Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I Said So: Part Six

Good day folks. How are you? Good? Me too, I’m great! In fact I have never been better. I mean that’s not true, but you don’t need to know that.

Shit, I guess you do know that now. Oh well, I’m ok. Not great not bad just ok. Thanks for asking though.

Now that we got our politeness out of the way let us talk about what we are doing her today and that is another installment of ‘Movies That You Should All Sit Down and Watch Because I said So’. Today is another special edition topical adventure. Today I bring to you Animation Domination.

I hope 21^st Century Fox doesn’t have that term copy written or I’ll be facing a lawsuit. Just in case you can all send me checks or money orders. Email me and I’ll give you the address to send them to. Thanks in advance.

Anyway, today I compiled a list ten animated films that you should watch if you haven’t already. I tried my best to not make it entirely dominated by Disney and Pixar, though 6 of the ten are from those studios, so I guess I didn’t do that great of a job. Fuck it, those two studios make brilliant animated films and they deserve to dominate animation domination.

Enough idle chit chat let’s get into it.

The Yellow Submarine (1968)- George Dunning; Apple Corps, King Features Production, TVC London

I will start today’s edition with a trippy exploration with the Beatles and Captain Fred to a land under the sea aboard a yellow submarine.

Deep under the sea is a land known as Pepperland which is being controlled by the music hating bastards the Blue Meanies, and only the Beatles can save them from the oppression. This is all based off of a true story* and must be passed down in history classes as a perfect real life example to fight for our freedom.

The film has great Beatles music, humor, and fantastic animation so what’s not to love?

An American Tail (1986)- Don Bluth; Universal, U-drive, Sullivan Studios, Amblin Ent., Don Bluth Pro.

If anyone wants to watch a film that demonstrates the struggles that faced immigrants coming to America along with the heart ache of being alone in an unfamiliar place An American Tail is a movie I highly suggest. The film starts out with Fievel and his family in Russia thinking of the land of freedom when their village was attacked (seems like the Russian Civil War, so I figure we can place this film in the late 19teens). This attack prompts them to head to America, but along the way Fievel gets separated and the family fear he is dead, but he survived the fall over board and arrives in America alone and in search of his family. If you have feelings this movie will tug the heart strings as you watch the family and Fievel struggle to live out the American Dream.

I almost didn’t mention that the movie also stars Dom DeLuise as the cat who befriends Fievel and helps him find his family. Anything with Dom DeLuise being Dom DeLuise doing Dom DeLuise things gets my stamp of approval. 

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)- Roberet Zemeckis; Touchstone, Amblin Ent., Silver Screen Partners

I really had no idea what to do with this film. Should it be on a list of animated films, or should I save it for another installment of this blog. I had this internal debate for weeks before I decided to include it today.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit seamlessly meshes classic animation with live action and sprinkles in a little bit of film noir and turned it into an all-time favorite of mine. Bob Hoskins (RIP) was cast perfectly as the hard on his luck alcoholic toon hating detective who reluctantly gets hired by Roger Rabbit to find out who is framing him for the murder of Marvin Acme. Hoskins hatred for toon’s stems from his brother being killed by one, but he helps Roger for a paycheck.

Bring in Christopher Lloyd as the villain and the Judge presiding over Toontown who has the goal to kill toons with his new chemical compound called dip. Christopher Lloyd is brilliant in this film as the main antagonist. He is just downright evil and plays it perfectly. Why wasn’t he given an Oscar for best supporting actor? He wasn’t even nominated which is a travesty; though the film won three.

I have the sweet special edition if anyone wants to watch with me; preferably a single woman.

Aladdin (1992)- Ron Clements, John Musker; Walt Disney Pictures

The prince of thieves, his monkey, and his genie try to regain the love of Princess Jasmine and fight off that bastard Jafar who is the second most bad ass villain in the Disneyverse. This is my favorite Robin Williams role considering I hated him as an actor and most of his acting roles were just crap, but as a voice actor I liked him. The one thing that disappoints me about this film is that though we have an Arab hero and Arab Princess all the voice actors are white, which I guess considering Walt Disney was a racists and anti-Semite (If I say and apparently Meryl Streep agrees who are you to argue?) he would have rolled over in his grave had they cast any authentic voices.

Also, I think I speak for every male my age when I say that Jasmine was our first crush. She was exotic, rich, and a princess what wasn’t to love?

The Lion King (1994)- Rogers Allers, Rob Minkoff; Walt Disney Pictures

Jeremy Irons was a perfect choice for a villain and Scar remains the best villain in Disney film history (in my not so humble opinion). I mean he hilariously killed Mustafa and made Simba think it was his fault and forced him to run away while he banged Simba’s mom and the rest of the lionesses. 

Scar ruled that shit like a badass motherfucker. Meanwhile Simba goes from being teen sensation JTT to lame old Matthew Broderick. So who is really winning there? I mean I guess Simba does in the end, but I still like Scar better. I think I’ll write a sequel to look into Scar’s life during the time Simba was gone. Disney, would you like to buy the rights to that idea right now? Email me.

