and swayed. I knew they were going to collapse one day and I just held hope that I wouldn’t be the son of a bitch climbing them when they did. My door was the first one to the left; I faced it to put my key in when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

            “How goes it Collins,” the voice said. I turned to see my neighbor jack standing smiling with his yellow teeth, sweat beading on his bald head. “Still headed to the track later?”

            “Yep, I’ll meet you in a bit.”

            “Sounds good pal.”

            He walked down the hall and stepped into his apartment. Jack Redding was a typical case of what the scum of this city could do to a person. Only a few years ago he was a top detective, but a case of a serial killer who preyed on woman hit a little close to home for him and he headed on a downward spiral. He drinks too much, gambles too often, and enjoys the services of prostitutes weekly. We have these things in common.  He used to be someone. The cop that caught the worst serial killer in city history now he sat in his room drinking his pension away.

            I entered my apartment. It was in line with the rest of the apartments in the building it was small one bedroom apartment with a window that overlooked the historic seaport. The walls were painted with an ugly green color that was peeling, I’m sure it was lead based paint. I walked into the living room, which also doubled as a dining room; the kitchen was tucked into the corner of the room.  With a maroon refrigerator, an out of date stove, and grey counter tops. I placed the briefcase onto my coffee table and sat onto my torn sofa.

            I opened the case. A small stack of $20 bills were rubber banded together. I took them out and counted them: all ten grand was there. I placed the money onto the table and pulled out the manila folder and closed the brief case. I removed the first thing from the folder; it was a man’s mug shot. His black hair was slicked back, his brown eyes were set too far apart, one seemed to be lazy and focused elsewhere. He smiled with a perfect set of teeth and held a sign with his name and prisoner id number. I studied the face until I memorized every wrinkle and blemish. I placed it down and picked up a piece of paper. The paper described the man in the photo: Alexi Carracci. It gave me his height, approximate weight, and hair color. It described all of his stupid tattoos like the Italian flags imprinted on the back of his hands and the map of Italy on his chest. It told me that he walked with a limp after a toss down a flight of stairs. It described how he liked to dress himself; a leather jacket and slicked back hair like a character out of the Outsiders. The document gave me his address. Most importantly it told me that Mr. Carracci was a “made man” of the Devoni Crime Family.

            I had to kill a “made man” and I had to make it look accidental.

            I placed the paper down, pulled a cigarette out of my pocket, and lit it. I realized then why I was getting paid double my usual rate. If caught I’d be killed. If my job was sloppy and fingers were pointed toward my employer I’d be killed. If Alexi saw me before I took care of him I’d be killed. The risk was high.

            I picked back up the job description, studied and memorized it and placed it back into the folder along with Alexi’s mug shot. I walked into the kitchen. I placed the folder into a metal wastebasket and burned it.

            I met Jack and headed down the street to catch the bus to the track.

            We sat down on the run down city bus as it started to the Gibson Horse Track. The Saturday 4pm number 6 bus was full of degenerates headed to blow their week’s pay on a pony carrying a midget around a muddy oval track.

In the front of the bus a pudgy black woman was arguing with an obese white crack head over whose hair looked better. If the grammar police showed up they would both be sentenced to death for butchering the English language. In the back bench row sat four men all wearing similar colors, green rags tied around the wrists, green Boston Celtics hats turned to the side, blue jeans, and white shoes donned with green laces. This was the gang that apparently owned my apartment complex: Little boys with daddy issues.

            The rest of the bus was dotted with people black, white, Hispanic, and I’m pretty sure I saw the Southside’s own Native American, all headed to the track.

            “How’s business?”

            Jack always asks this question. He doesn’t have a clue what I do. When I asked I just say “I’m in business for myself” which in our neck of the city means some type of crooked thing. Jack being retired was no longer concerned with cleaning up the scum unless his P.I. business required it.

            “Good,” I replied still looking around the bus.

            “That’s good to hear pal.”

            “You?”

            “It’s not bad,” he paused and pulled a SBPD flask from his tattered overcoat, “I had a client last week.” He took a swig from the flask, “Some broad who wanted to find her birth mother.”

            “Yeah?”

            He took another drink and held the flask toward me to ask if I wanted some. What kind of degenerate would I be if I turned down a drink? I grabbed the flask and took a sip. The whiskey warmed my throat as it ventured to my stomach. I passed it back to Jack and tucked it back into his coat.

