Like a Good Neighbor

November is nearing its end and that is far more than I can say about my NaNoWriMo novel which will not be finished by days end like as was my goal, but it will get finished soon. As I said in the last few posts I am not doing any writing in November except that so I have no new content to offer. Instead, I have been sharing Reddit writing prompt inspired shorts, so today I bring you one last one for the month. Once December hits I will work on the next post of Movies That You Should Sit Down and Watch, but since it isn't December you get this slop. The prompt on this was "Write erotica of hilariously bad quality", enjoy, or don't I don't give a hoot.

P.s. This is NSFW, so I am just going to toss that out there awkwardly like a ceremonial first pitch from  50 Cent.

“Uhh. . . khakis.”

My wife slammed the phone into my chest.

“Well, she sounds hideous.” She seethed.

“Well, she’s a man,” I told her confused.

“Uhhh, so, sir what can state farm do for you tonight?” Jake spoke into my chest.

“I’m sorry Jake, my wife thinks I’m sleeping around and talking with hookers or something.”

“I’m Jake. . . from State Farm. You called about insurance.”

“I know, I know, but my wife doesn’t know that. I need you to come over.” Jake didn’t respond, “Jake?”

“I don’t think I’m going to do that Mr. Davidson,” Jake paused, I didn’t respond I could hear my wife throwing all of my things out the upstairs window into the lawn, “But looking over your policy I think we can save you $250 by combining your auto and home insurance.”

“Just come over Jake from State Farm. My wife will like it.”

“I’m going to end this conversation, sir. Have a nice night.”

“I didn’t want to do this Jake,” I took a deep breath and began to sing, “Like a good neighbor State Farm is here with Jake and a box of condoms in my living room.”

Jake appeared in the living room in a puff of smoke, wearing a red shirt and a pair of freshly pressed khakis. He frowned I smiled. “Hi there Jake, she is upstairs let’s go do this.”

“Where am I sir, I need to get home and walk my dog.”

“You can’t deny the jingle; it’s in your contract. Now let’s go upstairs.” Jake reluctantly followed with the box of condoms firmly grasped in his hand.

My wife was sitting on the edge of the bed crying, all of my drawers empty the contents all lying on the front lawn.

“Honey, I brought you a present.”

She looked up and saw Jake; he was chubby and blonde and looked like a younger version of myself: she was into it.

“Jake here is a dog person, but Jake why don’t you go show my wife you what you can do with a nice kitty.” Jake walked over to the bed and took my wife’s pants of and dove head first into her snatch like he was Greg Louganis, my wife screamed with pleasure. Her head swung back and her mouth wide open as her box was being munched like it was a $5 box from KFC. She screamed his name, Jake’s head bobbed back and forth as he covered every inch. I walked over and my wife pulled my pants down and started to thrust her mouth over my penis. I took her shirt off and started playing with her stiff nipples.

“Honey, today you finally see Paris.”

I stood my wife up and she stood in between me and Jake, her pussy dripping and her chest heaving. I bent her down and front of me and slid my cock into her vagina, she screamed wildly. I pounded her while Jake slid on a condom. Once it was on my wife paused and looked at his erect penis, “Like a good neighbor State Farm is here!” Jake said as my wife deep throated his penis. I looked over my wife at Jake and we double high-fived as we penetrated our members into my wife’s gaping holes.

There is Only One

As I have mentioned in my previous few posts I am in themidst of trying to write a 50000 word novel by the end of the month for Nanowrio, so I am not paying attention to my blog, though I should have a new movie post in december some time. Instead of new content I have been posting things I wrote over a year ago for Reddit under their writing prompt sub reddit; well here is another one of those! the prompt for this one was "The latest target of an obsessive serial killer turns out to be immortal" so here is my attempt at it. With all of these prompts I gave myself an hour to come up with a concept and write it, if I had more time and space some of these would be vastly different I am sure, but nonetheless enjoy.

Jackson spotted his victim walking out of the 7-11. The man fit his credentials: about 6 foot, thin, mustached, brown haired—all the features of his first victim and sexually abusive step father. He followed the man’s Honda Civic until it parked in front of a small bungalow on the out skirts of town.