Toy Story (1995)- John Lasseter; Pixar Animation Studios, Walt Disney Pictures

This is one of the best films of all time forget just cartoons. Who didn’t pretend their toys were alive when they were kids? I know I made my stuffed animals all act alive, shit they even played basketball and baseball, so this movie hit home. This is the first of three (as of now) adventures for Woody, Buzz, Mr. Potato Head, and the rest of the world’s favorite toys and it still remains my favorite. With the voices of Tom Hanks, a non-coked up Tim Allen,  Don Rickles, among many more Pixar hit a homerun with this film. I could watch it every day of my life, ok maybe not every day, but I can watch it a lot. 

James and the Giant Peach (1996)- Henry Selick; Walt Disney Pictures, Allied Filmakers, Skellington Pro. Inc.

Growing up my two favorite books were Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and James and the Giant Peach, both of which were made into films which I thoroughly enjoyed. While Cloudy was great and I loved the movie it was nothing like the book I remember, while James and his peach were pretty much the same. It also came out when I was still young while Cloudy didn’t come out until I was already an old fart. So, James and the Giant Peach gets the place on this list. Just a wonderful story of a boy struggling with life at home and seeks acceptance and he finds it on a trip to New York City aboard a massive peach along with his giant insect counterparts. I think watching this movie as kid marked the first time I really despised a character in a movie, both the aunts just giant bitches I wanted to slap.

The Iron Giant (1999)- Brad Bird; Warner Bros.

Without a doubt one of Vin Diesel’s top two acting jobs right behind Saving Private Ryan which is only his best because he dies like a moron. He should die in more of his films it would make them so much better. He is an awful actor. Not even slightly decent, but he has a distinctive voice and I don’t mind him as a voice actor especially for a massive robot. It just fits him perfectly. This is a childhood favorite of mine which I haven’t seen in many years, so I think it is time to watch it. You guys bring the popcorn.

Monsters, Inc. (2001)- Peter Doctor, David Silverman, Lee Unkrich;  Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios

Pixar really can’t do wrong in my eyes. Monsters Inc. teams John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Steve Buscemi, and James Coburn and with those actors signed up together with the brilliant script the many Pixar writers it makes for one of Pixar’s top films. I mean that’s debatable since they have so many movies that are brilliant and could be in consideration. The best part of Monsters is it finally answers why the hell those bastards were always hiding in my close—I mean that and everything else about it.

Up (2009)- Peter Doctor, Bob Peterson; Disney Pixar

A wonderfully done animated film, as most Pixar films are. Edward Asner provides the voice behind Carl, a widowed elderly man who is being forced to leave his home for a retirement home. Instead of accepting his fate he floats his home away to try and get to Paradise Falls: a destination he wanted to go to with his wife. The montage of Carl and Ellie's relationship is both lovely and sad. Their relationship goes through many ups and downs, yet their love remains strong even after Ellie's death Carl is dedicated to her. The brilliant script and animation are as always with Pixar films, backed by an impeccable score. One of the best animated films of all time and more than worthy of joining Beauty and the Beast as (as of the 2009 awards, Toy Story 3 later joined the exclusive club) as the only animated films to be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture.




*may not actually be based off of a true adventure of the Beatles, but your not going to fact check me.

Throwback Thursday: Singing a Better Toon

As all of you may or may not know I love the 90’s. I have written about this several times, my favorite revisit to my childhood was a small poem called ‘When Nas Was Illmatic’ and I touched on it on the two previous “Throwback Thursday” posts I have done.  I remember the days of my childhood (and high school years since I didn’t go out much) sitting in my pajamas, or shorts watching my favorite TV shows eating bowl after bowl of cereal.

Shit, if I didn’t have a job I would probably still sit around watching TV all day every day. I want that life again. Who needs a job or a relationship when you have 90’s TV to occupy your time? I could binge watch Boy Meets World or Legends of the Hidden Temple all day. Does anyone what to pay me to do that? No? Ok, I’ll keep my job then. Maybe I'll find a broad— I mean a woman, I am sooo sorry to all my feminist readers who are offended by the word broad. I mean I’m not really sorry, but we took this super annoying harassment test at work and I realized (I really already knew) that everything I say or do is some sort of harassment and probably makes people uncomfortable, so I’ll try not to offend people. And I’m joking, people are too sensitive these days and need to learn to take a joke, I mean you women can take a dick so I am sure you can take a little bit of antifeminist humor too right?

Shit, that was offensive too, sorry. I love you all and wish one day you will actually be treated as equals to men, shit most of you are already smarter and more talented to your idiotic male counterparts and deserve to be placed ahead of them.

Besides 90s TV was super empowering to women, shit look at Topanga, she was all about being independent (yes, yes she was always with Corey, but she controlled that shit and good for her.) she was also my first TV crush, her Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle.

I had a point I was trying to get to, but like a suspect on The First 48 I don't recall. It was nearly two paragraphs ago, how do you expect someone with the attention span of a moth to remember? I think it was something about finding a sugar mama so I could sit at home and watch 90s TV shows and write my novel all day. If that wasn't what I was going to say it is now. You wouldn't know the difference and you cant tell me what to do because:

Anyway, back to the post. Sorry, I’m always losing track of my topic. Like I said I have the attention span of a hermit crab that has a few missing chromosomes.  