            “Yeah it was pretty simple. I tracked down some hospital records and matched them with the adoption papers. I gave her the mothers address and I cashed a nice check for my services.” Jack pulled out the racing sheet from his jacket pocket, “And now it’s all going down on Full Moon Heat in the fifth race.”

            “Yeah?”

            “He has been running fast, I think this will be his day.” Jack smiled and kept looking at the race sheet.

            The rest of the bus ride was silent; except for the two fat women who moved onto fighting over whose cleavage looked nicer. I wanted to step up and tell them they were both extremely unattractive and neither had nice tits, but I refrained.

            The parking lot was packed for what would be the last major race day of the year. The crisp fall wind swirled around my head when I stepped off the bus. The sun was blocked out by clouds that darted across the sky. We followed the poorer crowd into the general admission area while to the left of us the wealthy people dressed in their finest race day clothes entered a private door keeping them away from the scum. They were ushered through a hidden walkway to their luxury boxes and field level seats.

            Jack headed over to the ticket window to place his earnings on the 20-1 odd horse running in the fifth race, Full Moon Heat, and place a hundred of my hard earned dollars on a horse named Carl Winslow. I didn’t know what the payout was I just liked the name.  I’m not a good gambler, just a degenerate one. I headed to the bar.

            I slid in near the bar. It had been afternoon for all of five minutes, but the bar was bustling already.  The bar tender, a short bald man, met my eyes from the other end of the bar. Recognizing me he went right ahead and prepped my drinks.  He placed two plastic cups down in front of me each filled with three ice cubes floating in a caramel colored scotch. I handed him my money, picked up my scotch and scanned the crowd waiting for Jack.

            As the announcement for the start of the first race blared over the track’s loud speakers the crowd slowly vanished leaving the bald bartender, Jack, and myself. I sat down on the olive green bar stool. I pulled a cigarette out and lit it. This was the last inside bar where a man could enjoy a drink and a smoke at the same time. All because of “second hand smoke”, some bullshit that created an un-American separation of booze and tobacco; two things that help keep this country running.

            Jack sat down next to me, and pulled out a fat cigar from his pocket.

            “Today is my day. I’m feeling lucky.” Jack lit the stogie, “I slept for what feels like the first time since the case.”

            The case was nearly three years ago. I took a long drag from my cigarette and the bartender brought over an old ashtray.

            “And I finally heard from my daughter.” Jack smiled and lit his cigar. It was the first time, to my knowledge, that his daughter had contacted him since her mother was murdered by the same killer Jack spent a year chasing. His daughter blamed him for not catching him before him. For not realizing the killer was right next to him.

            “That’s good,” I responded as I watched the finish of the race on the grainy television that was situated behind the bar.

As the race ended a stampede of feet streamed to the bar and discussed their loses. Who they should have bet on and who they had in the next race. Again the speakers echoed the call for the next race. The crowd once again dispersed leaving behind crumpled up betting slips, and a few more people: the ones who knew when to call it a day with the losing and start the boozing.

 This repeated itself a few more times until the start of the fifth race was broadcast and it was our time to watch our money race around the muddy oval. We made our way to a couple of open seats in the stands.

            The gun banged starting the race and right from the jump Carl Winslow lost. He was slow; it looked like he had some sort of mental retardation. I’m sure he was a fine horse, but that day it looked like he had been sniffing glue for hours. I tore my betting slip up and tossed it into the air: sad confetti celebrating another gambling loss. I looked over at Jack. He was screaming, his face bright red. I looked back to the race where Full Moon Heat was well ahead of the competition. It looked as though it was Jack’s day after all.

            We headed up with the crowd: me in defeat, Jack with the glow of victory.

Jack rushed to the ticket line; I stood next to him as he recapped the race. Maybe he forgot I was there watching it as well. He even poked fun at my pick, poor Carl Winslow; who, I found out later, suffered a brain aneurism at the start of the race which caused his awkward start and, while we were all watching the race, the horse collapsed crushing the little jockey to death. 

            I turned to scan the crowd as I tended to do, when I spotted a man rushing with a slight limp toward us. He was pushing his way past the crowd one eye focused on us myself and the other at the roof. His slicked back black hair gleamed in the sunlight.  His hand slowly lifted revealing a red, white, and green tattoo on its back; he reached slowly into his leather jacket and removed a Colt .45.

            Alexi Carracci.

