Throwback Thursday: Music on the Telly

There are many things this generation doesn’t understand like the Walkman and Discman, VHS tapes, or flipping pages of a CD case to find what jams to pop in. They will never know what it was like digging through an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica’s to find some information for a research paper.  Kids these days will never have to call a crushes home number and have an awkward moment of speaking with their parents or siblings and then having to be careful what you said because you were attached to the wall in the kitchen by a cord and anyone can hear the conversation. They will never enjoy the bliss of 'Celebrity Death Match'. They will never get the appeal of 8 or 16 bit video game systems with controllers with only a few measly buttons. Nor will they would they be able to fathom people getting robbed for their Starter Jackets. I mean they were the coolest trend of the 90's, as explained by BuzzFeed, but getting robbed for them? Wild.

People actually got robbed and killed for these things.

No, kids these days just will never understand our struggle, just like we will never understand the previous generation’s struggles (I mean can you imagine walking to school in three feet of snow? And can you imagine doing that while going uphill . . . both ways!?!?!?). One thing I feel really bad for this stupid generation is that they will never understand music videos.

Yes, I get they still make them but they really aren’t the same.

Remember before the YouTube was all the rage and you had to wait all day to try and get to see your favorite music video? Remember when MTV stood for ‘Music Television’ and not ‘awful reality shows and other horrible crap that makes me wish Y2K was real and killed us all’? Remember when we rushed home from school to watch Carson Daly countdown the top ten videos? Remember people standing outside in all sorts of weather just so they could get a glimpse of their favorite artist standing at a window a few stories above? Remember when they hyped up the world premier of new videos for a week until it was finally the day? Remember VH1 and ‘Pop Up Video’?

If you don’t I feel awfully sorry for you. If you do then this is the post for you! I am giving ten random videos that I have always remembered. These are far from the best songs from our generation, but they are videos that were awesome.

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm- Crash Test Dummies

This song is fucking awful and makes absolutely no damn sense and neither does the video, but for some reason this dumb video has always stuck with me, so here it is.

Fantastic Voyage- Coolio

When people think about Coolio they automatically go to ‘Gangsta’s Paradise, but not me I go to this jam. It’s a fun song and an even better video; I mean Coolio gets help from some sort of pimp genie to turn his bike into a sweet car that carries an entire party to the beach in its truck. The entire video people from all walks of life came out of the trunk to join Coolio; which taught us that regardless of our skin color or age we all just want to party.

Criminal- Fiona Apple

I remember this video very distinctly, but the lyrics seem to always evade me. The video makes it seem like Apple is being forced into some sort of 70's style orgy; it is kind of creepy and I can never tell if she is enjoying herself or trying to find an escape route.

Miserable- Lit

I only can remember the lyrics to one Lit song and this is not that one. At the same time I can only remember one video by Lit and that is this one. A miniature band climbing all over a giant Pam Anderson how I could I not remember this one?

Virtual Insanity- Jamiroquai

The video takes place in one room where Jamiroqui slides and moves furniture all the while wearing some absurd hat that would have only been cool in the 90s. At one point a crow flies through the set for some reason. The only thing that would have made this video better is if at the end he back slid or moon walked out of the door. 

Also, what the fuck is a Jamiroqui?

. . . Baby One More Time- Britney Spears

I was unsure what song of Mrs. Britney’s to put up here because she had several memorable ones (mainly because I was teenager and she was hot), but none more than the one that brought her to us. Dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform she was ever teenage boy’s (and pedophile’s) wet dream, and she made catchy songs that wouldn’t get out of your head. 

The Bad Touch- Bloodhound Gang

If any of you have ever listened to any other Bloodhound song outside of The Bad Touch you would know that they are completely absurd, so when they sung(?) about intercourse by comparing us to the rest of the animal kingdom while dressed in monkey suits you wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest, I mean they have a song called ‘Vagina’ where the intro is a conversation between one of the members and his mother about what to call a vagina. Still, this video stands out as memorable, not only because when the song came out it was a tad risqué, but also watching grown men in monkey suits doesn’t get old.

Peaches- The Presidents of the United States of America

This video made no damn sense, but that’s what the Presidents were about (still are I’m sure I haven’t listened to any of their new music though.) It is a song about how awesome peaches are (maybe there is a deeper meaning, but I don’t know it) and while they are jamming amongst peach trees they are attacked by ninjas. Ninjas and peaches what’s better?

California Love- Tupac feat Dr. Dre

A fantastic song and a video that is a straight rip off from the original Mad Max movies. This is by far the best jam on today’s blog, when this song comes on everyone jams out, so it was only right that it was matched with an classic video.