“Gun?” Jackson asked himself.

“No, the last one was a gun. Have fun with this one, use the knife make it slow and painful.” He answered his own question.

“Sounds good.” Jackson grabbed a steak knife from his glove compartment and stepped out of his Ford Pint. He took a deep breath of the crisp fall air. He watched as lights turned on inside the bungalow.

He watched as a figure moved about the house. Here pulled out a black and white photo from his pocket, “All this could have been avoided, I was sane before you.”

“Sane? Are you kidding me?” He grew angry with himself, “You were never sane, remember that time you hung your dog with a rubber hose from your neighbor’s oak tree?”

“But that was a dog. I wouldn’t have killed people if he hadn’t stuck his thing in me.”

“Maybe, but sane is not a word to describe you.”

“Shut up, what do you know anyway?” Jackson slapped himself, “This guy looks like him and needs to pay for what he did.” Jackson tucked his step father’s photo back into his pocket and headed across the lawn with the knife in his hand. He opened the door and crept into the living room. The man he followed there was sitting on a couch watching a video of two kittens on his laptop.

“You enjoying that?” Jackson asked.

“As a matter of fact I was.” The man stopped the video and turned around to look at who was speaking to him. Jackson was a pudgy man whose hair was always looked as though he was wearing a hat even when he wasn’t. His glasses were a size too small and laid awkwardly on his face.

“Cats are funny.” Jackson said with a shy smile.

“Stop chitchatting, he isn’t your friend. He sexually assaulted you, moron.” Jackson shouted.

“Uh, can I help you?” the man inquired as he stood up and rounded the couch to stand in front of Jackson.

“Just do it already!”

“I think you should get out of my house.”

“Not until I kill and dismember you.”

“Oh, that’s all? Will it be for any particular reason?”

“You put your stick in my wazzoo!” Jackson started crying.

“Ah.” The man paused, “I mean over these centuries I’ve stuck my stick in quite a few wazzoo’s, and it’s hard to keep track of them all, but I think I would remember stooping to a wazzoo as hideous as yours.”

“It was you!”

“In fact most of the wazzoos I was in were woman, though there was that time me and Pontius Pilate experimented. He was gay, I wasn’t. it broke his heart, that’s why he was so tough on Jesus I think."

Jackson plunged the knife into the man’s stomach.

“Fuck. That hurts.”

“It won’t for long, I would say ask my stepfathers doppelgangers, but they aren’t alive.” 

Jackson pulled the knife out and stood there smiling as he recounted his victims.

“Well, I mean, have you picked up on any context clues yet?” The man sarcastically asked.

“Context clues?” Jackson rubbed his head in confusion.

“Context clues idiot, you know what they are. Stop hesitating and kill him already!”

“No, you see, tell your other self I can’t be killed. I’m immortal.”

Jackson paused before stabbing the knife into the man’s stomach again.

“You are not getting it. Did your stepfather fuck you in the ear and give you brain damage too?”

Jackson grew angry and stabbed the man over and over again.

“Are you done?” The man pulled the knife out and held it to his side, “good, listen I’m story your step dad fucked your fanny, but I can’t be killed. I’m like highlander, but way more badass because I am the last one, and as you may or probably don’t know there can only be one and I’m him.”

Jackson stabbed and stabbed, yet the man stood there unfazed.

“So, I mean I can’t be killed. I have the power of thousands of immortals. Even if my head gets cut off I still live, I mean it probably wouldn’t be a fun existence, but I’ll still be alive. I’ll give you a chance to leave, but I swear to god if you stab me again I’ll kill you.”

“You’re not immortal, that’s fake.”

“Of course it is Jackson, just cut his throat already you moron!”

“Jackson, I wouldn’t do that.” The man sighed.

Jackson stabbed the man again, twisted the knife several times and pulled it out again.

“I warned you.” The man ripped the knife from Jackson’s hand and slit his throat blood splattered across the man’s face as Jackson fell to the ground. The man dropped the knife and sat back down on his couch. He picked up his lap top and hit play on the video.