            I reached into my pocket and pulled out my small .38 snub nose. Alexi fired at me. He missed. The crowd scrambled at the sound of the gun shot and rushed toward the exits. I couldn’t get a clean look at Alexi, I wasn’t about to kill some shithead who happened to be in the wrong place. As police entered the hallway Alexi hid himself in the crowd and followed them out.

            I tucked the snub nose back into my pocket and tried to find Jack. I turned back toward the ticket line and saw him lying on the floor as a pool of blood formed underneath his head. His eyes were wide open; the winning race slip was still grasped in his hand.  The police officers raced over to him calling for the EMTs. It was too late.


Tune in some time next month for Part II and maybe a title!! Any title Ideas let me know, though it would be hard for you to suggest something without any idea of where the story is going. . . so, yeah. . . cool.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part One

I had a conversation the other day regarding movies and was asked, what would seem to be a simple question, "What is your favorite movie?"

With that I stumbled.

For starters I'm the most indecisive person of all time.  I'm extremely incapable of making a decision and I love a lot of movies, so the combination isn't a good one. So, for me to pick a favorite would be like congress agreeing on something.

I  think my final response was something like "uhhhhhhh, I mean, uhhhhhh, I don't really have one."

A look of confusion over came my friend. She had her favorite movie, everyone at the table had their favorite movie. And there I sat, perplexed about how someone could just pick one movie. I love the art of cinema, the art of acting,  and being a writer I adore flawless script writing: hoping one day to be able to do the same. Nothing makes a good movie great like the perfect fitting musical score, or the right lighting for the mood of a scene. Or the right actor for a role, or the proper director to lead the film.

Maybe it is these things that caused another good friend of mine to call me a "movie snob" (she also called me a music snob, maybe she is just jelly? You jelly AF? I know you is!). I'm not a snob. Just because I hate the movie Step Brothers and everything that Will Farrell does. The guy isn't even funny in the slightest I just wish I could go to his house and punch him in the face. He even almost ruined Wedding Crashers with his horrible cameo. Thankfully the rest of the cast and film was funny enough to save it.

Sorry, tangent over.

Not having an answer for my friend at dinner she then asked "what movie, if it is on, would you stop to watch every time."

To this I didn't really have an answer because, once again, there was so many. So, I did what any other human being incapable of decision making would do. I just started naming movies until the table got tired of hearing me list names and we moved on from the conversation, or they made fun of me. I don't know which it was. I'm sure it was some sort of combination of the two things.

Which brings me, finally, to the topic of today's blog. "Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part One."

Maybe I should shorten the title? We will see what I put in the title bar before I post this. Anyway here we go, the first ten in which may or may not being a monthly post. It depends how I feel. These are in order of year of release and not in order of my favorite or top ten or nonsense like that, because as you know that would not be possible for me.


(1931)- Fritz Lang; Nero-Film AG

This is, in my mind, is Fritz Lang's masterpiece. Peter Lorre plays a child murderer in modern Berlin being hunted by both police and the criminal underworld. Lorre's performance is still one of my favorite performances by an actor in motion picture history. The lighting used in this film, credit to cinematographer Fritz Arno Wagner, set the mood perfectly in each scene and was far more advanced than any american films of the time. All around a brilliant film.

Casablanca (1941)- Michael Curtiz; Warner Brothers


Humphery Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Claude Rains, and the always creepy Peter Lorre: what else would you need? I don't even think I have to say anything else, but I will. The film depicts a love triangle in French Morocco, which though unoccupied was part of  the Nazi puppet French government. Bogart must decide his future, and the fate of most are in his hands.

The Third Man (1949)- Carol Reed; Carol Reed's Production, London Film Productions
The greatest Film-Noir I have ever seen. 

Cinematographer Robert Krasker (who won an Academy Award for his work) sets the mood as Carol Reed shows us a man (Joseph Cotten) arriving in Vienna following WWII on an invite from his friend (Orson Welles), who he finds was killed in an accident shortly before his arrival. He investigates his "third man" theory. Writing to much will give away the film and I'm not about to do that. Just go watch it. Also, if any of you find the non blu-ray DVD for sale please let me know, it is out of print and virtually impossible to find. Other wise I will have to go buy a blu-ray player just for this film it is that good.

Diabolique (1955)- Henri-Georges Clouzot; Filmsonor
A spectacular suspense film about a woman and her husband's mistress plotting and executing the mans murder with enough twists and turns that would have made Hitchcock jealous. The lovely Vera Clouzot (husband of Director Henri-Georges) puts in an award worthy performance as the timid, scared wife with a weak heart (something parallel to her real life). A film for all who love a good twist, superb acting, or who appreciate the art of lighting.