Weapon of Choice- Fatboy Slim

This video has Christopher Walken Dancing. Do I need to say anything else? I didn’t think so.

What videos do you remember for our youth? 

Throwback Thursday: Singing a Better Toon

As all of you may or may not know I love the 90’s. I have written about this several times, my favorite revisit to my childhood was a small poem called ‘When Nas Was Illmatic’ and I touched on it on the two previous “Throwback Thursday” posts I have done.  I remember the days of my childhood (and high school years since I didn’t go out much) sitting in my pajamas, or shorts watching my favorite TV shows eating bowl after bowl of cereal.

Shit, if I didn’t have a job I would probably still sit around watching TV all day every day. I want that life again. Who needs a job or a relationship when you have 90’s TV to occupy your time? I could binge watch Boy Meets World or Legends of the Hidden Temple all day. Does anyone what to pay me to do that? No? Ok, I’ll keep my job then. Maybe I'll find a broad— I mean a woman, I am sooo sorry to all my feminist readers who are offended by the word broad. I mean I’m not really sorry, but we took this super annoying harassment test at work and I realized (I really already knew) that everything I say or do is some sort of harassment and probably makes people uncomfortable, so I’ll try not to offend people. And I’m joking, people are too sensitive these days and need to learn to take a joke, I mean you women can take a dick so I am sure you can take a little bit of antifeminist humor too right?

Shit, that was offensive too, sorry. I love you all and wish one day you will actually be treated as equals to men, shit most of you are already smarter and more talented to your idiotic male counterparts and deserve to be placed ahead of them.

Besides 90s TV was super empowering to women, shit look at Topanga, she was all about being independent (yes, yes she was always with Corey, but she controlled that shit and good for her.) she was also my first TV crush, her Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle.

I had a point I was trying to get to, but like a suspect on The First 48 I don't recall. It was nearly two paragraphs ago, how do you expect someone with the attention span of a moth to remember? I think it was something about finding a sugar mama so I could sit at home and watch 90s TV shows and write my novel all day. If that wasn't what I was going to say it is now. You wouldn't know the difference and you cant tell me what to do because:

Anyway, back to the post. Sorry, I’m always losing track of my topic. Like I said I have the attention span of a hermit crab that has a few missing chromosomes.  

I miss the TV watching days, so today I want to relive them.

I am not going to do TV shows with real actors, no; today I will focus on greatness of the cartoons we were all able to enjoy each morning. There were so many, and today I while I eat a bowl of Cap’n Crunch listening to The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s greatest hits I will list my ten favorites. As you all know decision making is something I struggle with everyday of my life, so you should all be super proud of me that I was able to put this list together. 

10- Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Once you got past the fact that these things were monsters and kind of disgusting and that they are training to scare the shit out of humans they became super relatable. They are just a group of friends going through ups and downs while trying to navigate through their preteens. Besides having that many friends and having horrid arm pit stench I see a lot of my young self in Krumm.

9- Duck Tales

Yes I know this show ended in 1990 and isn’t really a 90s show, but who wasn’t watching this during our childhood? It really made me wish I had a rich Uncle to go on adventures with; I would have been way entertaining then Huey, Dewey, or Louie . . . oh childhood dreams. And they always told me I could do anything I wanted— liars.  Also I was on Wikipedia and saw that Disney is planning a reboot of this series coming in 2017 and I believe everything I read on Wikipedia, so we have that to look forward to.

8- Chip ‘N Dale rescue Rangers

Another show that was actually aired in the late 80’s, but was aired as a part of Disney’s afternoon cartoon lineup in the early 90’s. What isn’t to love about Chip ‘N Dale? They are adorable chipmunks who solve mysteries. One is a rip off of Indian Jones and the other of Magnum PI which is a never fail combination. Now if only Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford mad a movie in the 80’s combining these forces. I would have watched that shit just for Magnum PI’s mustache.

7- Inspector Gadget

Once again a show that originally aired in the 80’s, but was syndicated during my youth Gadget was the most awesome detective in the history of television ever. This dude had a helicopter hat. A fucking helicopter hat!!! He more gadgets than James Bond and he owned the greatest dog in the history of television. If all dogs were like Brian I would probably be a dog person, but they aren’t, so I’m not.