I miss the TV watching days, so today I want to relive them.

I am not going to do TV shows with real actors, no; today I will focus on greatness of the cartoons we were all able to enjoy each morning. There were so many, and today I while I eat a bowl of Cap’n Crunch listening to The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s greatest hits I will list my ten favorites. As you all know decision making is something I struggle with everyday of my life, so you should all be super proud of me that I was able to put this list together. 

10- Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Once you got past the fact that these things were monsters and kind of disgusting and that they are training to scare the shit out of humans they became super relatable. They are just a group of friends going through ups and downs while trying to navigate through their preteens. Besides having that many friends and having horrid arm pit stench I see a lot of my young self in Krumm.

9- Duck Tales

Yes I know this show ended in 1990 and isn’t really a 90s show, but who wasn’t watching this during our childhood? It really made me wish I had a rich Uncle to go on adventures with; I would have been way entertaining then Huey, Dewey, or Louie . . . oh childhood dreams. And they always told me I could do anything I wanted— liars.  Also I was on Wikipedia and saw that Disney is planning a reboot of this series coming in 2017 and I believe everything I read on Wikipedia, so we have that to look forward to.

8- Chip ‘N Dale rescue Rangers

Another show that was actually aired in the late 80’s, but was aired as a part of Disney’s afternoon cartoon lineup in the early 90’s. What isn’t to love about Chip ‘N Dale? They are adorable chipmunks who solve mysteries. One is a rip off of Indian Jones and the other of Magnum PI which is a never fail combination. Now if only Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford mad a movie in the 80’s combining these forces. I would have watched that shit just for Magnum PI’s mustache.

7- Inspector Gadget

Once again a show that originally aired in the 80’s, but was syndicated during my youth Gadget was the most awesome detective in the history of television ever. This dude had a helicopter hat. A fucking helicopter hat!!! He more gadgets than James Bond and he owned the greatest dog in the history of television. If all dogs were like Brian I would probably be a dog person, but they aren’t, so I’m not.

6- Rocket Power

I mean who didn’t love this cartoon? Shoobies, that’s who, fucking Shoobies always ruining the sweet surf spots and getting in the teams way. The only thing that irked me about this show is how they were good at everything. Even Squid was better than me at everything. You know how it makes a kid feel that some short fat un-athletic kid named Squid is better than them at everything? It makes me feel smaller than a dwarf playing basketball against Shaq. Not only was he better at sports than me, but he was smarter too. Fuck you Squid, Otto, Twister, Reggie, and fuck you too Raymundo. Tito you are my spiritual guide through life, you are cool man.

5- Doug

Ah, Doug, you were a nerd wearing a sweater vest and khaki shorts, but we all loved you. We wish you would have beaten up Roger, that guy was a freaking jerk man. I hope you and Skeeter are still best friends and you are plowing Patti Mayonnaise. I’m sure Porkchop has long died, so I am sorry for your lose. Sometimes I wish you would return because the world would be a much better place with Quailman watching over it.

4- Rocko’s Modern Life

Watching this show on DVD (a proud possession of mine) I realize how incredibly inappropriate it was for children. The jokes were filthy and perverted, but as a kid it was just funny because it was all strange to us and we didn’t get it. I recommend you all re-watch this show and discover how much acid the creators were probably doing during the production of the show. When watching it now the cartoon has a whole new meaning and it becomes appreciated in a whole new way.

3- SpongeBob Squarepants

This is one of the last good cartoons before they started making cartoons strictly about fart jokes and homosexual pirates.  I love SpongeBob, I mean I really like Patrick because he is so dumb, but he remains a devoted friend to SpongeBob.  This is one of the few cartoons on this list that are still on TV daily, so trust me I watch this way more than any 27 year old should, but fuck it. The only reason I put it so high on my list is because I quote this all the time, and because I’m hungry right now (that Cap’n Crunch did not fill me up) and I can really go for a Krabby Patty©.

2- Batman: The Animated Series

This is by far the greatest cartoon super hero series. Way better than anything that was done prior or following. The animation was gritty, the storylines were brilliant and I love the noir style of the entire thing.  This is the only non-humor based cartoon on this list, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t funny when I was young; the action spoke wonders to me. I need to finish buying all these on DVD. Let me go do that now.

1- Darkwing Duck

He was a “daring duck of mystery, champion of right, swoops out of the shadows. Darkwing owns the night. Somewhere some villain schemes, but his numbers up! Darkwing Duck.” Right when I heard this I knew it was time to get dangerous and save St. Canard from evil doers.  Though Batman is a better “superhero” cartoon I love Darkwing a bit more as a show and I don’t need to give any damn reason, but I will give one: this is my favorite show because as Billy Madison would say its “quacktastic”.

I’m sure if you ask me on another day the order of this list may change or some other cartoons may enter, this is the list that has been posted on the internet so it is the official list and is set in stone (never mind the fact that I can go in and edit it whenever I want).

What are you favorites? What cartoons did I leave off of here that you think belong? Let’s discus in the comment section below!