“You’re right, cats are funny.”

Shit, a Stargate

Once again this is not a new post but an oldie from Reddit's writing prompt subreddit: the prompt for this on was "You discover your butthole is a stargate". This is what I came up with.

"Let's try anal tonight." My boyfriend said as casual as if it were anything else. As causal as if he was telling me we were going to have pizza tonight. I never did anal before; it seemed odd and distant to me, but I mulled it over and agreed. I was in a mood where I was down to try new things. It also was a good choice because a slip up in my health care coverage had me missing the last month of my birth control.

What was the worst that could happen?

We were in the bedroom he was kissing me up and down, sucking on my breasts, with two fingers deep inside my vagina. He then made his way to the backdoor. One finger shoved in: he twisted it to the right; he twisted it to the left, smacked my ass, stuck another finger in, and twisted to the right. A loud rumbling started, I began shaking like I was having a seizure. He pulled his fingers out, and fell backwards and fell to the floor.

"Babe. . . uhhh. . . "

I was in tears and couldn’t answer him as I saw a beam of blue light flow from my asshole and watched as a tall muscular brunette woman armed like an ancient roman soldier step out of me. My body stopped shaking. The woman lifted a long spear and shoved it into my boyfriend’s neck. His blood spattered along the green walls of my bedroom, and onto my white comforter. I stood frozen as the woman ran off and out of my house. I called 911.

“So what you’re telling me lady is that a female dressed as a Roman centurion crawled out of your ass and killed your boyfriend?”

I sat there exhausted tired and I just wanted to go home. I nodded. The police office started to laugh again. It seemed it got funnier every time he repeated my story.

“Maybe we should call Kurt Russell and have him lead an expedition into your asshole.” He laughed some more.

After hours of laughter my lawyer finally arrived, and though I could tell he thought I was a complete loon he demanded a doctor come and take a look into my ass.

The doctor arrived. She was a beautiful blonde with a breasts that would rival Kate Upton’s, and as a former practicing lesbian, I approved of my lawyers choice. She put a glove on with a bit of lube: she shoved it into my ass and followed the same pattern I described that my boyfriend did that fateful night as a butch female officer and my lawyer looked on.

Once her second finger was inserted and turned to the right I began shaking as a radiant light exploded from my ass and two Roman centurion women sprang from my asshole. The glanced around at the room said something that may have been Latin and killed my lawyer, the only male in the room.

A few days later news was all over the city that three women dressed as Roman Centurion’s were killing every male they came across. Panic was in the air. I was brought in by two female CIA agents, as the men were terrified to be seen in public. They flew me to Langley and entered the same code that the doctor and my boyfriend had entered. This time no one came out of my ass instead a group of secret service women climbed in.

What they are doing in there I will know when they come back: if they come back, but until then I wander my room in CIA headquarters pantless waiting for a blue light and the CIA agents to emerge with answers.

I should have never tried anal.

Nuclear Code

Last year I did a few posts in response to topics on the the Writing Prompt Reddit and since rite now I am in the middle of trying to work on my Novel for NaNoWriMo I have no time to post anything new, so for the rest of the month I will be posting some of them on here. The prompt for this following post (fitting for this year) was you have to tell the president that there nuclear weapons do not exist. This is what I came up with, enjoy. 

I stepped into the oval office as the President was returning from giving a heated speech usher the threat of nuclear war against the Russians.

“Great speech, sir.”

“Thank you General. Now send out the request for all nuclear bases to be on standby.”

“ I can’t do that Mr. President.”

“You can and you will, you cannot defy an executive order Nathaniel.”

“No, no sir, I would love nothing more than to send nuclear bombs over Baghdad.”

“Moscow, we are going to nuke Russia not Iraq.”

“Sorry sir I was listening to Outkast on my way over here.” I took a seat across from the President at his desk, “So, listen, we don’t have them.”

“Don’t have what?” He confusingly asked.

“Nukes.” I watched as he started to laugh, “not a joke, sir, we do not have nuclear capabilities; never have.”

“Never have? What are you on drugs?”