6- Rocket Power

I mean who didn’t love this cartoon? Shoobies, that’s who, fucking Shoobies always ruining the sweet surf spots and getting in the teams way. The only thing that irked me about this show is how they were good at everything. Even Squid was better than me at everything. You know how it makes a kid feel that some short fat un-athletic kid named Squid is better than them at everything? It makes me feel smaller than a dwarf playing basketball against Shaq. Not only was he better at sports than me, but he was smarter too. Fuck you Squid, Otto, Twister, Reggie, and fuck you too Raymundo. Tito you are my spiritual guide through life, you are cool man.

5- Doug

Ah, Doug, you were a nerd wearing a sweater vest and khaki shorts, but we all loved you. We wish you would have beaten up Roger, that guy was a freaking jerk man. I hope you and Skeeter are still best friends and you are plowing Patti Mayonnaise. I’m sure Porkchop has long died, so I am sorry for your lose. Sometimes I wish you would return because the world would be a much better place with Quailman watching over it.

4- Rocko’s Modern Life

Watching this show on DVD (a proud possession of mine) I realize how incredibly inappropriate it was for children. The jokes were filthy and perverted, but as a kid it was just funny because it was all strange to us and we didn’t get it. I recommend you all re-watch this show and discover how much acid the creators were probably doing during the production of the show. When watching it now the cartoon has a whole new meaning and it becomes appreciated in a whole new way.

3- SpongeBob Squarepants

This is one of the last good cartoons before they started making cartoons strictly about fart jokes and homosexual pirates.  I love SpongeBob, I mean I really like Patrick because he is so dumb, but he remains a devoted friend to SpongeBob.  This is one of the few cartoons on this list that are still on TV daily, so trust me I watch this way more than any 27 year old should, but fuck it. The only reason I put it so high on my list is because I quote this all the time, and because I’m hungry right now (that Cap’n Crunch did not fill me up) and I can really go for a Krabby Patty©.

2- Batman: The Animated Series

This is by far the greatest cartoon super hero series. Way better than anything that was done prior or following. The animation was gritty, the storylines were brilliant and I love the noir style of the entire thing.  This is the only non-humor based cartoon on this list, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t funny when I was young; the action spoke wonders to me. I need to finish buying all these on DVD. Let me go do that now.

1- Darkwing Duck

He was a “daring duck of mystery, champion of right, swoops out of the shadows. Darkwing owns the night. Somewhere some villain schemes, but his numbers up! Darkwing Duck.” Right when I heard this I knew it was time to get dangerous and save St. Canard from evil doers.  Though Batman is a better “superhero” cartoon I love Darkwing a bit more as a show and I don’t need to give any damn reason, but I will give one: this is my favorite show because as Billy Madison would say its “quacktastic”.

I’m sure if you ask me on another day the order of this list may change or some other cartoons may enter, this is the list that has been posted on the internet so it is the official list and is set in stone (never mind the fact that I can go in and edit it whenever I want).

What are you favorites? What cartoons did I leave off of here that you think belong? Let’s discus in the comment section below!

Throwback Thursday- Avoiding Dysentery

I was going to write the most inspirational blog post ever written I was going to change all of your lives forever. I was going to talk to you about major strides in my life and guide you into doing the same. This was going to be as big as the Camp David Accords. Bigger than the fall of the USSR. More important than the polio vaccine.

THIS WAS GOING TO BE BIG!

Then this happened. . .

I found The Oregon Trail. You remember the times in elementary school where you didn't work, but instead you stared at the screen and tried to make it to Oregon City without dying of dysentery: it was a grueling trip, yes it may have had some sort of educational value, but we knew it as the greatest time of the school year. 

I found it in the midst of changing the world and said fuck it and distracted myself into an adventure.

Since My roommates were floating around and I was showing them my great discovery I let them join me in the trip on The Oregon Trail. So, I, the leader, Jess, Shaun, Steph, and our trusty servant, Jeffery- a former prince from England whom we kidnapped back east, started our journey.

It was going well I hunted, to keep out bellies full to keep illness away while we rushed the trail at Grueling pace. I shot deer, bison, bear, rabbits, and whatever the hell the tiny fast brown thing was. A squirrel? I was a true wagon leader. We were all in good health. When Jess broke her leg we took a few days to rest. We were well on our way westward where I had a cushy job lined up running a general store. Shaun was going to head out and mine for gold. While Steph and Jess were all set for the best job a woman could have: working in a brothel. 

We had a slight accident when the fire Jess made to make some of her people's knishes got out of hand and tore through the wagon. Luckily no one was hurt: Jeffery the Englishman suffered several burns which made his fair British skin swell up and puss for most of the rest of the trip. He kept saying something about infections, but we didn't know we weren't doctors. 

