Throwback Thursday: Singing a Better Toon

As all of you may or may not know I love the 90’s. I have written about this several times, my favorite revisit to my childhood was a small poem called ‘When Nas Was Illmatic’ and I touched on it on the two previous “Throwback Thursday” posts I have done.  I remember the days of my childhood (and high school years since I didn’t go out much) sitting in my pajamas, or shorts watching my favorite TV shows eating bowl after bowl of cereal.

Shit, if I didn’t have a job I would probably still sit around watching TV all day every day. I want that life again. Who needs a job or a relationship when you have 90’s TV to occupy your time? I could binge watch Boy Meets World or Legends of the Hidden Temple all day. Does anyone what to pay me to do that? No? Ok, I’ll keep my job then. Maybe I'll find a broad— I mean a woman, I am sooo sorry to all my feminist readers who are offended by the word broad. I mean I’m not really sorry, but we took this super annoying harassment test at work and I realized (I really already knew) that everything I say or do is some sort of harassment and probably makes people uncomfortable, so I’ll try not to offend people. And I’m joking, people are too sensitive these days and need to learn to take a joke, I mean you women can take a dick so I am sure you can take a little bit of antifeminist humor too right?

Shit, that was offensive too, sorry. I love you all and wish one day you will actually be treated as equals to men, shit most of you are already smarter and more talented to your idiotic male counterparts and deserve to be placed ahead of them.

Besides 90s TV was super empowering to women, shit look at Topanga, she was all about being independent (yes, yes she was always with Corey, but she controlled that shit and good for her.) she was also my first TV crush, her Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle.

I had a point I was trying to get to, but like a suspect on The First 48 I don't recall. It was nearly two paragraphs ago, how do you expect someone with the attention span of a moth to remember? I think it was something about finding a sugar mama so I could sit at home and watch 90s TV shows and write my novel all day. If that wasn't what I was going to say it is now. You wouldn't know the difference and you cant tell me what to do because:

Anyway, back to the post. Sorry, I’m always losing track of my topic. Like I said I have the attention span of a hermit crab that has a few missing chromosomes.  

I miss the TV watching days, so today I want to relive them.

I am not going to do TV shows with real actors, no; today I will focus on greatness of the cartoons we were all able to enjoy each morning. There were so many, and today I while I eat a bowl of Cap’n Crunch listening to The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s greatest hits I will list my ten favorites. As you all know decision making is something I struggle with everyday of my life, so you should all be super proud of me that I was able to put this list together. 

10- Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Once you got past the fact that these things were monsters and kind of disgusting and that they are training to scare the shit out of humans they became super relatable. They are just a group of friends going through ups and downs while trying to navigate through their preteens. Besides having that many friends and having horrid arm pit stench I see a lot of my young self in Krumm.

9- Duck Tales

Yes I know this show ended in 1990 and isn’t really a 90s show, but who wasn’t watching this during our childhood? It really made me wish I had a rich Uncle to go on adventures with; I would have been way entertaining then Huey, Dewey, or Louie . . . oh childhood dreams. And they always told me I could do anything I wanted— liars.  Also I was on Wikipedia and saw that Disney is planning a reboot of this series coming in 2017 and I believe everything I read on Wikipedia, so we have that to look forward to.

8- Chip ‘N Dale rescue Rangers

Another show that was actually aired in the late 80’s, but was aired as a part of Disney’s afternoon cartoon lineup in the early 90’s. What isn’t to love about Chip ‘N Dale? They are adorable chipmunks who solve mysteries. One is a rip off of Indian Jones and the other of Magnum PI which is a never fail combination. Now if only Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford mad a movie in the 80’s combining these forces. I would have watched that shit just for Magnum PI’s mustache.

7- Inspector Gadget

Once again a show that originally aired in the 80’s, but was syndicated during my youth Gadget was the most awesome detective in the history of television ever. This dude had a helicopter hat. A fucking helicopter hat!!! He more gadgets than James Bond and he owned the greatest dog in the history of television. If all dogs were like Brian I would probably be a dog person, but they aren’t, so I’m not.

6- Rocket Power

I mean who didn’t love this cartoon? Shoobies, that’s who, fucking Shoobies always ruining the sweet surf spots and getting in the teams way. The only thing that irked me about this show is how they were good at everything. Even Squid was better than me at everything. You know how it makes a kid feel that some short fat un-athletic kid named Squid is better than them at everything? It makes me feel smaller than a dwarf playing basketball against Shaq. Not only was he better at sports than me, but he was smarter too. Fuck you Squid, Otto, Twister, Reggie, and fuck you too Raymundo. Tito you are my spiritual guide through life, you are cool man.

5- Doug

Ah, Doug, you were a nerd wearing a sweater vest and khaki shorts, but we all loved you. We wish you would have beaten up Roger, that guy was a freaking jerk man. I hope you and Skeeter are still best friends and you are plowing Patti Mayonnaise. I’m sure Porkchop has long died, so I am sorry for your lose. Sometimes I wish you would return because the world would be a much better place with Quailman watching over it.

4- Rocko’s Modern Life

Watching this show on DVD (a proud possession of mine) I realize how incredibly inappropriate it was for children. The jokes were filthy and perverted, but as a kid it was just funny because it was all strange to us and we didn’t get it. I recommend you all re-watch this show and discover how much acid the creators were probably doing during the production of the show. When watching it now the cartoon has a whole new meaning and it becomes appreciated in a whole new way.

3- SpongeBob Squarepants

This is one of the last good cartoons before they started making cartoons strictly about fart jokes and homosexual pirates.  I love SpongeBob, I mean I really like Patrick because he is so dumb, but he remains a devoted friend to SpongeBob.  This is one of the few cartoons on this list that are still on TV daily, so trust me I watch this way more than any 27 year old should, but fuck it. The only reason I put it so high on my list is because I quote this all the time, and because I’m hungry right now (that Cap’n Crunch did not fill me up) and I can really go for a Krabby Patty©.

2- Batman: The Animated Series

This is by far the greatest cartoon super hero series. Way better than anything that was done prior or following. The animation was gritty, the storylines were brilliant and I love the noir style of the entire thing.  This is the only non-humor based cartoon on this list, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t funny when I was young; the action spoke wonders to me. I need to finish buying all these on DVD. Let me go do that now.

1- Darkwing Duck

He was a “daring duck of mystery, champion of right, swoops out of the shadows. Darkwing owns the night. Somewhere some villain schemes, but his numbers up! Darkwing Duck.” Right when I heard this I knew it was time to get dangerous and save St. Canard from evil doers.  Though Batman is a better “superhero” cartoon I love Darkwing a bit more as a show and I don’t need to give any damn reason, but I will give one: this is my favorite show because as Billy Madison would say its “quacktastic”.

I’m sure if you ask me on another day the order of this list may change or some other cartoons may enter, this is the list that has been posted on the internet so it is the official list and is set in stone (never mind the fact that I can go in and edit it whenever I want).

What are you favorites? What cartoons did I leave off of here that you think belong? Let’s discus in the comment section below!