“Several, but that’s not the point here the; point is we cannot put any nuclear bases on high alert because there are no nukes.”

“No nukes? This is absurd. We have been threatening the use of these things for years; I have attended summits with world leaders to lower the number we have.” He slumped back into his chair, “and here you are telling me they don’t exist.”

“I didn’t say they don’t exist. I just said we don’t have them. I have no idea if they are real or not.”

“Do the Russians have them?”

“Our intelligence says they are faking too, but I just don’t want to say they don’t exist it’s a broad statement. I once met Big Foot at a concert in Edmonton, but people say he doesn’t exist. So, as far as we know they aren’t real.”

“You are shitting me?”
"Not at all, he is a big fan of folk music and he can roll a blunt better than anyone I've met."
Not about Bigfoot, the nukes you moron."

“No sir. We don’t have them and we are sure no one has them.”

He rubbed his eyes and looked at me. He was silent for a few moments before he asked the question I knew was coming:

“What about World War Two? We used them on Japan.”

“False. We told everyone we used them, to scare the world in the years following the war. “

“I have seen the photos of the destruction. If there are no nukes how do you explain that?”

“Godzilla.”

“Excuse me?”

“Godzilla, sir.”

“Godzilla? You really are on drugs.”

“Yes sir, I am.”

“What about the Manhattan project?”

“Big card game and pet-sitting for Godzilla.”

“God fucking Zilla? Nukes are not real but a giant fire breathing lizard?”

“He doesn’t really breathe fire that was made up movie bullshit. He just really likes crushing shit.”

“Where is he?”

“Who?”

“Godzilla, if he is real where is he?”

“Ummm, that’s a good question.”

“You don’t know where he is?”

“No sir, I’m not his handler.”

“Who is?”

“Albert Einstein.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes, he isn’t dead, in fact he isn’t human. He is an alien, he came here with his pet lizard and did all sorts of science shit and now he is with Godzilla somewhere.”

“Can he crush Moscow or some other Russian city?”

“No, no, Albert is far too small for crushing of any kind.”

“Not Einstein you imbecile: Godzilla. Can he be released on Russia instead?”

“I guess so, though he isn’t fond of the cold weather, so it may have to wait until l summer. I’ll try to get a handle on their position.” I stood up and left the oval office leaving the president to his own confused thoughts.

An AMA of Madness

Last night something absolutely wonderful happened in the internet world: Tommy Wiseau did an AMA on Reddit. 

For those of you of you who do not know who Mr. Wiseau is (though I learned during his AMA that he does not like to be called Mr. Wiseau), he is the brilliant idiotic mind behind the cult film The Room.

Still unsure? I’ll help you out.

First a picture of the myth that is Tommy Wiseau:

Now, let me briefly talk about The Room which is regarded by many as the worst movie ever made.Though it is really bad it is at least a film I can enjoy in its horribleness, unlike the film I consider the worst ever made, Miss March. Tommy Wiseau wrote, produced, directed, and starred in The Room. All of which he did just wonderfully  horridly. His use of the camera and knowledge of making a movie were just so poor that it gives me confidence that if I were to make a movie it would be better than this. Go visit the official website http://www.theroommovie.com/, Wikipedia it, or find the movie online (or I can lend you my copy of the DVD)

To the man’s credit he had a dream and made that shit happen and that is the dream of every American. And as Tommy Wiseau so dumbly said he is “America.”

Now let us move on to the man himself. There is a lot of mystery behind this guy it is easier to find information about Big Foot than Tommy Wiseau. The most detail we have on him is from Greg Sestero’s (an actor from the film) book The Disaster Artist, which as we speak is being turned into a movie by James Franco. But even that gives us small details into where this guy came from. There are many theories of who he is, but two that I am partial to:

1. He is a vampire (which he sort of addresses below)
2. He is D.B. Cooper. Mr. Wiseau denied it but I don’t buy it at all look at this comic drawn by some random guy on the internet: 

This drawing sold me on the fact that he is D.B. Cooper, I mean it just has to be the explanation to everything It just has to be true right?

Fine, whatever, let me move on here.