The Seventh Seal (1957)- Ingmar Bergman; Svensk Filmindustri
The third Foreign Language and fourth non-american film so far (The Third Man coming to us from the UK). European directors had more freedoms artistically then in Hollywood whose directors were limited by the brilliant (sarcastic) Motion Picture Code.
Coming from Sweden, Bergman's The Seventh Seal a knight during the black plague searches for answers regarding human existence as he plays Death in a game of chess to buy himself more time to find the answers he seeks. A plot that his been copied in TV and movies since the films release. Powered by Max von Sydow as the knight and Bengt Ekerot as the chilling and iconic Grim Reaper this film will keep you thinking and watching as it moves along as it tries to delve into our existence.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)- Stanley Kubrick; Columbia Pictures, Hawk Films
The first and only comedy on today's edition (there will be plenty of comedies on forthcoming editions). Led by the always zany Peter Sellers this film takes a satirical look at the cold war and the threat of nuclear war. A general (Sterling Hayden) perceives a false threat from the USSR and sets planes carrying nuclear bombs to attack soviet targets while politicians as well as high ranking military men try to stop it from escalating. With a supporting cast coming from a lot of fantastic actors, most memorably from George C. Scott, this film will keep you laughing from beginning to end while looking at the absurdity of those who are in charge of the worlds fate. There may not be fighting in the war room, but there are laughs aplenty. 

The Godfather (1972)- Francis Ford Coppola; Paramount, Alfran Productions
I don't think The Godfather needs any words written about it because it is a film that most people have already seen, or are aware of. Brando's Oscar winning performance along with Al Pacino, James Caan, and Robert Duvall (whom were all nominated for best supporting actor, losing to Joel Grey in Cabaret) navigating their way through the Mario Puzo and Coppola's Academy Award Winning screenplay (based off of Puzo's acclaimed novel). A story about family, loyalty, and respect set to the background of the Italian-American mafia. 

Taxi Driver (1976)- Martin Scorsese; Columbia Pictures, Bill/Phillips, Italo/Judeo Productions 
Robert DeNiro plays Travis Bickle, a Vietnam vet trying to return to normalcy in New York City. He suffers from insomnia and gets work as a late night cabby. These are the hours when the city is showing its worse. Bickle takes it upon himself to do something about the scum ridden city. DeNiro brings the brilliant script of Paul Schader to life, guided by the genius of Scorsese's camera and the fantastic supporting cast comprised of  Cybill Shepard, Peter Boyle, Albert Brooks, Harvey Keitel, and a young Jodie Foster. Scorsese does a wonderful job, but the script is so powerful and the acting superb that he could have just turned on and pointed the camera in the right direction and let the story unfold.

Road To Perdition (2002)- Sam Mendes; Dreamworks
Tom Hanks and Paul Newman, in his final on screen role, fuel this beautifully directed film by Mendes. Hanks plays Michael Sullivan a hit-man for an Irish-American mafia that is headed by John Rooney (Newman). When Michael Sullivan's son witnesses his father and the younger Rooney (Daniel Craig) killing a man a chain reaction begins as Sullivan and his son must flee and make their way to Perdition, while avoiding a hit-man (Jude Law) sent after them. The film is well done and provides one of my favorite scenes of all time, telling you which one will give away some of the film so I will refrain. After you watch it then we can discuss it. Though I will tell you that the Thomas Newman's musical score is beyond brilliant and makes the film that much better.

There Will Be Blood (2007); Paul Thomas Anderson; Paramount Vantage, Miramax, Ghoulardi Film Company
Paul Thomas Anderson took the first few pages from Upton Sinclair's novel Oil! and ran with them taking creative freedom to bring us this modern day classic. Oil! (though I'm not quite done reading it just yet) is more focused on the political and socioeconomically side of the oil boom that occurred in California during the early 1900's and the class warfare that was being waged, whereas Anderson's screenplay is focused on a story of a man, his son, and their relationship. Which makes for better cinema than the original source material. Daniel Day-Lewis gives the best performance of his career (obviously in my humble opinion) as Daniel Plainview a wealthy independent oil man, who battles with the big oil conglomerates along with a vengeful Evangelical Eli Sunday (played fantastically by Paul Dano) all the while trying to do right for himself and his son. Anderson delivers a cinematic masterpiece in every sense of the word and it should have won the Academy Award for Best Picture, but it was beat out by No Country for Old Men. Though No Country is a great film it is no where near the level of There Will Be Blood.




