But then it got bad. First, some no good Indian came out and stole my oxen. I knew it was an Indian because I saw him. I didn't stop him because he sent his Wife or daughter or Native American whore to distract me. It worked I've always been partial to a woman with color.

After the night where we lost an ox, I did what any man would do in that situation: I went out and killed a fucking bear or some other living creature. It made me feel superior. Then we were back on the road again.

 We cruised until it got worse:

Not being the carpenter from Ohio I wasn't able to fix the wagon tongue. And considering this wasn't the first time this happened I was out of extras. We were stuck until someone wanted to trade a tongue for some food. With the wagon tongue repaired we were on our way again.

Then we got to The Dalles, which is so close to the finish. At this part of the trail I had to navigate a raft which my wagon was on through a river full of rocks. Let's just say I was distracted by real life hit a rock and. . . well. . . I was in the wagon all alone.

Which is fine, I was going to kill them and eat their corpses anyway. Don't judge. Food is scarce out on the Oregon Trail and you must do what you have to do to survive.

Then. . . . BAM another rock and I drown like the rest of my wagon party.

Thus ended this adventure. I will keep on playing because I am a child of the 90s and this is one of my fondest memories. Try your own adventure and don't get the killer shits and become another victim of The Oregon Trail.

Throwback Thursday- Tears of a 90's Kid

It was past midnight on a Wednesday, I suppose technically Thursday, and I sat trying to find and buy my childhood on the internet. As you may our may not know I'm a sucker for the 90's, so what started as a simple unbearably difficult search for perhaps the greatest childhood game of all time– Top Corner Hockey–  turned into a trip down memory lane, me wanting to buy everything I saw, then realizing I'm poor and can't afford a damn thing, (I have a birthday coming up though *wink wink*.)

As stated above it started with me searching for the elusive and wonderful Top Corner Hockey tabletop rod hockey game. Now I can see you sitting here reading this saying "Dan, just go and buy some other table top hockey games, what’s the difference? To that I would like to tell you to sit on it and rotate; Top Corner was the only table top game with real slap shot action, I would lift the puck high over the net into my brother’s face, and what’s better than assaulting your siblings with flying pieces of plastic? Nothing, that's what. I spent about an hour pursing sites far and wide, only locating one Top Corner Hockey game in the Frenchiest corners of the Western Hemisphere: Quebec.

Upon failing to find any of these up for sale in the United States, I gave up and started a venture through all other toys and games from my youth.

One I really think I'm going to get is Crossfire. That was one bad ass, pointless, game. For those of you who don't remember the game would recognize the totally 90's commercial for it. The concept you would fire steel marbles and these plastic thing-a-ma-bobs until you get the opponents off of the board, (why is it 94% of the toys from when we were growing up could be doubled as a weapon against siblings whom just kicked your ass at said game?) The only reason I ever wanted it as a kid was so I can send off my opponent spinning into the lightning ridden night– now that is badassery at its finest. 

The next few moments of my dumb, time consuming search was of games such as Don't Wake Daddy, Icebreakers, Kerplunk, Perfection, Guess Who?, so and on and so on. Damn toys were just so much better when we were kids. The youth today have no idea what they are missing; they’re too consumed with their video games to realize what fun they are missing. Not only were our toys worlds better, they all had memorable commercials where we can actually sing into our parents ears until they bought the toys for us (same goes for candy, that damn whats in a Wonder Ball song still gets stuck in my noggin from time to time. . . fuck I just put it there now, here's to a long day). Sometimes I feel bad for this generation, then one of them annoys me at the store and I loathe them. Do kids these days even still play with Hot Wheels?? OR damn Micro Machines? Legos? (All hold the ability to hurt someone and all make nice birthday presents for someone turning 27.)

OR Slot cars for Jesus Herbert Christ's sake; Fucking SLOT CARS!

I am buying a set of Slot cars and an excess of racetrack with loops, crossovers, high bank turns, and I will be having a damn tournament to end all tournaments. I know you will all want to come and I will destroy you all like you're flying  first class on Malaysia Airlines.

In the end what I really gained was a deepening anger that I, as a young lad, didn't have the foresight to realize that games would go down the shitter and that I would miss all my destroyed games. Fuck you pre-teen Dan, you ruined everything you jerk. I sitting here on the brink of 27 and I just wish I could play all the games from when I was 12; life is a strange thing that way; it just makes me want to cry.

So, I'll end this post as I pour out some St. Ides to my long lost love Top Corner Hockey: may we meet again one day soon

What games did I miss? Lets reminisce below.