I decided to try and pick some of my favorite answers from this AMA, but there was so many more I didn't pick and you can read through this thing in its entirety over on Reddit if you have that kind of time. The questions are in Bold and the answers are in standard text. If you are new to the world of Wiseau, you may be confused at some of the questions, but after you watch the movie it will all make sense. Enjoy.

Please note I did not alter any of the grammar or spelling in Tommy’s answer: the guy can’t spell or speak or really do much of anything.

What do you make of the mystery around your origins? Are you surprised?

Well, you know, we're all curious. We all live in America, and we are all curious bout people, who they are, where they come from. I'm very private person, I keep that way, that's my choice. I am America, I keep that way. Thank you for asking that.

Where does your accent originate from?

I speak two languages. I have no idea, to be honest with you. It is what it is.

Mr. Wiseau,

I am getting married in the near future and already have plans to throw a football around in an alley with my groomsmen. Any pointers on how to keep the game moving and to elicit the best awkward laughs from my groomsman for the videographer to pick up? Also, how can I best avoid injury?

Absolutely. I encourage you to do that number 1. And don't call me Mr. Wiseau, I hate that, but I wish you luck in new direction in my life, and play football before you to go bed, and play football before you drink, before you get tipsy. ABSOLUTELY - be the first one! Send me the clip! Absolutely! An invitation maybe! I wish you luck!

So Tommy, how is your sex life?

I enjoy it erryday!

How are you and Greg these days? Are you guys still good friends?

Well, we talk, but actually, probably, we just released a script, original script, available, THE ROOM, original one, because there was a lot of controversy, agin, I'm sorry for some of you guys in America we call "douchebags" - I've been filming the past 20 years, shame on you who are bashing THE ROOM as well as the actors in THE NEIGHBORS. It is new entertainment, and people reallyreally enjoy it. That's all I'm gonna say, moveonnextquestion

In The Room, it’s pretty clear that the character of Lisa was meant to symbolize temptation and the evil that jealousy between friends and lovers can create. Could you elaborate more on what Lisa’s actions in the film say about our society and the moral degradation of America as a whole?

GREAT Question! First of all, you can compare Lisa to Eleezabeth Taylor, to when she did CLEOPATRA. The ladies, they don't have to wear jeans, they can wear dresses to be very powerful. So Lisa's character is very powerful. She represents American society. So that's my answer. Move on, next one!

How did you make your millions Tommy?

Okay! That's good question! Well first of all - if you look at background, you work hard, you make money. It's no secret, okay? You work VERY hard, you make money. Well I work very hard, 24/7, several days a week, okay? And the specific how I make monies will be in book. THE DISASTER ARTIST by Tommy Wiseau, when I write it soon. Yes.

Tommy, what country were your born in?

I was born on Planet Earth. Moveonnextquestion. And I'm American, and proud of it.

Are you going to write an autobiography? (The neighbors is awesome)

Yes, I am, because as you probably kneow, DISASTER ARTIST is not 100% correct, and some people - again - are very disrespectful of my lief. How dare you to bash me, to say negative things about me and my life when you don't even know me? Shame on you. So yes, absolutely, you know. We in America, you know, we have very dedicate people, from New Orleans, and some of the function that people have are completely disrespectful. Shame on you if you blast my project. We are very dedicated to our art - shame on you, I would say, again! You know who you are! And also you can add, about script, how dare you say that was not the script on the production of THE ROOM. How are you have powers to criticize someone you don't even know? When you say it's not a camera, or we have only this one camera, or this one or that one? Shame on you.

Move on, next question.

Hey, Tommy. Is the character Denny from The Room based on anyone from real life? And what about Claudette?

Oh yeah, we have many Claudettes in the country, with cancer - again, one of the things I like it when people ask why we don't talk about it, yeah, is because someday we have a cure for it. Because it's a very private thing, you know? Many Claudettes in America relate to cancer. Many Dennys, many Johnnys, many Marks, because everything is coming from life, real life. THE ROOM is a red flag for society, for people to do better, to be better to each other basically. I've been doing this for 12 years, saying that.