*All production credits came from IMDB.com





Thursday, January 8, 2015

Throwback Thursday- Avoiding Dysentery

I was going to write the most inspirational blog post ever written I was going to change all of your lives forever. I was going to talk to you about major strides in my life and guide you into doing the same. This was going to be as big as the Camp David Accords. Bigger than the fall of the USSR. More important than the polio vaccine.

THIS WAS GOING TO BE BIG!

Then this happened. . .
I found The Oregon Trail. You remember the times in elementary school where you didn't work, but instead you stared at the screen and tried to make it to Oregon City without dying of dysentery: it was a grueling trip, yes it may have had some sort of educational value, but we knew it as the greatest time of the school year. 
I found it in the midst of changing the world and said fuck it and distracted myself into an adventure.
Since My roommates were floating around and I was showing them my great discovery I let them join me in the trip on The Oregon Trail. So, I, the leader, Jess, Shaun, Steph, and our trusty servant, Jeffery- a former prince from England whom we kidnapped back east, started our journey.
It was going well I hunted, to keep out bellies full to keep illness away while we rushed the trail at Grueling pace. I shot deer, bison, bear, rabbits, and whatever the hell the tiny fast brown thing was. A squirrel? I was a true wagon leader. We were all in good health. When Jess broke her leg we took a few days to rest. We were well on our way westward where I had a cushy job lined up running a general store. Shaun was going to head out and mine for gold. While Steph and Jess were all set for the best job a woman could have: working in a brothel. 

We had a slight accident when the fire Jess made to make some of her people's knishes got out of hand and tore through the wagon. Luckily no one was hurt: Jeffery the Englishman suffered several burns which made his fair British skin swell up and puss for most of the rest of the trip. He kept saying something about infections, but we didn't know we weren't doctors. 

But then it got bad. First, some no good Indian came out and stole my oxen. I knew it was an Indian because I saw him. I didn't stop him because he sent his Wife or daughter or Native American whore to distract me. It worked I've always been partial to a woman with color.
After the night where we lost an ox, I did what any man would do in that situation: I went out and killed a fucking bear or some other living creature. It made me feel superior. Then we were back on the road again.


 We cruised until it got worse:
Not being the carpenter from Ohio I wasn't able to fix the wagon tongue. And considering this wasn't the first time this happened I was out of extras. We were stuck until someone wanted to trade a tongue for some food. With the wagon tongue repaired we were on our way again.

Then we got to The Dalles, which is so close to the finish. At this part of the trail I had to navigate a raft which my wagon was on through a river full of rocks. Let's just say I was distracted by real life hit a rock and. . . well. . . I was in the wagon all alone.


Which is fine, I was going to kill them and eat their corpses anyway. Don't judge. Food is scarce out on the Oregon Trail and you must do what you have to do to survive.

Then. . . . BAM another rock and I drown like the rest of my wagon party.


Thus ended this adventure. I will keep on playing because I am a child of the 90s and this is one of my fondest memories. Try your own adventure and don't get the killer shits and become another victim of The Oregon Trail.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Looking Toward The New Year

2014 is quickly coming to a close. I feel like the year as flew by (except for the forty hours a week spent at work; the time there dragged). It was pretty much a duplicate of my 2013: same pointless job, same lack of dedication to my writing, pants, same relationship status, same debt, same doubts, same everything. I did get a sweet new ride, but other than that 2014 was 13's twin. There was one major difference is my wonderful nephew was with us for a full calendar year. He is fantastic and I love him dearly. He's an adorable bundle of joy and I'm blessed and honored to be the his Godfather.

Christopher David Perrucci Jr. is the cutest child of all time. Watching him grow over this past year was one of the only highlights of my year. He grew from a cone headed baby to a running, curious one year old. And I'm glad I've been there through it all. I'm excited to watch him continue to grow next year as well.


I tried to open myself up and I met a woman who I thought complimented me well, and it seemed like something that may have worked, but then BAM nothingness. 

So goes it: all my friends are in relationships, some of the getting married, yet I’m sitting here thinking how awesome my sheets smell and wish it was economical to wash them every day. 

Not that I’m dying to meet someone. I’m ok alone: it’s cheaper that way. Love is way too difficult to ascertain; being alone with cats is more up my alley. Maybe 2015 will I’ll me someone I can stand to be around, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I really need to focus on other things before meeting any broads.



One of those things is getting out of my current place of employment. My job is awful. It’s super monotonous and I get bored out of my mind doing it. Not to mention all the moronic people that I talk to on the phones all day long. Other than that it’s not bad, my boss isn't a dick, the hours are OK, the pay and benefits aren't terrible, but at the same time I’m 2 years in and I think it’s time for me to move on to something that I enjoy. That is my main goal in this upcoming year: find a new job. I am smart, hardworking, and to toot my own horn, pretty damn talented at times.

Seems like an easy enough goal to accomplish.

I also really just want to lose three pounds.


Moving out of 2014 I need to start taking my writing more seriously. I need to work on and hone my craft so maybe one day I can be published. I kind of lost my way and gave up writing, in fact this is the first thing I have written in nearly three months. I just lost my will to write. I lost faith in my talent. I was not in the right mind state to accomplish much of anything. 

This upcoming year, starting now, I am going to rededicate myself and improve. I will try to post more of my work here on this blog; along with the many, many, stories that are being written with the goal of getting them published somewhere.

Now with my goals clearly outlined its time to go finish my coffee grab a beer and get to making shit happen. Friends make sure you keep on me and make sure I’m applying to jobs and writing on a consistent basis.

I hope to provide you guys with more in 2015, so keep your eyes peeled to this blog. Until that time comes here is my Album of the year: The Roots “. . . and then you shoot your cousin.”






Friday, August 1, 2014

You Know You Suck at Driving If. . .

Driving on the highways in New Jersey can be a real pain in the ass at times, usually its because of the other morons on the road. I like driving, I really do: cruising with the windows down, feeling the cool air on my face, while jamming out to some tunes, but those other assclowns on the road seem to interrupt it. While driving down the road there are certain signals that make it known that someone is going to be an awful motorist, or as the great Larry David would call them; Schmohawks. The following is a list of these schmohawk warning signals.

1. Blue Platers

People driving around with this license plate, even though its 2014 and the states fine prisoners stopped producing this back in the very early 90s. This is a seems to be a New Jersey exclusive, though NY has a similar situation, people who still have the license plate with the Statue of Liberty on them, tend to be worse than the ones with the hideous orange ones, though "worse" is a relative term, because as far as my experience goes NY drivers suck, usually the people behind the wheel of the blue plated cars are ancient artifacts who think they are speeding along even though they are going well under the speed limit. Just know if you are stuck behind one of these ancients that you will be in for a long ride, but you can take solitude in knowing they wont be long for this world and won't be clogging our roadways for much longer.

2. Coexist
While this message is one of world unity and peace is a nice thought at its core principle, it usually means the driver is a fucking hippy who is stanking of body odor and marijuana, who likes to change lanes without signalling, drive in two lanes at once because they can't because they cant just exist in one lane, but they want to coexist with a couple of them. Some times I just wish I can run theses peoples Geo's off the road Grand Theft Auto Style.

3. Jesus Fishy
This is not just the stupid Jesus fish, but also people with the "Keep Christ In Christmas" stickers as well. These people are to busy trying to convert the tailgaters, and jamming out to the Jesus Pop jams that they tend to be unable to hole a constant speed, often fluctuating from the speed limit, well below and well above. I wish that these people would listen to that Carrie Underwood song and just like Jesus take the wheel, because I bet that dude could drive like Jeff Gordon.

4. Family Ties
First off: no one gives a flying fuck how many times you have reproduce.

Second: No one gives two flaming shits about how many cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, or gold fish you have.

Third: the only thing we want from you is to go back to the DMV, pick up a drivers manual, and learn how to operate a motor vehicle properly.

And please, for the love of god, hire a professional to teach those stick figure offspring of yours how to drive, because if they drive half as awful as you then were all screwed.

5. Homer's Odyssey


Not all Mini-Van drivers drive like turds, in fact most of them zip along and follow traffic rules, this is probably due to the fact that their kids are pissing them off and they just want to get home quickly and safely so they can beat them in the privacy of their own home, but for some reason, the drivers of a certain mini van drive like Andrea Bargnani taking it to the hole.

These particular mini vans are the Honda Odyssey. I'm not sure what happens when you get behind the wheel of one of these that makes them into complete and utter disasters. It could be that it seems like 60% of the owners of the Odyssey are of Asian decent and, as we all know, they cant drive. Is that racist if its true? Or at that point is it a fact? Not sure, but I'll stick to it.