Thanks a lot for doing this! I have a few questions for youuuu! Jusssst a lil something..

1) In The Room, why was Johnny’s first date with Lisa an interesting story?

2) When Johnny buys Lisa a dozen red roses from the flower store, why does he hold them upside down?

3) Why did you, as the director, re-use shots from both of Johnny’s sex scenes with Lisa?

4) WHY IS MARK SO BUSY?!?!?!

1.) Well, okay, let's... okay. It just WAS because she paid for DINNER, that's the interesting story. Next question.

2.) Oh, because that's a typical situation.

3.) First of all... we have variation in ROOM 1-4, it's not the same shot, at all.

4.) Why is Mark so busy? Why so busy!??! Because of business, like everybody else, hehehe!

Are you a vampire?

No. I'm just a human being like everybody else. But I belieeeve in certain, let's say... destiny. And vampires to a certain degree. So no, I am not a vampire. But I relate to it. Something like that

Hey Tommy, what advice do you have for a writer who is just starting and would like to get into the movie business?

That's good question. I would say, think about 20% FIRST before you get to 100%. If you think about 20%, you will get to 100%. With original material, if people say negatives about you, let it go, move onto something else

Hi Tommy, Are we laughing at you, or with you?.

We are laughing together. Don't listen to douchebags, for GOD'S SAKE! ENJOY-A LIFE!!!!! Relax together!

My question is: If you could give all of politicians of the world just one piece of advice, what would it be?

Eeef a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live. The advice I would give? Be nice to each other basically.

Why are you so fucking awesome?!!

Well, I love people, and I think people love me. I'm very dedicated you know? I like freedom, I like people who express themselves, and that's what America's all about. I want to create something so people can relate to it. That's why we create neighbors, we create future project. Filmmakers have responsible towards people, you know? So I'm trying to present everything as true as possible, as nice as possible, all negative stuff is as I said before, it's too bad that some people are very disrespectful but it is what it is.

 Thank you Tommy you not knowing much of anything made my week. 

Writing

Recently I have really been putting a lot more effort into my writing and I hope it is showing with the stories you have read. I have posted more this year than I think I did last year and I’m on pace to have more content than any of the past years. My writing isn’t just on here, but there is some you don’t see. It sits in files on my flash drive, scrawled in notebooks, on random papers tucked away, and lately over on Reddit.

            Reddit is a new one for me. A few weeks ago my brother told me to go on there because they have a section for writing prompts. I said sure Andrew let me go do that, so the next morning I made an account and began perusing the writing prompts. I found a couple that tickled my fancy and wrote a quick story. No one up-votes them (I think that’s the correct terminology) even though they are better than any of the other stupid stories on the prompt. Go read them: http://www.reddit.com/user/danperrucci/ that link may bring you over to them, but what do I know? I can barley type let alone have any idea how the internet works. Some of my stories on these prompts may or may not offend some people but guess what

             Most of these stories are just the first thing that pops into and are done in maybe a half hour at the most, but I enjoy the challenge of trying to fit a story within some sort of parameters and it allows me to write things I sometimes wouldn't. Now if you too are on Reddit and see a prompt you want me to write give it to me and I will do my best to write it. My brother and my good friend Alexis have done this and they were no disappointed, or I hope they weren't.

            Obviously my main focus is still trying to get something I have written published and Now that I am back to writing with more consistency I’m going to start sending more things out. One of my best friends, Christina, has taken time out of her life to go through and edit a few of my stories which will be the ones I try to get published first. I have submitted a couple of them to no avail, but I know with persistency I will succeed. And to all of the people that reject my writing Anna has something to say to you:

.

            Hopefully I will accomplish my writing goals; hopefully you people keep reading what I type; hopefully when my words will live on after I have long passed. Until then I will keep working because I:

            Don’t forget to head over and read my Reddit stories. They will not be posted on here because I don’t double dip.

            P.S. I came up with a fiction book I want to assemble, but would need 5-10 writers, so if you like History, politics, journalism, and just making shit up let me know via text or email. It would be collaborative with the other people involved, so you need to be able to brain storm with a group of folks and get shit done.