6. Pennsyltucky

Perhaps, the worst drivers on the New Jersey roads are those syphilis ridden dick holes that come from the west to work in our fair state and in NY: Pennsylvanians. Every single god damn thing to piss another driver off these asshats do. They love to sit in the left lane and not move over when they have finished passing someone: BREAKING NEWS: THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, SO PASS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. And if you try to pass them on the right (which may be illegal, but since they won't move, its the only option left) they just speed up to not let you pass them, or if you do successfully pass them they speed up and pass you again and then slow down again. Its called speed control; its also called something people from Pennsylvania don't get. Seriously, how hard is it to maintain a speed, switch lanes with a signal when not passing and not drive like a turd sandwich? I really wish they would all just take a fucking bus, or not drive like they were taught how to operate a motor vehicle by Helen Keller.



In conclusion; if you get stuck behind an Jesus freak Asian driving a Honda Odyssey from Pennsylvania with a large family who just wants everyone to get along you're fucked









Thursday, July 24, 2014

Throwback Thursday- Tears of a 90's Kid

It was past midnight on a Wednesday, I suppose technically Thursday, and I sat trying to find and buy my childhood on the internet. As you may our may not know I'm a sucker for the 90's, so what started as a simple unbearably difficult search for perhaps the greatest childhood game of all time Top Corner Hockey  turned into a trip down memory lane, me wanting to buy everything I saw, then realizing I'm poor and can't afford a damn thing, (I have a birthday coming up though *wink wink*.)
As stated above it started with me searching for the elusive and wonderful Top Corner Hockey tabletop rod hockey game. Now I can see you sitting here reading this saying "Dan, just go and buy some other table top hockey games, what’s the difference? To that I would like to tell you to sit on it and rotate; Top Corner was the only table top game with real slap shot action, I would lift the puck high over the net into my brother’s face, and what’s better than assaulting your siblings with flying pieces of plastic? Nothing, that's what. I spent about an hour pursing sites far and wide, only locating one Top Corner Hockey game in the Frenchiest corners of the Western Hemisphere: Quebec.

Upon failing to find any of these up for sale in the United States, I gave up and started a venture through all other toys and games from my youth.


One I really think I'm going to get is Crossfire. That was one bad ass, pointless, game. For those of you who don't remember the game would recognize the totally 90's commercial for it. The concept you would fire steel marbles and these plastic thing-a-ma-bobs until you get the opponents off of the board, (why is it 94% of the toys from when we were growing up could be doubled as a weapon against siblings whom just kicked your ass at said game?) The only reason I ever wanted it as a kid was so I can send off my opponent spinning into the lightning ridden night– now that is badassery at its finest. 



The next few moments of my dumb, time consuming search was of games such as Don't Wake Daddy, Icebreakers, Kerplunk, Perfection, Guess Who?, so and on and so on. Damn toys were just so much better when we were kids. The youth today have no idea what they are missing; they’re too consumed with their video games to realize what fun they are missing. Not only were our toys worlds better, they all had memorable commercials where we can actually sing into our parents ears until they bought the toys for us (same goes for candy, that damn whats in a Wonder Ball song still gets stuck in my noggin from time to time. . . fuck I just put it there now, here's to a long day). Sometimes I feel bad for this generation, then one of them annoys me at the store and I loathe them. Do kids these days even still play with Hot Wheels?? OR damn Micro Machines? Legos? (All hold the ability to hurt someone and all make nice birthday presents for someone turning 27.)

OR Slot cars for Jesus Herbert Christ's sake; Fucking SLOT CARS!


I am buying a set of Slot cars and an excess of racetrack with loops, crossovers, high bank turns, and I will be having a damn tournament to end all tournaments. I know you will all want to come and I will destroy you all like you're flying  first class on Malaysia Airlines.

In the end what I really gained was a deepening anger that I, as a young lad, didn't have the foresight to realize that games would go down the shitter and that I would miss all my destroyed games. Fuck you pre-teen Dan, you ruined everything you jerk. I sitting here on the brink of 27 and I just wish I could play all the games from when I was 12; life is a strange thing that way; it just makes me want to cry.


So, I'll end this post as I pour out some St. Ides to my long lost love Top Corner Hockey: may we meet again one day soon


What games did I miss? Lets reminisce below.